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“Hey, Cassandra, please, come back. You’re scaring me!” a distressed voice reaches me, as if from faraway, while I sit with my back resting against the tall window. Lucas orders me to breathe, but the sobs rock me. I haven’t felt like this for a while, and it’s hard for me to accept that I deserve love.
“I would have never hurt you, you know that, right?”
With a shaky voice, still struggling to breathe, I explain, “It wasn’t that. The mouse comment reminded me of Logan and me.”
“Want to go and play with my blowup doll?” That makes me laugh and weep at the same time, as I lose it in front of the man who doesn’t know what it’s like to be at the bottom.
“Shhhh…sweetheart…don’t cry.” Although Leif is an infuriating tease that antagonizes until you break, he also has a sweet, soft heart. “Come on, let’s go watch a show while Lucas finishes cooking.”
“I need to finish the cake.” I stand, and like a robot, I finish baking, then preparing the frosting. An assembled cappuccino cake stands proudly on the island, as I clean up the mess and Lucas sets our food on the table. This time, the brothers don’t try to get me involved in their discussion as we eat. Instead, they engage in their own conversation, not bothering with me.
Perhaps they know by now that I must have my space to reflect on things. I can’t stomach telling anyone about this day. It’s the anniversary of their deaths. My sisters either forgot, or they also don’t want to cause any distress.
I wonder if Nate will come to visit me today as his little brother did. Dreading the nighttime to come to find out the truth, the ringing cell phone startles me.
“Hello? Yeah, we’re eating, why?” Leif leaves the table to speak.
“You all right?”
I nod at Lucas as I shove a forkful of food into my mouth.
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
I look at Leif, who finished the call and has returned. I realize someone told him. I was holding up pretty well all day, but not anymore. Not even registering what information both brothers exchanged, I feel Lucas pick me up and take me to the living room. Then Leif clears the carpet, pushing the coffee table aside, and sits down, inviting me to join him.
“Let’s meditate, ok?”
An hour later, I’m much calmer as we watch TV. Leif cancelled his date, and both brothers lounge with me on the couch, making me feel safe and cared for. I pull out my phone and start the long email to Logan about my day. Leif pulls my phone from my hands, reading it and sending me photos to include with the description I made.
“Maybe we should watch that TV show called SEAL, so Lucas will look less bored?”
“Wait, there’s a show about the Navy Seals?”
Oh dear, we need to fix him ASAP!
Chapter 12
The magic of winter chills
~Cassandra~
A very chilly December has made us all pull out our warm coats and boots from the wardrobes, and layer up to keep warm. The white frost covering the ground is the only indication that winter is here and once in a while, a lonely snowflake landing on my face reminds of the icy artists falling gracefully to the ground.
This morning, we found frozen windows and the ground crispy with iced motionless grass. The enchanting nature brings the exhilarating magic to people. This inspirational scenery makes us all feel the Christmas spirit, enthralling our moods into shopping sprees.
Affected by the holiday mood, Aisha drives us to the shopping mall. I let the warm interior of the car and the passing scenery lull me with the soothing motion. I watch people with colorful coats and parkas walk the streets, and chattering children rush to the schools.
I look back at my youngest sister, who is driving a cheap Volkswagen. She wears a vivid-red parka, and tall charcoal boots, and her glossy red lips and shimmery eyes look back at me with delight and excitement. I have on a grey-green coat paired with brown-grey boots. I put on some mascara and eyeshadow to match the scheme.
“She will bite our heads off either way. Relax, I want to be alive to actually buy something. The mall is not a fan of zombies, you know?”
That makes her laugh. “You’re all right?”
I nod at her, as I am not anxious today, for some reason.
Raine is meeting us at the mall. I agreed to doll up and embrace the festive atmosphere, determined to have fun. Actually, I am experiencing the excitement of buying gifts for the people I love and care about. Inspiration fills me with joy.
Leif and Lucas went hunting for the Christmas tree, and we were informed to buy loads of decorations for the monster tree they are looking for. So far, they haven’t found one big enough.
