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“The hardest part is to admit that you’ve never trusted or let us in. Most of the time, you were hiding the issues from us. We were afraid that you might shut us down completely, as you have done with our parents. The person who emerged after their deaths wasn’t our sister. We had to get to know you. Hold on! Don’t leave the life you made here. I love you so much.”
Aisha.
That little munchkin is now a most beautiful, fierce, and protective woman. She kisses my hand, squeezing as if waiting for my motionless body to respond. A humming sound reaches my ears. The melody vibrating from her lungs reaches my ears, and I float into unconsciousness.
I wake up in the early morning, while it is still dark outside—or rather, bright, because of the snow. The shimmering white coldness can bring to a halt all the chaos and shroud the atmosphere in frozen serenity. The snow-covered tree branches make this frozen wonderland enchanting.
My little sister, Raine, and I are playing in our room. The fire burning in the old fireplace makes a whizzing sound as the logs she fed to it are licked with yellow-red flames. Her humming while she works associates with comfort and safety.
We are making our harbor from the throws and blankets. Huddled in the tent we’re building in the middle of our living room. Pillows and our toy animals are stacked around us. We had a torch inside to illuminate the darkening shelter, and Grandma always brings us treats.
I look at her short hair as she plays with her toys, creating disarray. For some reason, it makes my heart beat faster, and my palms begin to sweat, tingling with the need to put everything in order.
“Why is your house so untidy?” I demand, confused, as I play quietly, babbling the dialogs between the rubber animals. My animals love each other, but hers fight. She is weird.
“Why do your bunnies sit and do nothing? Let them play a little. Make a mess! How else they would have fun?” she asks me with her eyes wide, shaking her head at me as she lets out a little huff.
“They like being silent and tidy. You are very noisy, Rainy! And last time, you broke my doll’s legs because you wanted to see if she could do splits!”
“No, she got hurt when she was performing! Sometimes accidents happen!” Her lips start to quiver, making me upset as well.
I march from the harbor, straight to the argument my parents are having in the next room. As they shout and scream at each other, I stand there, frozen for the moment, but then I quickly hide under the table. I don’t want him to see me.
Our new dad is scary when mad. Raine walks in, and she tries to get our upset Mummy’s attention. She needs to pee. He pushes her away and uses his scary voice, making Raine cry.
When he is not looking, I pull her under the table with me, and we sit there, cuddling for some time. When Grandma comes back, she finds us both hiding.
“Poor little angels, don’t be afraid. I have few chocolates hidden, want some?”
We nod enthusiastically, forgetting our sorrows.
“Good, and Angels, smile through your tears, so heaven’s guardians will be able to help you! Got it?”
No, but Grandma always says things that don’t make sense. Angels won’t come to help us; we will have to do it on our own.
For the rest of the day, we spend our time in the tent, playing and shutting down the hostile world in our small built shelter. And in there, it no longer matters that she’s a messy or noisy sister. I feel safe with her next to me, away from the angry eyes of our new father.
She was always the bravest one, and I was the silent, awkward girl. Raine used to protect me from the mean boys at school.
“Sandra, if you hear me, you should know that all our lives, you’ve been my shelter in the middle of the living room, that we built together. I’ve had never needed a best friend because I had you. You’ve lived through every single experience, standing by my side. The tears we shed and laughs we shared are most precious to me. I always was so proud to have you as my freedom-finder and truth-seeker.
“Your pain is my pain, your joy is mine. When you lost your precious boys, I lost them too. The grief made me blind. I thought I had to fix you, but I’d forgotten that until you make a mess tidy and chaos into order, you stayed silent and lost in your own head. I broke your safe harbor. Instead, I should have pulled you underneath the table, or under the covers, and held you while you wept and broke apart. Forgive me, sister, that I deceived you, but never doubt that I love you.”
Raine.
In the white cushioned room, I open my eyes to find her sweet little face trying to make me laugh. At six years old, Raine is cute and boyish in her bold approach to life. My eyes tired, I reach up to caress her cheeky expression that tries to cheer me up.
“Why did you come here, little monkey? Go play somewhere else.”
The little girl’s persistently trying to figure out how to get me out. With tightly-pressed lips, she mulls over the puzzle presented in front of her. I feel nostalgic.
“I will find a way to get you out of here,” she whispers, grasping the taming shirt, unsuccessfully trying to free me. “Why doesn’t it work?”
Getting upset, my little sister’s eyes shine with tears, relentlessly looking for a way to help me
.
“That’s ok, Rainy. Go play outside, be happy, my little sister!”
