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Perhaps she shouldn’t have pushed it at that point? she asked herself as she placed the empty coffee cup on the floor before pulling the duvet’s thick folds more securely round her. The evening had been one of highly charged emotion as it was, and he’d obviously clicked on to the fact that she wasn’t going to fall into his arms and go home with him, in spite of what had come to light regarding Liliana.
But when they had reached the bedsit and she’d become aware he intended to drive away without another word something had snapped. She’d screamed at him, she reflected miserably, positively screamed. ‘How can you say goodnight like that and just leave?’ she’d shouted. ‘What’s the matter with you anyway?’
‘Me?’ There had been savagery in his eyes as he’d swung round to face her in the car. ‘I said goodnight because it is perfectly obvious you don’t want to be in my company a second more than is necessary, that’s all.’
‘That is not all.’
‘Oh, yes, it is, Marianne. You heard Liliana and Claude, you
know there’s nothing between Liliana and I, but you don’t want to come home. End of story.’
‘End of story?’ She hadn’t been shouting then; her voice had been scarcely a whisper. ‘We haven’t talked anything out, Zeke,’ she’d said brokenly, ‘so how can it be end of story? This is our marriage you’re talking about. Our marriage.’
‘You think I don’t know that?’ he’d said in cold, clipped tones.
‘I’ve no idea what you know or don’t know,’ she’d said grimly. ‘How could I have? You never talk to me, not really, and you never listen either. Everything, everything, is on your terms, always. I’m expected to sit at home twiddling my thumbs all day and wait for you to return from the world of million-dollar deals and fast living, and then just be the sweet, docile wife with the dinner ready and the bedclothes laid back.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ he’d said harshly. ‘It’s not like that.’
‘It’s exactly like that.’ She glanced at him, but he’d been staring ahead, his features rigid. ‘I know I shouldn’t have believed you were having an affair, but everything pointed to it, don’t you see? Liliana is in your world, and she’s vibrant and alive and interesting. And you needed her, needed her expertise and flair. Certainly more than you needed me,’ she’d added bitterly.
‘What?’ His eyes had flashed to her for a moment. ‘You can’t believe that.’
‘Well, I do.’ She’d taken a deep breath. ‘I’ve become someone else since I married you and I don’t like it; I don’t like her, the person I see in the mirror every morning. You wouldn’t talk about my getting a job or doing voluntary work. You didn’t like it if I saw Pat or any of my old friends. I’ve been in a strange sort of limbo and I can’t take it any more.’
‘So you’re walking out on me,’ he’d said brusquely, his face looking as though it was carved in stone.
‘I want…I want time—time to think,’ she’d said painfully, her heart thudding. She’d been able to smell the delicious scent of him, a mixture of expensive aftershave and musky male skin, and every fibre of her being had wanted to throw herself into his arms and agree to anything he wanted. But she couldn’t, not now, not after they had come this far.
‘And a divorce will give you that?’ he’d bitten out through clenched teeth.
‘A separation will.’
There had been a tense silence for a moment, and then Zeke had said flatly, his dark face an unreadable mask, ‘I don’t want my wife living in a hovel, Marianne. I don’t know what sort of gesture you thought you were making, but you’ve made it, okay? I can afford for you to live well whatever happens.’
His hands had been tight on the steering wheel, the knuckles taut and white, and it had only been that betrayal of his inward turmoil that had stayed the hot, angry words hovering on her tongue.
She didn’t want his money. Neither had she been trying to make a dramatic gesture! Why wouldn’t he listen to her? Even now he couldn’t hear what she was saying. He was so cold, so unapproachable—his mind was a locked door and he jealously guarded the key, even from her.
He had only ever given her little portions of himself, she’d realised suddenly. Just so much and no more. He had compartmentalised his life and she had been allotted her box, along with everything else, but that was all.
That wasn’t a marriage; it wasn’t even a relationship. She had opened the car door with an abruptness that had surprised them both, her voice weary and strained as she had said quietly, ‘Goodbye, Zeke.’
And his voice had been equally quiet and bleak when he’d answered in turn, ‘Goodbye, Marianne.’
She had expected the car to roar away the moment she turned away from it, but it hadn’t been until she had switched on the light in the bedsit and walked across to the window and begun to close the curtains that it had moved slowly away down the dark, deserted street. And she had gone to bed…alone.
‘Oh, Zeke, Zeke.’ She spoke his name on a little hiccup of a sob, glancing desperately round the room, which had now become quite cosy from the warmth of the gas fire. ‘Please love me like I love you. That’s all I ask.’
It was maudlin self-pity of the worst kind, and after a few indulgent moments she flung the duvet aside and jumped up from the sofa.
She wasn’t going down that avenue—not now and not in the future, she told herself firmly. She had a job to go to and she needed to be bright and cheerful when serving the customers, not pink-eyed and miserable, however she was feeling inside.
And come the weekend she would make some enquires regarding further education; she wasn’t just going to talk about it—she was going to do it!
She had never regretted the decision to support her father through the bleak, dark time after her mother’s sudden death, but she’d always known she was merely delaying going away to college or university, nor forgetting it altogether. But then Zeke had swept into her life, with all the charisma and drawing power of a powerful being from another world, and things had changed. She had let them change.
She gathered up her toilet bag and towel in preparation for her sojourn in the bathroom down the landing, and then pulled the belt of her robe tighter as her thoughts travelled on.
