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He’d be involved in that big family Christmas he’d described to her. What had he said? ‘Christmas is a time for being where the heart is.’ Would he think of her at all? Or had he already found someone else? Someone who was prepared to meet him on his terms? A succession of beautiful women joined the picture.
Ten minutes of brooding later, she suddenly jumped up, angry and irritated with herself for doing exactly what she’d determined she wouldn’t do from now on. Someone or other, Confucius perhaps, had said you had to accept what you couldn’t change. Mind you, that Chinese philosopher of two and a half thousand years ago hadn’t fallen in love with Zac Lawson.
Walking through to the kitchen, she made a pot of coffee and had just sat down with a mug when Jennie and Susan joined her. They had breakfast and opened the post, which was mainly a few last-minute Christmas cards, and once dressed began to load Jennie’s car with brightly wrapped packages and their cases and bags. Henry arrived for Susan at half-past nine and after waving the two off in a taxi to the airport, Rachel and Jennie had another coffee before setting off themselves.
The traffic was pretty horrendous in the city but eventually, after waiting in one traffic jam after another, they were clear of inner London and properly on their way. The journey was mostly on A roads, and although it was bitterly cold and overcast, the first flakes of wispy, lazy snow didn’t begin to fall until after they’d stopped for lunch at a nice little oak and brass pub and were on their way again.
Rachel was a bit worried about Jennie. Her friend had been perfectly all right while she’d eaten her steak and ale pie and veg, followed by a large helping of strawberry cheesecake, but then they’d gone to the ladies before leaving and she’d had to wait ages for Jennie in the little lobby the toilets led off. When Jennie had eventually emerged she hadn’t seemed herself at all.
‘What’s the matter?’ She’d taken one look at Jennie’s face and suspected the worse. ‘Have you got a tummy upset?’
‘No. Yes.’ Jennie seemed unable to make up her mind. ‘I mean, possibly. I don’t feel quite…right.’
‘Do you want me to drive?’
‘No, no, I’m OK for driving. I’ll tell you if that changes.’
‘I used to have a Fiesta when I was at uni, don’t forget, so I’m used to them, even though I haven’t driven for a couple of years.’ When she had sold her last car she hadn’t bothered to get another, deciding it was more hassle than it was worth and tubes and trains were so handy. Jennie, on the other hand, regularly popped home to see one or another of her large family and loved having her own transport. ‘Don’t soldier on if you feel unwell,’ she added with another worried glance at her friend as they had exited the pub and Jennie got into the driver’s seat of the car.
After they had been on the road for half an hour and Jennie hadn’t spoken once, Rachel knew she must be feeling ill. In the nine years or so since she’d known Jennie, she couldn’t ever recall her friend being silent for more than five minutes unless she was asleep, and even then she sometimes nattered away six to the dozen in an unintelligible gabble.
It began to snow more heavily, fat feathery flakes that immediately settled on the frozen ground and turned the verges at the side of the road white.
By the time they came to Tenterden and had only another ten miles or so to travel until they reached the pretty little village where Jennie’s parents lived, Rachel was convinced Jennie was on the verge of collapsing. If she’d asked Jennie once she had asked her a dozen times if she was all right, and the answer had always been the same. ‘Fine, don’t fuss. Let me drive in peace.’
The windscreen wipers were labouring to clear the snow now, and although it was only mid-afternoon it seemed much later. Since Tenterden they’d been travelling on a B road, passing small country towns and villages where Christmas tree lights in the windows of houses lit the snowy scene with a touch of magic in the darkening afternoon.
Rachel didn’t trouble herself to try and make conversation any more, she was lost in heart-wrenching, painful memories of that other snowy day nearly three weeks ago. That blizzard had been the means of her getting to know Zac more intimately than he would have liked; thinking back, she was sure he wouldn’t have revealed so much but for the unusual circumstances. He probably resented the fact he’d let his guard down and talked about his baby son and failed marriage. He’d want to brush that under the carpet now and forget he’d ever known an unremarkable English girl who was as dull as ditchwater compared to the glitzy, dazzling women who normally featured in his life.
She was so immersed in her thoughts that she didn’t realise they’d pulled into Jennie’s parents’ drive until Jennie cut the engine with a deep sigh. ‘Whew. I wouldn’t want to do that every day. I can enjoy the snow now I don’t have to drive in it, though.’
‘You were great.’ She had been. But that was Jennie all over. She wouldn’t let anything like a snowstorm stop her from getting where she wanted to be, however she was feeling. ‘Now tell me honestly, how do you feel?’
Instead of answering her, Jennie pulled open her door. ‘Stay put. I’ll get Dad and some of the others to help carry everything inside. Just tell them which things are breakable, would you?’ And before Rachel could answer, she’d shut the door again and hurried off, leaving Rachel staring after her in surprise.
Rachel watched her friend leave deep imprints in the snow as she walked up to the front door and knocked. The door opened, she caught a brief glimpse of light and colour and then it closed again. And remained closed as the minutes ticked by.
Charming. Rachel looked out at the whirling snow and then the cottage. All the curtains were closed and the glow from within seemed to accentuate that she was sitting out here alone. Her mother’s words—which she hadn’t repeated to a soul—flashed through her mind. ‘Forcing yourself on Jennie’s family or Susan’s year after year, they must wince at the sound of your name.’ Perhaps her mother had been right after all.
If it had been within her power at that precise moment to transport herself somewhere else—anywhere else—she would have done so. Mortified at the realisation that she was within a moment of making a complete fool of herself by breaking down, she closed her eyes tightly and fought against tears with every fibre of her being, hating the self-pity.
She didn’t hear the front door open again. The first she knew that someone was at the car was when the driver’s door was pulled open and a big body slid inside.
‘Hallo, Rachel,’ Zac said very softly.
Rachel’s hands flew to her mouth. She blinked, but he was still there. This definitely wasn’t Jennie’s dad. Not unless she had finally flipped and lost it completely. ‘You—you’re in Canada,’ she muttered through her fingers.
‘Why would I be in Canada when you’re here?’ He reached out and moved her hands from her mouth, kissing her until they were both trembling.
‘No.’ From somewhere she found the strength to draw back, her eyes betraying her wild hope and confusion. ‘You left. You—you don’t want me, not in the same way I want you.’
‘If you want me so much that you can’t sleep or eat or think, that every day is a lifetime and every night is an eternity, then I want you in the same way.’
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‘No.’ With a despairing sigh, she shook her head. ‘You said commitment is a route you’ll never go down. You said—’
‘I said a lot of things, my love, except what was in my heart.’ Bending his head, he captured her mouth again, his lips firm and gentle and so, so persuasive. When he broke the contact it was to cup her face in his big hands. ‘Listen to me, honey, because I mean every word I’m saying. From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew.’ His mouth quirked. ‘I saw you and it was as instant as that, and I don’t care what the so-called experts might say about love at first sight being impossible. I knew. I knew you were the woman who would turn my life upside down and it frightened me to death because I wasn’t ready for it. Maybe I’d never have been ready, I don’t know, but it happened and I can’t go back to how things were. I don’t want to go back to how things were. I’ve met you and I can’t let you go.’
