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She was silent. There was nothing she could say. Nothing at all.
He sighed irritably. ‘I feel like I’m treading a minefield with you most of the time, do you know that? I never know when something I might say might be used against me, likened to the swine you married. You do that, don’t you? Look for the same failings in me as you found in him?’
She was horrified and it showed, but she didn’t deny it. How could she? It was true. And what man was going to put up with that in the months and years to come? Certainly not one like Kingsley who only had to click his fingers and have a hundred beauties lined up panting.
‘If you think that…’ Her voice trailed away.
‘Why do I bother?’ He finished the sentence for her. ‘Why do you think I bother, Rosie? Why do you think I’ve been treading on eggshells the last few months? You’ve finally opened up about this sicko you married, but now the steel is inches thicker, isn’t it?’
‘What steel?’
‘The stuff that coats the door to your heart,’ he said, poetically for Kingsley.
There was a slight pause. ‘I can’t help how I feel,’ she whispered, letting her hair fall in two wings at the side of her cheeks to hide her face from him and the tears she was struggling to keep behind her eyelids.
‘Yes, you can,’ he said, and his voice sounded oddly husky. ‘Don’t you think I went through hell when I realised I was falling in love with you? It’s not just you who has the right to feel scared to death. After Maria I vowed I’d never let this happen again. Who needs it? A woman is a woman is a woman, and there were plenty out there who were only too willing to play the game the way I wanted it. Everything to gain and nothing to lose. Total safety. And then you came along.’
She didn’t speak, she was crying, soundlessly, the tears slowly dripping down her cheeks, his honesty forcing her to admit what she had been trying to keep buried for weeks. She loved him. She had loved him for days, weeks, months, for ever. That was why the thought of giving herself to him terrified her so desperately. She loved him more than she had ever loved Miles, more than she would have thought herself capable of. Which meant his power over her was absolute. He mustn’t know. He mustn’t ever know.
He had stopped talking. He was breathing hard and she could feel he was looking at her although she didn’t raise her head. After a moment a crisp white handkerchief was pushed into her hands. ‘Don’t cry.’ His voice was gruff, painful. ‘Damn it, the last thing I want to do is to make you cry. Drink your coffee.’
She wiped her face and drank the coffee, which was lukewarm and tasted foul, and then she raised her eyes, knowing his would be waiting for her. ‘It would never work, Kingsley, you and I,’ she said shakily. ‘I’d spoil anything you’re feeling for me right now because I can’t be what you want me to be. When Miles did what he did—’ she stopped, wondering how to explain the unexplainable ‘—something died,’ she finished slowly. ‘Something I can’t get back.’
‘I don’t believe that,’ he said with quiet emphasis. ‘I love you, damn it, and I want to marry you and have children and grow old with you. I’m not Miles, I’m not anyone but myself and I’ve allowed you to see what that is, who I am. That has to count for something on this scorecard you keep in your head.’
&nbs
p; She tore her gaze from his, wondering why she had been so foolish as to come here with him. But she knew the answer to that. She’d wanted to be with him, this one last time. Every minute, every second was precious, and they were spending it arguing. She spoke the thought out loud. ‘I don’t want to fight, there’s not much time.’
‘I’ve never ducked an issue in my life and I’m blowed if I’ll start with the most important one that’s ever come my way,’ he said grimly. ‘I’ll take a later plane if necessary.’
She shrank inwardly. She couldn’t cope with much more of this. It was tearing her apart. ‘Don’t be silly,’ she whispered brokenly. ‘Your friend is waiting for you.’
‘You don’t get it, do you?’ His voice was suddenly very quiet. ‘You really don’t get it. You don’t have the faintest idea what you mean to me.’
‘I don’t want to.’ It was wrenched out of her. ‘This is hard enough as it is. Can’t you accept I mean what I say and leave me alone? This is for the best and you’ll see it one day.’
‘The hell I will.’ His mouth came down on hers and he kissed her hard, oblivious to anyone else.
‘No.’ She jerked her head away, panic-stricken. She couldn’t weaken now and she always did when he touched her. This had to be the end, now, right here. He was away for a few days and it would give him time to reflect, to see she was right. They had no future. She loved him too much for there to be a possibility of a future but she couldn’t say that, he wouldn’t understand. But she mustn’t weaken. He was too formidable an opponent, too intelligent and intuitive for her to show a chink in the steel he’d spoken of. ‘I don’t want this. I don’t want you.’
He looked her straight in the eyes, his gaze so piercingly blue it was painful to hold. ‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I do.’ She nodded, her head wagging as though it were on strings. ‘I do mean it. And you’ve got to go. You’ll miss your plane.’
He said something very rude about the plane, which made a passing customer gasp in shock and hurry to the other end of the seating area.
‘I can’t cope with you in my life, Kingsley. Is that plain enough?’ she said desperately. ‘I want it to be like it used to be before I met you. Mike or one of the others can take over the job from now on.’
‘I don’t want Mike or one of the others. The contract says you.’
‘Then I’ll resign and you can sue me if you want.’ She glared at him, fear and defiance in her face.
He was silent for what seemed like a long, long time, his face full of a bewildered anger that cut her in two. ‘You needn’t resign your job,’ he said at last. ‘Not because of me. Put Mike on my project if you like, or one of the others. I really don’t care.’
He stood up slowly, his face grey under his tan. ‘Goodbye, Rosie.’
‘Goodbye.’
