Page 34 of Second Marriage

The brief ray of hope died, although her heart still continued to thud against her ribcage so hard it was pain­ful. 'I would like it too, but I don't think it's possible,' she said quietly, drawing on all the strength she pos­sessed not to break down in front of him. She drew her knees up to her chest, dropping her chin on them and letting the silky veil of her hair hide her face as she said, 'The last two months, being with the twins and helping Grace change them and look after them, has made up my mind about something, and I feel I ought to do it now before all the doubts and uncertainties get in the way again.'

She heard him swing his legs off the lounger but she didn't look at him, even when he spoke again. 'May I ask what that thing is?'

'I am going to work with children again,' she said slowly. 'The accident I told you about, when Jeff left me, well, it was a bad one—a very bad one—although it wasn't my fault. But the other driver died; he was only eighteen. I had the children I was nannying in the car with me, and…and I lost my nerve for a time—a long time. I was frightened of being responsible for anyone again, I suppose.'

'They didn't…?'

'Oh, no, they weren't badly injured,' she said hastily. 'In fact it was only minor cuts and bruises and concus­sion, and they were allowed home the next day, but…but it could have been different and that's what kept haunt­ing me—that and the crash itself. I…I was in hospital for some time—abdominal injuries and broken limbs but thankfully no permanent damage—but…but the scars on my stomach were nothing to the ones in my mind,' she finished painfully.

'Claire—'

'But I love children and I love working with them and I've made up my mind I won't let the past beat me,' she said quickly, before he could continue. She didn't want to hear words of comfort, not now; she wouldn't be able to take it.

'You are very brave.' There was a note in his voice that made her draw her head up in spite of herself, and when she looked at him she saw his face was very white, with a small muscle working in his jaw, and his body was stiff and still. 'Very brave.'

'No, not really,' she said sadly. 'Not most of the time.' Not over you. I will never be brave over you… The knowledge that soon she would never see him again was suddenly overwhelming with him there, in front of her, and something of the dread and horror that had pierced her heart must have shown on her face because he sud­denly reached out to her, moving swiftly as he shifted over to her lounger.

'The worst is over. You have faced your demons and conquered them,' he said urgently as he took her into his arms, turning her round so she was half sitting on his lap. 'But why not give yourself more time—work here with the twins while you get used to the idea? Grace would love that—'

'No, I can't—'

As he took her mouth it fused with his own in a

kiss that was all desperation and fire. The pale honey-gold of her body was almost translucent against the satin dark­ness of his skin, the jet-black body hair that covered his chest and limbs making his skin look even darker and hers paler in contrast.

They clung together for long minutes as he crushed her fiercely against him, his mouth exploring hers in an agony of desire. 'Stay—you know you want to stay,' he said at last as he lifted his head to look into her dazed face with glittering eyes. 'I only have to touch you and a fire consumes us both. You know this is true.'

'Yes, I know,' she murmured helplessly.

'Then stay,' he said imperiously. 'Stay in Italy.'

'I can't.' Everything in her wanted to agree to his demand, to melt against him, to take anything he was prepared to give for as long as he was prepared to give it. 'You know I can't.'

'I know you are fighting the fire, Claire, and you can­not win,' he murmured huskily. 'It would be good be­tween us, you must know this. You cannot tell me that your other boyfriends, this Jeff, even, made you feel like this? When I take you it will be as though you are the first—I am the first. The earth will explode and there will only be us. You must know this, feel it?'

'Don't, Romano…'

But her protest was lost as he kissed her hungrily, his hands and mouth arousing her to fever-pitch until tiny little moans sounded deep in her throat.

'You see?' He raised his head to look down into her flushed face. 'You see what you would be denying us both? This is nothing, nothing to how it could be when the two of us are alone and the whole night is before us. I want to touch you, kiss you, taste every inch of your body, take you into that timeless world where there is only sensation and pleasure.'

He wanted her. He wanted her. And this wasn't pity, she told herself tremblingly. However Jeff had viewed the marks on her body they didn't matter to Romano, she knew that now, but…

'But you don't love me.' Her mouth expressed her thoughts and she arched away to look up fully into his dark face. 'And one day you would leave me.'

'Love is an illusion, Claire, apart from for the fa­voured few,' he said urgently. 'What we would have is far more substantial, more real—a fusing of our bod­ies—'

'Love is not an illusion, Romano.'

She knew, in the split second before she said it, that this would be the end, but she couldn't endure much more of this without agreeing to everything he said, and then she would be lost, mindless, a puppet to be picked up and dropped at his will, or when his sexual hunger needed sating. So she needed to finish it—now—and she knew only the truth would do that.

'I know because I love you,' she said woodenly, a tiny part of her wondering at the fact that in all her wildest dreams she had never imagined telling him that in order that he would leave her.

He remained perfectly still for what seemed like an eternity, and then shook his head slowly, his eyes fixed on hers. 'No, you do not. You are mistaking physical desire for something else—something that is propagated by novelists, the film world and the media for their own ends, something that does not exist for the vast majority of us.'

'I would like to believe that, Romano.' She moved away from him, sliding down the lounger and then standing to look down at him as her heart cracked open and slowly began to bleed. 'It would be wonderful to believe that, the way I feel right now, but I know it isn't true. Don't ask me how I know that I love you, that I'll keep on loving you, because I can't really give you an answer. It's just something here, deep inside, that is as real to me as taking the next breath.'

'You thought you loved Jeff.' He rose now, standing so the length of the lounger was between them, and his voice was harsh and cold. 'You were going to marry the guy, for goodness' sake.'

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