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‘And double the feeding, changing nappies—’ She stopped suddenly, as though she had been reminded of something. ‘Forde, we have to talk. Now.’
‘OK.’ He smiled as though his heart hadn’t gone into spasm at the look on her face. Whatever she was going to say, he knew he wouldn’t like it. ‘Let’s go into the sitting room with our drinks, shall we?’
She had relaxed when they were eating, even allowing herself to laugh a few times at the stories he’d purposely told against himself, but now she was as stiff as a board as he followed her into the other room. She chose to curl up on one of the sofas in a way that meant he was forced to take the other one.
‘So?’ He found he was done with prevaricating. ‘What do you want to say, Nell?’
He watched her take a deep breath and it caused him to tense still more.
‘I—I can’t keep this baby when it’s born. If—if you want to I think you should take it.’
Whatever he’d prepared himself for, it wasn’t this. He knew his mouth had fallen open, and shut it with a little snap, trying desperately to hang onto reality. ‘What did you say?’
‘It would be better if it was brought up by one of its natural parents,’ Melanie said woodenly. ‘And you have your mother and a whole host of relations. It—it would have roots, a sense of belonging, and you’re wealthy enough to hire the best nanny, and there’s Janet too—’
‘What are you talking about?’ Only the sure knowledge this wasn’t really what she wanted enabled Forde to keep his temper. ‘The best nanny in the world is no compensation for a child’s mother, a mother who would love it beyond imagination in your case. You were born to be a mother, Nell. You know that as well as I do.’
‘No,’ she said in a stony voice. ‘I can’t keep it.’
Struggling for calmness, he said, ‘Why not? Explain. You owe me that, not to mention our unborn child. Have you considered how our son or daughter is going to feel when it finds out its mother wanted nothing to do with it after it was born?’
She shut her eyes for an infinitesimal moment. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘The hell it isn’t. Face facts, woman.’
‘I am facing facts. ‘
The loss of control was so sudden he jumped visibly as she sprang to her feet.
‘If I keep it, if I’m its mother, something will happen. Like it did with Matthew. Or to you. Something will happen to stop us being a family and it will be because of me. Don’t you understand that yet? It’s because I love it I have to stay out of its life.’
He stared at her. She was standing with her hands clenched into fists at her sides, her body as straight as a board, and he could see she believed every word. Softly, he said, ‘And that’s why you walked out on me, on our marriage.’
It was a statement, not a question. But he had to make her hear herself, acknowledge the enormity of what she had confessed. ‘Because you’ve told yourself this lie so often you believe it.’
It was dawning on him just how much he had failed her. He should have insisted she went for counselling after Matthew’s death, forced her to confront the gremlins, but he had been so frightened of causing her more pain. Of losing her. Ironic.
‘It’s not a lie.’ She drew in a shuddering breath.
‘Oh, yes, it is.’ He stood up and crossed the space between them, taking her stiff, unyielding body into his arms. ‘Life doesn’t come in neat, sanitised packages, Nell. People die in accidents, of diseases, of old age, in—in miscarriages and stillbirths and a whole host of other medical issues. It isn’t nice and it isn’t fair but it happens. You weren’t to blame for Matthew’s death. I don’t know why it happened and I have to confess I’ve shouted and railed at God ever since because of it, but I do know you weren’t to blame. You’ve got to get that into your head.’
‘I can’t.’ She pulled away, stepping back from him. ‘And I’ve got to protect this baby, Forde. If you take it and I stay out of your lives it will be all right.’
Her white face and haunted eyes warned Forde that he had pushed her to the limit of her endurance. His mind now working rapidly, he kept his voice steady and low. ‘It goes without saying I’ll take our baby, Nell. But I think you owe it one thing. I want you to go and talk over how you feel with someone who is completely unbiased and who has experience in the type of grief you’re feeling. Will you do that for it? And me?’
She’d taken another step backwards. ‘A doctor, you mean? You think I’m crazy?’
‘Not in a million years.’ He wouldn’t let her retreat further, covering the distance between them in one stride and taking her cold hands in his. ‘But I know someone, a friend, who’s trained in this type of counselling. She offered to talk to you months ago in a professional role, just you and her and everything confidential between the two of you, OK? You’d like Miriam, Nell. I promise.’
She extracted her hands from his. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Then trust me to know. Will you do that? And what have you got to lose? I love you, Nell. I’ll always love you. If you won’t do this for yourself, do it for me.’
He saw the confusion in her eyes and, acting on instinct, he reached out and touched her cheek. Her skin was soft like raw silk and as warm as liquid honey. Leaning closer, he bent his head and kissed her, a gentle, undemanding kiss, before drawing her against him.
They stood together in the quiet room, Forde nuzzling the top of her head and Melanie resting against his chest without speaking. Her hair smelt of the apple shampoo she favoured and there was the faintest scent of vanilla from her perfume. Why two such fairly innocuous fragrances should make his blood pulse with desire he didn’t know, but then Melanie had always had that effect on him. He wanted her so badly he ached with it, but he steeled himself against betraying it, knowing at this moment she wanted nothing more than to be held and comforted.
After a minute or two, he murmured, ‘I’ll ring Miriam tomorrow and ask her to see you. She’s a busy lady but we go way back and I know she’ll find time.’
