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Melanie plugged in the coffee machine and then stood with her hands on her stomach, the wonder that a little life was growing inside her engulfing all her worries and fears and doubts for a few moments. ‘You’ll be told about your brother, little one, as soon as you’re old enough to understand,’ she whispered. ‘He was our first child and greatly loved, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be loved too, for who and what you are.’
Would this baby understand that she had to leave it for its own good, though? Could any child take that on board? It might hate her. But would that matter so much if it was safe and protected and having a good life? The turmoil came in again on a great flood of anguish. She was doing the right thing, wasn’t she? Yes, yes, she was. She couldn’t doubt herself. And there must be no more nights like last night. This separation had to stand. And that meant she mustn’t see Forde any more, because if he was there, in front of her, then all her resolve went out of the window. She wasn’t strong enough where he was concerned.
‘What’s wrong?’ said Forde sharply from behind her.
Melanie swung round, her hands springing away from her belly. ‘Nothing, nothing’s wrong.’
‘You were standing there like that and for a minute I thought you were in pain,’ he said thickly, his eyes searching her face as though he still wasn’t quite sure if she was telling him the truth.
‘I’m fine.’ She took a deep breath. She had never voluntarily mentioned Matthew or what had happened, Forde had always been the one to broach the subject and more often than not then she had refused to discuss it, knowing she would break down if she did, but now she said quietly, ‘I was thinking of Matthew, that’s all. I—I don’t want him forgotten. I want this baby to know it had a brother.’
‘Of course.’ His voice was soft but with a note in it that made her want to cry. ‘That’s taken as read, Nell.’
‘Forde, if I agree to go and see Miriam, to talk to her, I want—’ she took a deep breath ‘—I want you to promise you won’t come here again. That’s the deal. I mean it.’
She saw him take a physical step backwards as though she had slapped him across the face.
‘We can’t keep—’ She shook her head. There was no kind way to say it. ‘I don’t want you here. It complicates everything and it will just make the final parting all the harder. I can cope on my own.’
‘And if I can’t? Cope, that is?’ he said grimly. ‘What then? Or is this all about you to the exclusion of anything else?’
Now she felt as though he had slapped her.
‘You’re carrying my child,’ he said with deliberate control. ‘That gives me certain rights, surely? You can’t shut me out as though I don’t exist.’
‘I’m not trying to shut you out, not from the baby.’
‘Oh, I see.’ He raised dark brows. ‘So I promise to stay away for the next nine months—’
‘Six. I’m already three months pregnant.’
‘Six months,’ he continued as though she hadn’t interrupted, ‘and then what? I get a phone call saying the baby’s born and I can come and pick it up? Is that what you’ve got planned?’
She stared at him. He had a right to be angry but now she was angry too. ‘I didn’t have to tell you I was pregnant,’ she said stiffly. ‘Not so early on anyway.’
‘As I recall, it was me turning up at the doctor’s that forced you to reveal it. Right? Whether you would have told me if you’d had time to think about it, I’m not so sure.’
Probably because he had touched on something she had been questioning herself about for the last twenty-four hours, Melanie was incensed. ‘I’m not discussing this further, but I’d like you to remember that this is my house and I have a perfect right to say who comes over the threshold.’ She glared at him, hands on hips and her eyes flashing.
‘If you weren’t pregnant I’d try shaking some sense into you,’ he ground out between clenched teeth.
She knew he didn’t mean it. Forde would never touch a woman in anger. Nevertheless her small chin rose a notch. ‘You could try,’ she said bitingly, ‘but don’t forget what I do for a living. I’m stronger than I look.’
‘Actually, I’ve never doubted how strong you are,’ he said tersely. ‘It’s your best and your worst attribute. It got you through the first twenty-five years of your life until you met me but now it’s in danger of ruining the rest of your life. You need to let me in, Nell. You don’t have to fight alone. Don’t you realise that’s what marriage is all about? I’m in your corner, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health. I love you. You. The kind of love that will last for ever. I’m not going to give up on you whatever you say or do so get that through your head.’
‘And you get through your head that I can’t be what you want me to be. I’m not good for you, Forde. I’m not good for anyone.’
‘You are the best thing that ever happened to me,’ he said from the heart. ‘The very best. Now you can try to tell yourself different if you like, but I know what I feel.’
She stared at him. ‘I can’t do this,’ she said flatly, the tone carrying more weight than any show of emotion. ‘I want you to go, Forde. Now. I mean it.’
She did. He could see it in every fibre of her being. But he had one last thing to say. ‘Even before the accident, you were expecting the bubble to burst, Nell. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy and you are the only one who can change that. I don’t think I can do or say any more but I hope you have the courage to dig deep and face what you need to face, for the sake of our child as much as us.’
Her chin was up and her voice was tight and thin when she said, ‘Have you finished?’
He gave her one last long look and then walked into the dining room, where his jacket was still hanging over the back of a chair, shrugging it on and leaving the house without another word.
Melanie heard the front door slam behind him but she didn’t move for a full minute simply because she couldn’t. She felt sick and ill and wretchedly unhappy, but she told herself she’d done what had to be done.
