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She opened her mouth to deny it but then she realised Jay was right. She wondered why she’d never noticed it before.
‘I’ve never trusted men with weak mouths,’ Jay said softly. ‘Or women, come to that. It’s the one feature that betrays the inner person.’
‘This is all very interesting but I repeat, my father has nothing to do with us.’
‘Wrong. He has everything to do with where we are now.’ It was swift and inflexible. ‘And the way I feel about him it’s fortunate he’s dead.’
There were a few moments of awkward silence. Miriam didn’t know what to say to break it; there had been a very real controlled rage in Jay’s voice that had shocked her.
‘But there it is,’ Jay said quietly after a little while, his voice expressionless now. ‘I’m fighting against the legacy of a ghost but at least I have a better understanding of why now.’
‘Why?’
‘Why you’re like you are, why your boyfriends before me were the type of spineless individuals who were looking for a mother rather than a girlfriend, men who were content to be led by a ring through their nose.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ She was mortally offended.
‘But then you fell in love,’ he went on remorselessly. ‘The last thing you’d bargained for or wanted. The safety net was gone. Suddenly you understood how your mother had felt about your father and subconsciously the barriers went up. This was forbidden territory, dangerous, like quicksand. One minute your feet were on solid ground, the next you were sinking in a host of emotions you found overwhelming.’
She was shaking. She didn’t know if it was because his insight had bulldozed open a door in her mind she’d relentlessly kept closed, or because she was more angry than she’d ever been in the whole of her life. ‘Stop this car. I want to get out.’
‘You want to run away? Again?’ he added grimly.
‘I didn’t run away. I left you because you’d made it impossible for me to stay by having an affair,’ she shouted back. Loudly.
‘You believed what you’d schooled yourself to believe. What you had willed would happen one day. Deep in your mind it was just a matter of time.’
‘I saw you.’ Only the fact Jay was driving prevented her from hitting him. As this knowledge registered it served like a bucket of icy cold water over her head. Miriam had always considered herself the gentlest of souls, but right at this moment if she could have really hurt him she knew she would have done so.
What was she turning into? she asked herself, horrified. What had he turned her into? She drew in a long silent breath. ‘I’d like to go home now, please.’
He glanced at her white face and the next moment she was aware they were turning off the brightly lit main road into a quieter tree-lined side-road. As he cut the engine he turned, taking her into his arms before she had time to object. He kissed her as she struggled against him and after a minute or two she stopped fighting him. It was only then he raised his head to say softly, ‘You are home, Miriam, here in my arms. It’s just a matter of believing it, that’s all.’
‘I can’t.’ She felt too emotionally drained to argue.
‘You will.’ He sounded so sure, so confident that she felt a second’s sharp anger spear the weariness. ‘But for now no more talking. We’re going to the theatre tonight—I’ve got the tickets here—and then for a meal at Ravencrofts, where I’ve reserved a quiet table for two tucked away in a secluded alcove.’
She raised her eyes, her gaze holding his for an infinitesimal moment. ‘It’s no good, Jay. You know that in the heart of you, don’t you? We can’t go back to the way things were.’
‘I don’t want to go back to how it was.’ There was a significant pause before he added, ‘This time you’re going to give me your whole heart, Miriam. I want you body, soul and spirit—nothing else will do.’
CHAPTER SIX
MIRIAM woke up at six o’clock the next morning, long before her alarm was due to go off. Unusually for her she was instantly wide awake, although she remained curled under the duvet as she reviewed every minute of the day before, her heart beating faster as she pictured Jay’s hard, handsome face on the screen of her mind.
The theatre seats had been for a show she’d been longing to see for ages but for which she’d been unable to get tickets, it being booked solid for months ahead. Needless to say, Jay had secured a couple of the best seats in the house along with champagne and strawberries served in their box in the interval. He had dropped off the car in the company car park and hailed a taxi to the theatre, and when they’d emerged from the show another taxi had been waiting to take them to Ravencrofts, an exclusive and very expensive restaurant in the heart of London’s West End.
The meal had been wonderful and he had been the epitome of congenial dinner companion, keeping the conversation light and amusing. When he had taken her home he’d kept the taxi waiting while he saw her to her front door, and although this time he had kissed her goodnight it had been a friendly, undemanding kiss and he had left immediately.
And today she was seeing him again. Miriam sat up in bed at the thought, wrapping her arms round her knees as she considered her stupidity. And it was stupid to play with fire. She rocked back and forth a couple of times before snuggling under the covers again as the chill in the room struck. The heating wasn’t due to come on for another hour.
In the quietness of the room Jay’s words of the day before played in her head over and over again. She had been too emotionally and mentally exhausted the night before to do more than shower and fall into bed, but now her mind was like a dog with a bone. Away from the piercing tawny eyes she allowed herself to consider what he’d said about her father and her attitude to love and the male species. She had always told herself she had attracted a certain type of man because she was too soft, and lame ducks, men who had needed her to look after them to some extent and take charge, had seemed to recognise this. Now she found herself wondering if rather than them seeking her out, she had been the one to instigate her previous relationships before Jay. Could he be right? Had she subconsciously been making sure she was always the one in control of the relationship? Certainly she had never felt the slightest inclination to get serious with any of them.
She tossed and turned under the duvet, the nature of her musing making her uncomfortable and irritable. Even with that in mind, it still didn’t alter what Jay had done, she told herself after a contemplative half-hour. In fact it only proved she had been right not to get involved with the handsome, charming, love-’em-and-leave-’em types in the past.
Although Jay hadn’t loved her and left her, not really.
The thought came out of the blue and propelled her out of bed regardless of the cold. Pulling on her bathrobe, she decided on an early-morning soak but once she was lying in the warm water she found herself thinking about him again. He had always insisted on his innocence and had never written them off as a couple. It had been her who’d done that.
