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Finding she wanted to cry, she hastily pulled herself together and determined to stop thinking about Jay. She didn’t know what had got into her this morning; it must be because of Clara. She would never have believed the girl had such a heartbreaking past if she hadn’t heard it from Clara herself; Clara was always so cheerful and funny and light-hearted. It just went to show no one ever really knew anyone else.
She did so hope Brian would come up trumps for Clara, but he would, she was sure of it. The look in his eyes when he’d stood staring at Clara this morning had been everything any woman could want. And look how he’d come to find her despite all Clara had said the night before. They’d be fine. He clearly had the sort of tenacity needed to help Clara face and beat her gremlins.
As the train neared her stop she began to run through some of the more important things to do when she reached the office, but try as she might to keep them at bay, truths that had resonated with her because of her own situation crowded her mind. As Clara had talked, revealing her own insecurities, Miriam had known the other girl was inadvertently highlighting more than just her own weaknesses. They were very different, she and Clara, but in some ways disturbingly similar. Clara had chosen a somewhat promiscuous lifestyle involving relationships with men she’d known she wouldn’t fall in love with but who presented something of a
challenge, dumping them as soon as they’d fallen for her. She, on the other hand, had unconsciously picked needy types who relied on her far more than she did them, mainly because she hadn’t been able to trust that they wouldn’t leave her unless it was that way. But it all boiled down to the same thing, a need to be in control, to be holding the whip hand. And then she had met Jay.
She shivered, although she wasn’t cold. They’d reached her station and she was thankful for it; she didn’t want to think any more.
But even as she walked the short distance from the tube station thoughts crowded in. She hadn’t meant to fall in love, she had never bargained for it. In fact she didn’t really think she had believed in it until it had happened to her. Love, she’d decided very early on in life, was essentially a fierce sexual attraction, a me-Tarzan, you-Jane type of primal magnetism between the sexes. Avoid that and you wouldn’t be fooled into the net as her mother had been. Hence, she supposed, her penchant for subconsciously choosing lame ducks.
She stopped at the steps to the building, unaware of desultory flakes of snow whirling in the wind as she stood looking inwards. For the first time she admitted to herself that under the wonder and excitement of Jay sweeping her off her feet, of them getting married, being blissfully happy, there had always been a strong undercurrent of fear. Jay had said it was inevitable they would separate because she’d convinced herself he was like her father and that believing anything else would make her too vulnerable. She didn’t think that was wholly true but there was an element of truth in it. She had felt too deeply, loved him too much and it had frightened her, even as she had done everything she could to please him. Like pretending to enjoy living at the apartment because she’d known how much he loved it there.
When the worst had happened, when she had found him with Belinda and her world had come crashing down about her ears, there had still been a strange feeling of some weight being taken off her shoulders. Now she realised it was because the waiting had finally come to an end.
She made herself walk up the steps into the centrally heated confines of the office block, taking the lift to the floor where Thorpe & Sons operated. As she walked through the outer office to reach her smaller one, which led on to her boss’s more spacious domain, one of the girls called to her that Mr Thorpe had left a message to say he’d be back after lunch, should she make it in.
Miriam thanked her, but on reaching her office she closed the door to shut out the low hum of conversation and noise and sat down at her desk without turning on her computer.
Staring ahead, she faced another truth. She had been putting off speaking to Jay’s sister for weeks. She knew Jay wanted her to, although he’d made no mention of it since that first night he had taken her out to dinner. He had spoken of Jayne a few times, saying her morning sickness tended to be all day and she was feeling tired but still thrilled about the baby, but that was all.
Her reason for not contacting Jayne wasn’t altogether that she didn’t want to put Jay’s sister in a difficult position, Miriam admitted silently to herself. The trouble was she liked Jayne very much, loved her even; in the short time she’d known her Jayne had become the sister she’d never had. And that was another thread in the sticky web that had trapped her.
Miriam’s smooth brow wrinkled with self-derision. Was she really such a mess? It would seem so. Suddenly a whole host of hang-ups that had been cluttering up her psyche for years were coming to the forefront. But—Miriam’s eyes narrowed as she looked inward—that still didn’t necessarily mean that Jay hadn’t been having an affair with Belinda…did it?
She twisted restlessly, the doubt that had crept in unnerving. Imagining she’d got it wrong last Christmas, that what she’d seen was Belinda trying to seduce Jay, that he’d been telling the truth all along and Belinda had lied, was nearly as bad as if it was true, she realised with a stab of horror that she could think that way. But it was. Because that would not only mean she had put them both through the worst year in history for nothing, but also that she’d be back to wondering every minute of every day when the moment would be that Jay would grow tired of her and really start an affair with a Belinda lookalike. Because Jay was right. She had been waiting for him to let her down as her father had let her mother down.
Miriam groaned softly, her hands cupping her cheeks as she stared blindly ahead. And that feeling was still there, even though she had brought it into the light. She didn’t trust him. Awful maybe—especially if he hadn’t been playing around with Belinda, which perhaps was a possibility—but that was how she felt. In spite of all the pain and loneliness and grief the last ten months, she’d had something—call it peace of mind or a calm acceptance of fate, she wasn’t sure, but whatever it was it had been a comfort, even in her worst moments.
The telephone rang, making her jump violently. Becoming aware she was sitting at an empty desk and she had a pile of work to do, she quickly lifted the receiver, her voice clipped and professional when she said, ‘Mr Thorpe’s secretary. How can I help you?’
‘I can think of several ways.’ Jay’s voice was smokily amused and her stomach tightened. That was another thing about him, she thought despairingly. He had the most seductive, come-to-bed voice she’d ever heard.
Clearing her throat, she said fairly steadily, ‘Jay? What are you doing phoning me at work? Is anything wrong?’
‘I’m afraid I can’t make it tonight or the next few nights, come to that. A problem’s arisen with a business deal and it means making a trip to Germany. Unavoidable.’
‘That’s all right.’ Her main feeling was one of relief. Since the moment he had walked back into her life there hadn’t been one day she hadn’t seen him and she needed some time to think, time that wouldn’t be complicated by his presence. She was feeling emotionally claustrophobic, hemmed in. He wouldn’t understand that—how could he? She didn’t understand herself any more.
‘All right?’ It was a dry murmur. ‘I’d have preferred a smidgen of disappointment.’
‘You have to do what your business dictates. I’m aware of that,’ she prevaricated.
‘An understanding wife.’ Now the mockery was overt. ‘A rare thing.’
‘If you’ve just phoned to be nasty—’
‘I’ve called to say I’m taking you out to lunch, considering I shan’t be around for a few days. I’ll be waiting outside at one, OK?’
‘I can’t. Really, I can’t. I didn’t get in till a little while ago. Clara wasn’t feeling too well and I stayed with her for a couple of hours this morning. I’ll work through my lunch hour to catch up.’
‘You can work late tonight now you aren’t seeing me.’
‘There are things that won’t wait,’ she said firmly, annoyed by his authoritative tone.
‘Too true, and one of them is me. One o’clock, Miriam, or I’ll come up and get you.’
‘You most certainly will not,’ she almost hissed at him. ‘Who do you think you are anyway?’ Stupid question and, Jay being Jay, he didn’t miss the opportunity to hammer the point home.
