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But where did that leave her and Jay? she asked herself bleakly as she fought her way down the steps of the tube station.
Where they were right now. A million miles apart.
Miriam sat in grim contemplation until her stop, and once on the surface again walked home on leaden feet. Her mother had said George was the love of her life. Well, she knew Jay was hers. Without any doubt whatsoever. And she didn’t want to live the rest of her life without him, waking up one day to find she was a barren old lady, withered away, grey, wrinkled.
She wanted to love him and trust him and believe in his love for her; she did, so much. But could she? And could she go back to that apartment and take up the sort of life they had shared? And why, why hadn’t he loved her enough to sweep away all her foolish arguments and demand to see her after he had got back to England? Why, why?
She had been so immersed in her thoughts she didn’t notice the car outside the house, so when a car door opened and a voice said, ‘Miriam?’ she thought for a second she’d imagined Jay into being.
She stared at him through the shadows and he smiled, tawny eyes meeting hers calmly. ‘Hi,’ he said softly. ‘You were miles away.’
Her heart was racing and try as she might she couldn’t match his air of quiet self-control. She knew her voice was shaky when she said, ‘Hello, Jay.’
He came towards her and she didn’t move, a trembling in her stomach causing muscles to clench. He looked gorgeous, big and dark and masculine, his bulky overcoat emphasising the strength and power of his virile attractiveness.
‘How are you?’ he asked when he reached her, one hand lifting her chin as he kissed her lips in a way that suggested he had every right to do so. ‘Mmm.’ He drew back a little to look into her eyes. ‘You taste of chocolate and wine.’
‘It was the office Christmas party,’ she answered automatically before realising that that probably wasn’t the most tactful reply in view of the events of last year.
Jay nodded. ‘Ours too.’ He continued to regard her steadily. ‘So, how are you?’ he said again.
‘Fine.’ It was a lie and Jay knew it; she could tell from his face. ‘How about you?’ she added brightly.
‘The better for seeing you.’
He could have seen her any time he fancied over the
last couple of weeks. Suddenly she wanted to shout at him, to say or do something outrageous to jerk him out of the relaxed, almost nonchalant air he was displaying, but she knew perfectly well she couldn’t. He had done nothing wrong after all. He had stayed away because she had made it very plain she required him to. But now he was here she knew that was the last thing she’d wanted. Forcing herself to speak normally, she said, ‘How did Germany go?’
‘Germany went very well.’
It was faintly mocking and immediately Miriam’s hackles rose. It was one thing to lie awake night after night eating her heart out for this man, and quite another for him to stand there making fun of her. ‘Good.’ She took a step back from him. ‘Well, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got things to do. It’s going to be an early start tomorrow.’
‘Ah, yes, your holiday with Clara. Doesn’t Brian mind being left home alone?’
She didn’t like him in this mood. Bristling, she snapped, ‘Why are you here, Jay?’
‘Because I couldn’t keep away.’ He reached out and took her into his arms, kissing her breath away. Literally. When he raised his head, his eyes glinted down at her. ‘And because I wanted to give you your Christmas box.’
‘But I haven’t got anything for you,’ she protested, horrified.
‘I’ve just had what I wanted.’ His eye caressed her mouth, making it tingle. ‘And don’t look so stricken. If you’re really concerned, I’ll have more of the same later.’
She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t join in whatever game he was playing. She loved him too much and this was agony. ‘Jay, I don’t think—’
‘Good.’ He put a finger to her lips. ‘Don’t think. This is Christmas. Or nearly. Just go with the magic. Look, I can’t give you your present here, and if I come in, ten-to-one the pit bull will be on duty. Come for a ride with me.’
Bewildered, Miriam stared at his shadowed features. The night was bitterly cold, the temperature was dropping by the hour and although her cases were packed she still had a hundred and one last-minute things to do. ‘I can’t.’
He didn’t say anything, he just drew her into his arms again, settling her against the solid bulk of him before kissing her long and deeply. It was a confident kiss, strong and warm, igniting a whole host of emotions she could have done without.
Trying to keep a hold on reality, Miriam said again, ‘Really, I can’t. You don’t understand—’
‘Can’t is not a word that features in the Carter vocabulary, you know that.’ He hadn’t let go of her, his breath a white mist in the freezing air. ‘I’m only asking for a few minutes, Miriam.’ He pressed her closer against him. ‘And it is Christmas after all.’
This was crazy, insane. The warning was loud and powerful. But then, could she feel any worse by spending a little time with him than she’d felt over the last days?
His finger outlined her lips, infinitely gentle. ‘Please, Miriam. What’s ten, fifteen minutes in the overall scheme of things? You’ll be back here before you know it.’
