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I zipped through the lot, seeking a secret place to look at the note again in the refuge of my car.
What does he want? Why is he calling? Is he here? Is he in the lot?
Questions paraded themselves through my mind as I slid my purse into the backseat and eased into the driver’s seat. I didn’t even roll down the windows or turn on the air-conditioning. I just sat there with the note held to my chest and weighed what was happening. At first I wanted to ignore my feelings. To pretend that I couldn’t understand why he was trying to contact me. But then I realized that that was only because a little part of me was illuminated by the idea that he had. But I was a married woman and he was my former student. Ten years younger than me. I shouldn’t be illuminated. I shouldn’t even have been sitting there with that note. My husband had said no. And then I thought that maybe that was it. Maybe this note meant nothing to me. And that the only reason I was even thinking about this whole thing was because Evan had acted so pig-headed. Maybe it was because I was just bored with my life and went out and had a good time and now I had a secret I was keeping from my husband. That was it. This was nothing. I looked down at the note again and thought if I should call. Dig myself deeper into this nothingness. Maybe I should’ve prayed. Called my mother. Went home to my husband. But I dialed.
“Yeah,” a voice said on the first ring. I knew who it was. Dreamland.
“Dame,” I said quietly, suddenly feeling the heat growing around me in the car.
“You got the message.” His voice was strong but still excited. It sounded like my heart felt when Ms. Newberr y finally said “dream.”
“Yeah.” I replied. And then there was silence. It was like all of the things I was thinking before I dialed the number were floating in the air. We weren’t saying anything, but somehow we both knew that this phone call wasn’t as simple as me listening to another one of his songs. I wanted it not to be true. Wanted then to hang up and drive right home to Evan. But then he spoke.
“I want to see you,” he said, the strength in his voice lost in a nervous, short breath.
“You know, I just have so much going on,” my mind sent my lips to say. “That thing with my brother and my family. I really need to focus on—”
“Journey,” he said. And it was as if no one had ever said my name before. Like I’d never heard it. Not really. And then I realized that I’d never heard him say it.
“Yes.”
“I need to see you.”
“When?”
“I’m in Miami right now, but I’ll be in Atlanta in two days. I want you to come to my show.”
“What?”
“I’m sending a car over there for you and I want you to come to my show.”
“I can’t just go to Atlanta. I’m a ... Dame, I’m a married woman. I can’t just leave. Evan won’t have it.” I imagined telling Evan I was just going to Atlanta. It would sound absurd. It wasn’t far, but I never went to Atlanta. Not even to see Justin. I didn’t have the time. And if I did, Evan would come with me.
“Tell him you’re coming to see me perform,” he said.
“It’s not that simple.”
Dame sighed deeply.
“Look, I’m going to have a car waiting for you in the parking lot at Dreamland at 9 p.m. on Wednesday,” he said. The excitement had surrendered from his voice and I wondered what he looked like right then. “He’ll have two tickets to the show. If you don’t show up, it’s cool.”
“Okay,” I said. “But there’s no way I can do it.”
“I really need to see you,” he repeated and this time he sounded like he was the one in need of water.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
I hung up knowing I could do nothing. This was impossible. Dame was making my life sound like some rap video where I could just jump into the back of a Bentley and ride out of town to a concert. I was not young. Not one of the white girls at the Cypress Inn or one of the teenagers stalking him from the curb as we rode down University Boulevard. I was a grown woman and sneaking away like that could rock every surface of my life. What was happening with Jr could possibly be happening with my parents, and Evan concerned about his career, I could not afford to shake anything. The secret had to end there. I crumpled the paper and threw it into a trash can as I pulled out of the school parking lot.
That night, as he had almost every night since my birthday, Evan reached out for me when I climbed into bed. He ran his hand suggestively down my arm and kissed me on the cheek. Before he could move to my lips, I turned away and said I was tired. That fast. I said I was tired and exhaled in show before turning away.
“You sure?” he asked. I could see him raised up on his elbow behind me.
“Yes,” I said, my eyes wide as I looked out into the night. “I had a long day.”
“Okay.” He fell back down, hitting the bed hard and in a huff.
I blew out again, but in relief this time. I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep with Evan after I knew I’d been on the phone with Dame. I had to get a hold of my feelings before I could have Evan again. This was all new emotion to me. And I thought that just by touching Evan, I’d be adding more to the secrecy.
