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Tommy danced in the street. “Whoaaaaaa, yeah. Gimme, gimme the money.” He grabbed it from Jared’s hand and ran into the small hole-in-the-wall store. It had a brick entrance and an old-fashioned décor with a seventies feel of neon and bright colors in the window.
“That’s really not a nice way to talk about women.”
“Huh? Oh, well we weren’t talking about a woman. We were talking about an old woman’s poodle. We got drunk and I dared him to fuck the dog. He said we all have limitations. I haven’t heard the end of it since. He can be such a bitch sometimes.” Jared shook his head, smiling.
* * * * *
“Hello, dahhhhhlings, don’t you just looooooooove my new jacket?” Tommy stood seductively against the wooden doorframe in a purple crushed-velvet sports jacket.
“Damn, I feel sexy now. Let’s get to the pick-up zone.” 20
In the End
They walked back to the truck. Except Tommy—who sashayed like a princess.
“Why do you guys act like this?”
“Well, all we get on our satellite is the infomercials and the cheap TV stations. And he watches reruns of that show where the gay guys do a makeover of a straight male.
Tommy just loooooves the different characters. We thought we would blend in easier if we acted like people from television.”
“Blend in? What planet are you from again?”
“Uranus.”
“Pardon me?”
“We live inside Uranus.”
“My anus?”
“Not my-anus…Ur-anus. You know, the planet. Didn’t we go over this in the coffee shop? In the solar system. Don’t they teach you humans anything in school?”
“That sounds about right for you two. I thought Uranus was bitterly cold. Life can’t exist there. I’m getting a headache.” Rene rubbed her temple and sighed.
“Well on the surface it is just smooth and cold. But inside Uranus, it is warm. Many species live in the long tunnel of caves buried beneath the surface. It is a cramped, small area.”
“Yep, you’ll like it there. Uranus may be a little dusty but it’s not much different from some of your cities.”
“Holy smokes, what’s that smell? Oh, jeez, it’s horrible.” Rene blinked her eyes tightly.
Tommy sniffed the air and looked over to Jared with an eyebrow raised. “It was probably Jared. Every time he eats pork, he gets gas. One time he ate a whole bag of pork rinds. Oh. My. GOD. I was scared to light a match.”
“Let me guess. Jared is the male of this couple.” 21
S.L. Carpenter
“Couple? Ohhhhh, you have us all wrong. We’re Uranuses. We are here on a mission for the queen. She rules over all the male population. She wants us to bring a female Earthling to the planet. She has a job for the woman who comes to Uranus with us. So it will be you, the queen, a dozen breeders and about two million men.”
“I like those odds. I need to get laid anyway. Maybe I can find one that isn’t an asshole.” Rene began to laugh.
“Oh, quit it. We only mate male to female for creation of more life or when the queen gets an itch for some beefcake. She is such a slut. I mean, you could probably fit a whole arm up there and have to open your fingers to feel the sides.”
“That’s just great. A black hole of sex.”
Rene began to rub her forehead. “I’m getting a migraine. What does the queen do?” With a sigh, Tommy began his little condensed speech for Rene.
“The queen basically rules Uranus. Think about it, when hasn’t a woman ruled everything. So anyways, she only mates with certain men. Men like…never mind. It’s rather complicated. She is like a merry-go-round, everyone gets to take a ride and it seems to last forever and you feel sick in the end.”
