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“You're in the hospital. You were involved in a freak snowboarding accident.”
“Is everything okay? I mean, how bad was it? Good Lord, I can't feel my legs. I'll never walk again! I'll never be able to play baseball! I'll never…”
“Sir, calm down, you're fine. But I must inform you that you've lost…how to phrase this, your, uh, ummmmm, legs.”
“The right one?”
“No,” the doctor muttered.
“The left one?”
“Uh, no. The other leg,” the doctor muttered again.
“You mean…?”
“Yes, the middle one.”
“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!” screamed Bob and an echoing rumble issued from the hospital room and filled the corridors.
After Bob awoke from passing out, he contemplated what to do next.
“Is there anything you can do? I'm getting married in four months! I just couldn't bear not having a…you know.”
The doctor paused, thinking to himself and said, “Well, there is a new operation that's performed with crazy glue, viagra, silicone, fiberglass, duct tape, a bunch of ointments, parsley and a lot of prayers. I'm not sure it would work for you. In the only successful case, they attached the guy's own penis and yours is, well, an owl took yours and fed it to her nestlings and all that's left is this.” The doctor held up what looked like a small chewed up piece of bacon.
“What about transplanting someone else’s on? Can you guys do that? I'm desperate!” Bob asked.
“Hummmm, interesting possibilities,” the doctor said, contemplating the idea.
After consulting with the other doctors and trying frantically to find blood and skin matches to the existing stiffs (no pun intended), they came up with three potential donors.
“Well, we think it can be done but we need your consent. And we want you to choose your new weapon.” The doctor handed him four pictures of the other men's genitals.
“This one here is Arthur, an accountant from Brooklyn.” The picture was of a penis with a telephoto shot really close up. For size reference it was next to a color crayon and still looked small.
“Too small. Boy, he must have whacked it daily…look at all those stretch marks!” Bob said, while pointing at the picture.
“Vincent here, a yuppie from Queens, is probably our best candidate.”
The doctor mentioned that the penis had a little bend in it. It actually looked like a question mark.
“Are you kidding?! Look it's all bent to the right. And I at least want what I had, if not more.” Bob motioned like he was holding a large pepperoni.
“Lastly there's Tyrone. He was a Semi-pro basketball player and a bouncer at a couple local nightclubs.” Bob looked at the pictures with half a cock in each one. “You need to put both of those pictures side by side. We couldn't fit it on only one Polaroid.”
“Now that's the one for me!” Bob shouted excitedly as he found his sword of choice.
“Sir, other than the obvious color difference there may be some problems. I can't really recommend…”
“I don't care, I want this one! Boy, what a honeymoon surprise this will be!”
The operation went well and the swelling went down. There was no infection and everything seemed to be great. Bob was now a new man with a new and improved tool. Wanting to christen it like a new bass boat, he decided to not whack off or do anything to himself until the wedding night. He wanted to be like a virgin again.
The big day finally arrived and Bob's wedding was upon him. Everything was beautiful. The bride, Jennifer, was dressed in a white satin gown with lace trim and a hand-embroidered train done by her mother. Her blonde hair was up, her skin was tanned and she was simply stunning. The day, Jennifer, the ceremony were all exquisite.
Bob stood proudly and anxiously at the altar through the procession. He adjusted himself a few times not being used to something dangling below his boxers. He stood staring while she approached to join him and exchange their vows and pledge their eternal love. All Bob could think about was the honeymoon night and showing her his surprise.
Finally, after exchanging the rings and saying their vows, they both said, “I do.” They kissed then ran through the crowd. Trying to remain calm, Bob smiled forcibly having pictures taken. Then came the crying and kissing by family members, the typical father-in-law talk and all the while he watched Jennifer glow. Finally they jumped into the limousine and sped off to the reception.
