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She curled her arms around his neck, pulling herself up towards him. ‘Then tell me why you’re a villain. I won’t let go until you do.’
He gritted his teeth. Her face was just a few inches from his. He was half tempted to kiss her just to stop her from talking, except that he had a feeling she wouldn’t let the matter drop even then. But perhaps he owed her the whole truth after all.
‘All right, but not here. Come inside.’
He drew her arms from around his neck and opened his bedroom door, standing back to let her precede him inside. He couldn’t touch her any longer, not until after he’d told her—though he doubted she’d want him to hold her then...
‘This isn’t easy to do without a drink.’ He closed the door behind them with an ominous thud. ‘You might need one, too.’
‘No, thank you.’ She took a seat on the edge of the bed, looking up at him expectantly.
‘All right.’ He strode across to the fireplace, feeling chilled all of a sudden. ‘You might recall that I have—I had—a certain reputation. With women, that is.’
‘Yes.’ He could almost feel her eyes boring into the back of his head.
‘It was a fair one. In all honesty, it might have been a lot worse. I’ve no excuse for my behaviour. It was reprehensible. I’d like to say that being in the army changed me, made me more of a gentleman, but it didn’t. I was a good officer, my men liked me, but I still behaved badly.’
He threw a quick look over his shoulder, but her expression was unreadable. ‘The major of our unit was about twenty years older than me. He was a good man, someone I liked and respected, but he had a younger wife... Pamela. He adored her, but suffice to say she wasn’t quite so enamoured. She was pretty and bored and easily distracted. You can probably guess the rest.’
‘I don’t want to guess.’
‘Very well.’ He gripped the edge of the mantel. ‘We had an affair. It was only a handful of times, but one evening he found us together in bed. I suppose I ought to be glad he didn’t shoot me there and then, but unlike me, he was a man of honour. He challenged me to a duel instead.’ He ground his teeth at the memory. ‘I slept with his wife and he gave me a chance to shoot him.’
He sensed rather than heard her come to stand behind him. ‘Only a chance? Didn’t you take it?’
‘I stood and faced him with a loaded pistol, if that’s what you mean, but when I saw the look of pain on his face I realised that it didn’t make any difference who shot whom. No matter what happened, I’d already destroyed something inside of him that couldn’t be repaired. I’d broken his heart over a woman I didn’t even care about. It was the first time in my life I knew what guilt felt like. The first time I realised my actions had real consequences. So I shot into the air and waited. I thought it was the least I could do under the circumstances.’
‘Then he shot you?’
‘Only in the leg. At ten paces on a perfectly still day with a clear target. He w
as too good a man to punish me the way I deserved.’
‘Did you want him to kill you?’
‘No. I didn’t want to die, even though I thought I probably deserved it. When I woke up in the infirmary, I didn’t mind the pain either because I knew I deserved that, too. But after that, everything seemed to unravel. I got the news about Arthur and Father, I was discharged from the army, I had to face everything I’d done, all those mistakes...’ He bent his head over his hands. ‘So now you know. I’m not a war hero, Violet, not even close.’
‘No...’ Her voice sounded flat, without any inflection at all. ‘You’re not.’
They lapsed into silence for a few moments, with only the sound of the fire crackling between them. He couldn’t even hear her breathing, but he could still sense her there at his shoulder, as if all his nerve endings were straining towards her.
‘So what now?’ At last he couldn’t bear the tension any longer.
‘What do you mean?’ Her voice was the same flat monotone as before.
‘I mean, how soon will you be leaving now that I’ve told you the truth?’ He gave a bitter smile and then grimaced. ‘Forgive me, Violet. I shouldn’t have said it like that. You’ve every right to leave if you want to. I’ll even take you to the station if you wish.’
‘I don’t wish it. I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m tired.’
‘Tired?’ He felt a stab of disappointment. Was that it? Wasn’t she going to say anything about what he’d just told her? He’d expected condemnation, disgust, tears even, but not tiredness. He’d have rather she railed at him than said nothing at all, though maybe silence was a more fitting punishment. Maybe there was nothing to say. He limped stiffly towards the interconnecting door that led to her bedroom and held it open, but she didn’t follow.
‘Violet?’
‘Will you help me undress?’ Slowly she peeled her gloves off and then turned around, gesturing at the clasps that ran down the back of her gown. ‘I told Eliza not to wait up.’
He made a noise intended to be agreement, though it sounded more like a growl as he moved back towards her again, lifting his fingers to the nape of her neck and slowly unfastening each clasp. To his surprise, his hands were shaking slightly.
‘There’s a bow, too, at my waist.’ She half twisted her head. ‘Could you untie it?’
