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My chest aches as I brush away the strands. ‘She’s no one to me now.’
‘But she used to be?’
I nod. ‘A long time ago.’
‘Did you love her?’
I look away. ‘She was married to someone else.’
I say it like it’s enough. Enough to condemn me and dismiss Eliza in one.
‘But did you love her?’
‘I thought I did.’
‘Did she break your heart?’
My eyes waver over her face. I take in all that beauty, enchantment and vulnerability, all that my heart truly cares about, and I can’t find my voice.
‘So you can love...’ her eyes flicker closed ‘...you just can’t love me.’
She rolls away, her body curling into a ball, and I feel like my heart is being wrenched from my chest. I want to plead with her, make her realise it’s because I care that I can’t do this with her. I can’t let myself love her and be loved in return.
‘That’s not how it is, Cait. You deserve better.’
‘I don’t want better...’ she murmurs faintly and I know she’s drifting off. ‘I want you.’
My heart rises in my chest, choking up my throat.
I want you.
I squeeze my eyes shut against the urge to take what she’s offering and use it to suffocate the past. To rid me of the bad so I can be a better man. The kind that can treat her how she deserves.
A thousand things rage through my brain—things I should tell her, things I should confess. But I can’t.
I press my lips to her hair, breathe her in one last time and roll away.
I don’t deserve her. I’ll never deserve her. And if I tell her the truth of my past she’ll know it too. I can’t even bring myself to do that.
Proof again that I am selfish, undeserving, and she’s better off without me.
CHAPTER TEN
I WAKE, BUT I don’t want to.
I’m vaguely aware that I don’t remember getting into bed, I’m more than vaguely aware that movement sets my stomach off on a sickly roll. I try to squint but even the low light of the room stabs at my brain and sets off another roll.
I moan and close my eyes, staying very still. Something cold and soothing presses against my forehead and chills my eyes that feel like they’re on fire.
Thank you, Coco.
I relax into the pillow, letting the peaceful darkness take over.
When I wake again there’s the distant sound of music, the smell of...the smell of bacon? Someone’s cooking. But I live alone.
I remember someone taking care of me. I feel the flannel still pressed against my head, only it’s warm now.
I force one eye to open and view my surroundings side on. Okay, my brain drawls...not my bedroom, not Coco’s...not anywhere I recognise. What the—?
