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‘Enough with the deserving, Jackson. I’m sick of it. I wanted you to fuck me, I wanted you to tie me down, I would have begged for it if needed. You didn’t make me. I’m not a naïve teenager and you sure as hell didn’t have some twisted fuck watching me unawares...did you?’
‘How can you ask me that?’
‘See, even you know it’s ridiculous.’
He shakes his head at me, and I know it’s not sinking in. He’s not hearing me.
‘Please, Cait, I’m trying to do the right thing.’
‘Fuck doing the right thing!’ I’m out of words. I can’t think what else to say, only that I can’t stay here and wait for him to come back again. I grab my overnight bag from the floor and stride past him to the door.
‘Where are you going?’
I grip the door handle and turn to stare him down.
‘Home. There’s nothing left for me to say, nothing else I can do...’ I see my heartbreak reflected back at me and still he won’t move towards me.
I wet my lips and forge ahead. ‘You can do one thing for me, though.’
‘What?’ he croaks.
‘Tell me you don’t love me.’
He stares at me, immobilised, pale.
‘Tell. Me. You. Don’t. Love. Me. Jackson.’
His mouth parts, his eyes flash, but nothing.
‘You can’t, can you?’
The air shudders out of him. ‘I won’t lie to you, Cait.’
I give a pained laugh. ‘You’ll willingly break both our hearts though.’
Anger surges in my blood—anger that he could do this, anger that he could love me and not fight to keep me. ‘It’s okay, Jackson, I give up. I can’t make you accept my love. I can’t force you to accept that everything we’ve done together we’ve done because we both wanted it. And I can’t force you into a relationship you don’t want to be in.’
I look at the bag in my hand, the glimpse of green and white, the excitement I felt when I came to the club this evening, hyped up on my love for him. My conviction that he would accept Mum’s invite, that we would spend Christmas together and what that would mean for us as a couple is long forgotten. I was a fool. But I won’t be a fool now.
I straighten up and pierce him with one last stare.
‘You can tell yourself whatever you like, Jackson. But screw your past, screw the mistakes, screw what she did to you. It’s you doing this to me now, and if you can’t see the love that’s staring you in the face, if you can’t accept what we have, then...’ I lift my chin and hold my ground ‘...maybe you don’t deserve me after all.’
I pull open the door and pause on the threshold.
‘You are not Eliza, Jackson,’ I say it to the floor. ‘It’s time you realised that.’
And then I leave. I don’t spare him another glance because I know it’ll break me. And I won’t beg him to let me love him. I won’t beg to be loved in return. I won’t beg full stop. I was strong enough to go into this with my eyes wide open, the least I can do is leave with the same strength, the same dignity.
And who the hell are you trying to kid?
A sob rises up within me and I stumble on the stairs, righting myself just in time.
I can’t stop the tears from falling freely now. I can’t stop my heart shattering. I can’t stop myself loving him all the more for what he’s suffered.
Because I do love him. I love him more now than I did before, knowing what happened, what he’s been through, understanding him...
I’m hardly aware of the people manning the exit to Blacks as I brush past them, accidentally shoulder barging one as I struggle to see past the tears. I mutter an apology and keep on going. I don’t spy the curious looks being sent my way or acknowledge their concerned remarks.
