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Jesus, it was frustrating. I followed Carter’s instructions — even though I didn’t want to do anything he told me to do at that point — and went around the side of the house, unlocking an iron gate and storming into the front yard.
Just get some sleep, I told myself. You’ll feel less confused in the morning.
That was a good plan. Even if I knew, in my heart, that I’d be consumed with thoughts of him sleeping so close by, possibly only in his underwear. I resisted the urge to run back into the house and scream that I didn’t care about his secrets, I just wanted that body.
I threw open the door of the Airstream and let my eyes adjust to the relative darkness. It still wasn’t that late, as we were on an early schedule as kids Henry’s age eat, and sleep, early.
Nevertheless, Jo-Beth was fast asleep, tucked under the covers and snoring up a storm.
I shook my head. How had she managed to go to bed without dinner? Shit, I should’ve bought her something. On top of everything else, I was a bad friend. Oh well, I’d just have to make it up to her in the morning.
Grabbing some PJs from my bag, I quickly disrobed in the corner. Even if Jo-Beth hadn’t been awake, I wouldn’t have bothered hiding my body. We were completely open and comfortable with one another — hell, I’d seen her go to the bathroom more than once. I’d tried to object at first, but eventually I just gave in.
The T-shirt I chose was about three sizes too big for me, with a gigantic grinning Mickey Mouse on the front. It wasn’t classically sexy, but the way it skimmed the top of my thighs, just barely covering my pussy, felt illicit. And though Carter had retired for the night, my body, namely my crotch, was still on high alert. Every little touch felt special, stolen.
I didn’t feel like waking Jo-Beth, so I decided to brush my teeth without turning on the tap in the Airstream, and I didn’t know how long the water had been sitting in the tank. I also didn’t feel like going back inside that house, though I would’ve liked the chance for Carter to see me so disrobed. So I took the toothbrush and toothpaste from my bag and began to brush my teeth, working vigorously on my shiny whites. When I’d finished, I opened the trailer door and spit onto the ground outside. Not exactly ladylike, but desperate times, et cetera.
One quick disposable make-up remover later, and I was all set for bed, even if my mind wasn’t exactly feeling sleepy.
I climbed in bed next to Jo-Beth, making sure not to disturb her sleep. Frankly, there was no danger of that — she could sleep through a tornado and not wake up until she’d gotten her eight hours. I envied her abilities.
The pillow beneath my head was soft, but I couldn’t seem to sink into it. I shifted back and forth, trying to get comfortable, but nothing was working. All I could think of was Carter. It wasn’t fair. He’d ruined my waking hours, and now he was ruining my sleep time. Shouldn’t there be some kind of law against that? It’s certainly more egregious than jaywalking.
Jo-Beth snored again, oblivious.
And then, for the second time that day, my hand wandered down to my crotch, the soft fabric of my worn T-shirt shielding me from direct contact.
Shit, what was I doing?
I flicked an erstwhile finger up against the fabric, just to see what it felt like. Was this comfort? Was this relief?
I brought a second finger down, and plucked again, still on top of the T-shirt. A fizzle of flames tore through me, and then silence. Memories from only moments ago, of Carter next to me on the blanket, prone and open, filtered through my brain. Those snippets were followed by images from the afternoon — my bare body inside his yellow walls while his brown eyes turned away, his lighter brown hands passing me a towel. He was colors. He was pleasures.
He’d just pissed me off, though. I was conveniently leaving out that part of the story. He’d bolted from me like I was a noxious fume, desperate to steer clear of my toxicity. Was it wrong to masturbate to a man who wanted nothing to do with you?
And then, for the second time that day, I gave in.
My fingers tugged my T-shirt up then lunged for my clit. Jo-Beth slept soundly on. Good. I needed this release. And there were no secrets between us, right? This wasn’t sexual. It was just taking care of my basic needs. I knew this was at least a little wrong, but so long as she didn’t wake up, no one would ever be the wiser. This could be my dirty secret.
