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I wanted so badly to tell her the true story, but I couldn’t. Instead, I gripped her forearm for dear life and said:
“Please. You said you wanted to spend the day with me.”
“I’m sorry, Phoebe, but I can’t be trapped by your anxiety and paranoia. That’s your stuff to deal with. I want to support you, but if I fall behind on this work, I’ll be a useless mess.”
“I can’t make you stay,” I whispered.
“Atta girl. I’ll be back later.”
She grabbed her stuff from beside the bed and then walked out, whistling as she went.
I inhaled and exhaled a couple of times, thinking about my options.
Well, in fairness, if Meghan was real — and I had no evidence that she was — but if she was, there’s no reason she’d go after Jo-Beth. No way. There was no reason she’d really go after me, for that matter, especially not if Carter hated me as much as he’d implied. Both Jo-Beth and I were probably safe.
And yet, a little thought in the back of my head warned me against false confidence.
I got up and bolted the door, then unbolted it and rebolted it. After making sure it was locked as tightly as possible, I got back into bed, under the covers. When I was little, I was convinced that nothing bad could happen while you were in bed, that there was an electric lake around my mattress and if a monster came near, it got zapped. Apparently, not much had changed.
As I tried to keep my leg from bouncing up and down on the top sheet, my mind went reluctantly to Carter.
God, I was spitting fucking mad at him. I put a curse on his name. I wished the heavens would open up and smite him.
And yet, in the same breath, I wished desperately that he were there right about now, holding me and murmuring that everything would be all right. As long as he was there, maybe it could be. Despite all that had passed between us, I knew that he would keep me safe.
You don’t need his help, I thought to myself, angry at his rejection. You’re strong all on your own.
That was true enough, but it’s exhausting be strong and brave for yourself constantly. Sometimes, you want another person to lighten the load.
The trip had been a bad idea, I decided. This had been completely foolish. If I’d never gone on this trip, I wouldn’t be locked in a trailer, fearing the wrath of a deranged convict. There’s no sense in thinking like that, I told myself. What was I supposed to do, put my life on hold until the world was a safer place? Because that wasn’t happening anytime soon.
Anxiety skipped through my body like an infection, igniting and overloading my senses. I pulled out my phone for the first time in Rough and Ready. I rarely used the thing for calls, and since there was no internet in town, there hadn’t been much point in playing with it. But now I needed outside reassurance that I was not, in fact, losing my marbles. And I knew just the man for the job.
The phone rang twice, and he picked up on the third ring.
“Dad?”
“Sunshine, what’s up?”
The old nickname was reassuring. I felt my heartbeat slow.
“Just thought I’d call.”
“Oh! Well, nice to hear from you. How’s the trip going?”
My anxiety was surmounted by the need to keep my dad from thinking I was in trouble. If he got even a whiff of danger, he’d be on the first plane out.
“It’s nice. Jo-Beth’s doing well. We’re in a small town in California.” I glossed over the fact that our car had broken down, amongst other things — like I said, no need to worry him.
“Sounds fun! Glad you’re having a good time. If there’s nothing urgent, dear, I do have to get back to work. We’ve got a big project coming up, and I don’t want to fall behind.”
I nodded as though he could see me, then, realizing my error, said into the phone, “Right, yeah, of course.”
“Is everything all right?” he asked, sounding worried. “You haven’t called much this trip. At all, really.”
“Daaaad.”
“What, I’m not trying to guilt you, I’m just a nervous old man who wants his little girl to get home safe.”
That made me choke up, but I swallowed the truth. After all, I couldn’t leave here any faster. The soonest he or my mom could get to Rough and Ready would probably be tomorrow, with flights and renting a car and such. Though I suddenly and desperately wanted my parents to come take me far away, I knew that it was out of the question. I had to grow up, and deal with this myself.
“I’m fine, Dad. I’ll be back in home before you know it. First San Diego, then you and Mom, and then school. It’ll be great.”
