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“I never said that you were an idiot. I know that you’re smart,” I said softly.
I wished he was just your token dumb jock. I could get over him then and tell myself that he was all wrong for me. I knew that he was smart, and even compassionate, under all his gruff exterior. I closed my eyes for a moment.
My willpower was fading. I wanted Jackson with everything that I had as I kept pretending to look at the books, finally moving from the room. It was too hot in there and we were too close. It smelled like his masculine scent of forest and peppermint and I couldn’t take it any longer.
I walked blindly to my room, closing the door as I fought the urge to run back to him. I just wanted to kiss him and break the ice between us, but even I knew that it wouldn’t stop there. I knew that we’d take this to the end no matter what the damage.
I slid to the floor and stretched my legs in front of me. This already small apartment felt like a prison some days.
I leaned my head back as a familiar heat washed through me.
I gave in and slid my hand between my legs. I was becoming obsessed. I considered just sleeping with someone else for a fleeting moment, but then I smiled bitterly. I only wanted Jackson, and I knew that. I wasn’t the kind of girl to use a guy to get over another one. I slid my hand into my pants and underwear, stroking myself hard as I searched for the release that I needed. I was pulsing and wet the way he always made me, and I found my needy clit. When would this be enough? When would I be over the way that Jackson made me feel? I stroked and made myself wetter before sliding my fingers inside myself, pressing my palm against my pussy.
I thought of him kissing me, nibbling my neck, tugging gently at my earlobe. His strong hands on my waist, gliding along my hips, squeezing my ass. Jackson pressing against me and feeling his hardness push against me. His hand slipping under my clothes and his fingers lightly tracing a pattern on my skin. I imagined him gliding his hand down my panties to find me wet and ready. His kisses going down from my collarbone to my breast, to my hips to my aching pussy.
I whispered Jackson’s name as I came, rocking myself into my hand. I wanted the idea of him to be enough and not need to get myself off like this. I didn’t want to feel this needy and lonely at the same time.
Nobody would understand this. My family would be against it and Greg would be angry with both of us.
I stayed in my room until I heard the front door close, standing to retrieve the water that I was so desperate for. I changed before going out to the living room, not knowing how long Jackson would be gone. I sat on the couch and turned on the TV, staring blankly at a movie, and remembered waking up the other morning with a blanket covering me. It was sweet. I knew it was Jackson, making me care for him even more.
I called Willow to distract myself, getting lost in stories of her own life as I laughed with her. She asked me how everything was, and I explained that it was fine. I was just getting used to my job and starting school in a few days and we discussed that for a while. I longed for her to be able to come and talk to me in person.
Bella was great, but I’d known Willow for years.
“Em, are you okay?”
I paused for a moment. “I’m fine.”
She knew me too well, but I wasn’t ready to talk about this yet. It was still too painful.
“I’m just tired,” I said, bailing out of a serious conversation. “I’m going to go to bed soon and get some sleep. We’re leaving tomorrow morning for the away game.”
“Have fun,” Willow said as I thanked her and ended the call. I dropped back against the couch, wondering where Jackson was. If I was that aroused after that time in his room, I wondered how he felt. Would he sleep with someone else to get me out of his system? He had every right to since I wasn’t going to be enough for him even if we did end up hooking up.
I finally took a shower and dried my hair before going to bed for the night, tossing and turning. I had a small bag packed for the night that we were going to be gone, and was ready in theory. I was looking forward to seeing the crowd at another stadium and just hanging with the group, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get Jackson out of my mind even a little bit.
