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I wrapped my arms around my body to hide my nakedness even though he’d already seen me. I backed farther into the chair and breathed deeply, trying to catch my breath and stop my frantically beating heart. No matter what I did, I couldn’t calm down. My family’s dead faces kept flashing before my eyes.
“I can’t lose him…I can’t.” I burst into sobs, heavy sobs that made me shake.
“Lovely, whom? Can’t lose whom?” He inched closer to me until his hand moved to my shoulder.
“Joey…he’s all I have left.” I covered my face with my palms and wept, my body shaking from the exertion. I didn’t cry in front of people. I didn’t cry at all. It didn’t solve anything. It didn’t make my problems go away. But I was out of my mind and still partially asleep.
Crewe wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest, his strong arms acting as steel gates. His fingers moved into my hair, and he stroked me. “Shh…just a dream. Everything is alright.”
I forced myself to stop crying, to stop feeling the violent emotions raging in my chest. With every single breath, I slowly calmed down until I was back to normal. The tears absorbed back into my skin, and I listened to Crewe’s heartbeat for comfort.
It was just a nightmare.
A dream.
It’ll be alright.
I had to talk myself through this hardship, but I was used to Joey being the one to console me. Even when I had a bad day in class, I called him and told him all about it. He wasn’t just my brother. He was my whole family wrapped up into a single person. Without him, I was all alone. “I’m sorry…” I pulled away from Crewe, knowing I irritated him with my episode. He’d been woken up in the middle of the night with my tantrum, something he couldn’t care less about. “Sometimes I have really vivid dreams if I drink too much…” I didn’t want to see the anger in his eyes, so I didn’t look at him.
He grabbed me by the elbow and guided me back into his chest. “It’s alright, Lovely. I have nightmares too.”
“You do?” Once my face was pressed against his chest again, I felt better. His heartbeat consoled me in a way I could never explain.
“All the time.” He guided me back to the bed and pulled the covers back so he could tuck me in. “You aren’t alone.”
My head hit the pillow, and he pulled the covers over me, tucking me in like a child.
He got into bed beside me, and instead of sticking to his side, he wrapped his arm around me and spooned me from behind. “You want to talk about it?”
My arm rested over his, gripping it like a lifeline. I could feel his pulse through his skin, the blood pounding away and giving him life. He was my captor, but he’d never made me feel more safe. It didn’t make any sense. “No…”
He kissed the back of my neck before he rested his face against my hair. “I’m here if you change your mind.”
I closed my eyes and felt sleep begin to take its toll. “I know.”
I slept in late because of my rocky night.
Crewe was gone, probably already showered and ready for the day. He was usually awake as soon as the sun was up. He seemed to hit his private gym then got ready for the day. I knew he exercised because he wouldn’t look like that unless he were committed.
I was relieved he was gone so I wouldn’t have to face the humiliation right away. I had bad dreams from time to time, but nothing as intense as that. It felt like I was actually there, seeing the blood drip down their faces and seep into the clothes.
It was a dream I wanted to forget.
But the more terrifying the dream, the more difficult it was to block it out.
I wished I could call Joseph. He was the one person in the world I could talk to about this.
After I showered and got dressed, Crewe walked inside. He already in his suit and tie, jumping into the workday. Instead of giving me his typical look of indifference, he stared at me like I was damaged goods.
Which I hated. “What are you up to today?” I didn’t give him the chance to ask how I was feeling. I didn’t want his concern, not after I’d embarrassed myself. When he held me, I should have pushed him away.
But I needed him too much.
“I’m heading down to the headquarters to meet with Crow and Cane. Just forgot my watch.” He grabbed it off the dresser and fastened it around his wrist.
I was disappointed he was leaving. I would be stuck in this house with all of his men. As long as I didn’t leave the room, they shouldn’t bother me. I could wait to eat until he returned. “See you later.” I didn’t beg him to take me like I did yesterday. After the pathetic way I cried in his chest last night, I wasn’t going to show an ounce of weakness again. It didn’t look good on me.
