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Mum will be home from the doctor soon, it’s just a follow up, so she demanded that she go alone. With nothing to do but sit around and feel sorry for myself, I make a quick dinner and try to thumb through the university’s student conduct code, but I can’t concentrate. Overwhelming sorrow washes over me, draining my mind of hope and my body of its spirit. I thought moving to Hackney was hard and lonely, but it was a walk in the park compared to this. I’d suffer a thousand times the sadness I felt when we left Shepherd’s Bush for the East End if it meant never suffering through this kind of pain again.
I have never been more alone in my life.
The next day is long and grueling. Two appointments with Mum and a trip to the school to drop off my paperwork. I’m dead on my feet by dinnertime. I order a takeaway because I’m too knackered to cook. We eat our food silently in front of the telly. Well, I eat, Mum picks at hers, unable to eat much of anything.
After an hour-long bout of nausea, Mum is finally tucked into bed. I let her know I’m going to pop over to Tesco’s to get some shopping. I pull on my shoes and grab some money from the jar near the sink, stuffing it in my pocket.
Just as I grab the doorknob, the shrill sound of the phone echoes through the tiny flat. My stomach lurches at the realization that I can’t put this off any longer. Adam deserves to move on with his life. I won’t be the one to keep him from reaching his dream. I can’t let him come back here to his pitiful flat and his dreadful family, not for me.
I already know what I have to say, what I have to do to prevent him from jumping on a plane and coming here. The thought of it causes bile to rise in my throat. If he knew about my dad, that it’s just me and Mum now, he’d be back here even if I demanded that he stay away. And I do want him here with me, so badly that fighting my feelings is like struggling to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders.
The phone rings again. I take a deep breath and pick up the receiver. “Hello,” I say as calmly as I can manage.
“Shit! Ellie? Where have you been, Sweetheart? I’ve been going mental trying to reach you!”
My heart breaks when he uses my pet name. I love him so much that I feel physically ill. My body starts to tremble all over. I have to sit down or else I’ll collapse to the ground sobbing.
“Adam. I’ve been busy. Sorry I haven’t been sitting by the phone pining for you,” I snap, trying to put as much venom into my words as I can.
I hear him choke out a gasp. “What’s wrong with you, El? Are you alright? You missed your flight.”
“I’m fine,” I answer. My eyes fill with tears that silently pour down my cheeks.
“Don’t be like that. I’m dying here, Sweetheart. I miss you so much. What happened? Why’d you miss your flight?” he asks, his voice so sincere, so loving, that I nearly cave and tell him everything.
“I’m not coming, Adam. I’ve changed my mind.” I have to cover the phone to hide a whimper.
“What?” Adam’s voice cracks and I can hear him muffle a sob. “You can’t mean that. What about school? About us? I love you, you have to come, for us.”
“There isn’t an us anymore, Adam,” I spit out. “We weren’t in love, it was just a silly school age fling.” I nearly vomit as I tell the man that I love the worst lie that’s ever passed my lips.
“I don’t understand, you can’t mean that,” he whispers, broken and confused. “I thought you wanted to be here with me.”
Steeling myself, I prepare to finish this, to destroy the last shreds of our relationship, to free Adam to pursue his dream without my baggage holding him back. He was meant to be something bigger than this town, and I refuse to stop it from happening.
“I do mean it. I enrolled in school here. I…I met someone else, Adam. You need to forget about me. It didn’t mean anything.” I use my sleeve to wipe my tears away, only to have them immediately replaced by more as they endlessly stream from my swollen eyes.
I hear him inhale a shaky breath. “You don’t mean that. I don’t believe it,” he says in a hoarse voice.
“Well, believe it. I’m not coming. Good bye Adam,” I say. My heart is beating so fast that I’m afraid I’m having heart failure.
“Ellie, please…” he pleads with me. My throat constricts and I can hardly swallow the giant lump that’s taken root there.
“I’m sorry Adam, I have to go.” I place the phone down as I hear him call out my name. It disconnects, ending the conversation and taking my heart with it.
After everything Adam’s been through with his parents and his brother, being hurt by the family that’s supposed to love him, I’m no better than any of them. I’m just like his dad who beat him, his mum who neglected him, and his brother who used him and almost got him killed. I’m supposed to love him and be there for him no matter what and I discarded him in a cold and heartless way just like them.
He saved me in that abandoned lot over six months ago, so the least I can do is repay him by saving him from throwing away his life to stay here with me. He can’t come back here to that horrible flat and those horrible people. Adam needs to be freed from this place, and I’m grateful to be able to do it, even if it hurts us both.
I’ll do it for him, because I love him more than anything. I always will.
chapter 19
Adam
“Hey, stop lying around like a useless pair of tits and start getting ready, yeah?” A big foot nudges my leg and Dax’s loud voice blasts in my ear.
Groaning, I pull a sofa cushion over my aching head. “Shut it, Davies! You don’t have to bloody shout, I’m right here,” I whine, my skull feeling as if it’s about to split in two.
