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“You.”
I huffed, despising her cryptic bullshit. “Me what? Fuck, just spit it out.”
“You fell in love.” Mandy looked at me, astonished. “You actually fell in love.”
My body temperature plummeted to absolute zero. It was as if someone injected a syringe of glacial runoff directly into my carotid. I clenched my teeth to hold back a shiver. “No. No I didn’t.” The protest sounded pathetic, even to my own ears.
“You did,” Amanda repeated. Her voice got louder and her confidence grew. She gave me a wicked smile, and chill bumps pricked their way down my arms. I could almost feel the weight of the guillotine that hung over my head. See the gleaming edge of the razor-sharp blade. “You fell in love with someone and… Oh my god! She doesn't love you back.” Amanda pointed at me and I squirmed. I fucking squirmed! “That's why you feel so bad about how you treated me. You finally know what it feels like.”
I waved her off and chuckled weakly. “You don't know what you're talking about. I'm not in love.”
Amanda damn near cackled with glee. “Stubborn as always. It's not your fault, Seb. You wouldn't know love if it ran you over, broke every bone in your body, and parked on your chest.”
I scowled, crossed my arms, and stuck my chin out. “I would too.”
Amanda only laughed harder. “See? Stubborn, just like a man.”
I continue to frown, but I couldn't shake the idea she planted it in my head.
What did love feel like? Was I in love with Kylie?
“You're right,” I admitted and sagged into the chair. “I don't know what love feels like. I didn’t exactly grow up in the most loving environment, so my role models are slim pickings.” I shrugged. “I mean, I love my brother, but I'm guessing that isn't the same thing.”
Amanda looked at me. Like really looked at me. And not with pity. It was more like sympathy, maybe? Or maybe I was full of shit and she was actually comparing me to an emotionally stunted goat.
“No, Seb. It's not the same thing. Loving a family member is one thing, loving another human being with your whole heart and soul, essentially finding your other half, is much bigger. I can't really explain it,” she said. “I do know that if all you think about, day and night, is that person, and when you're not with them there's this…” Amanda put a hand to her chest. “This huge hole, like an ache, and the only time it goes away when you're with them.”
Jesus. That sounded exactly like how I felt. I swallowed and glanced away. It was better to stare at the fancy artwork than let Amanda and her super-human perception dig any further into my psyche. When a few moments passed in silence, I sacked up and bit the bullet. What the fuck did I have to lose anyway? Kylie didn’t want me and I nuked any relationship I had wit
h Amanda. Nothing I said could possibly make it any worse.
“Maybe,” I licked my lips and ignored the way my fingers trembled. “Maybe I am in love.”
“Maybe you are. You're the only one who knows for sure.”
The conversation was getting way too deep for a knucklehead hockey player with a chip on his shoulder the size of Newfoundland. I rubbed my hands together and tried to wrap things up before I suffocated.
“Anyway, I uh, didn't come here to talk about love or to rub anything in your face. I just, um, wanted to apologize. Apparently, I have a fuck ton of unresolved shit going on.” I twirled a finger next to my ear. “Remember the time we first met?” I blurted it out before I could stop. Instead of making an excuse to leave, for whatever reason, I smiled and kept going. “You were so energetic.”
Amanda giggled, the sound so sweet I could've kissed her for yanking the shroud off of the somber mood. “That's a nice way of putting it.”
I grinned widely. “You were. You still are.” My smile faded. “We were friends once. I know I’m not the man you want me to be, and I won’t be able to return your feelings, but I shouldn’t have been such an asshole.” Tears shimmered in Amanda's eyes. “I’d like it if we could be friends again. If maybe you could find a way to forgive me, not that I'd blame you if you hated me.”
Amanda stood and circled around her desk, arms spread. I rose to meet her just as she closed her arms around me. I returned the embrace and we stood there for a moment, two people who both needed someone to hold. Eventually, Amanda sniffed and pulled away.
“Sorry.” She snagged a tissue from a nearby box and dabbed beneath her petite nose. “I don’t want to drip snot on you.”
I gave her a playful shove. “After everything we've been through I think I'd be okay if you used me as a human Kleenex. It’s the least I could do.”
Amanda rolled her eyes and wrinkled her nose. “That's disgusting.”
I winked. “Yes, yes it is.” Amanda laughed, then gave me a shy grin. “So, friends?”
“Yeah, that would be great.”
“What are you talking about, Rém?”
I tilted my head and used my shoulder to hold the phone to my ear while I fetched a snack from the fridge. I would kill for a protein shake, but I never got around to replacing my blender after it went FUBAR. Mostly out of fear that the new one would become self-aware and attack me in my sleep or something.
