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“You know I didn’t mean it. It was my defence mechanism, remember?”
“It still hurt.”
“Green...”
I lift a shoulder. “I won’t lie to you, Xan. I won’t say it’s all fine now. Bottling emotions is what led me to where I am today, so I’m trying not to let the pain settle on the inside.”
“I’m cool with that.” He clutches my hand that’s resting on his chest. “I’ll cooperate. Hit me with your pain.”
“I just did. I’m not as cruel as you.”
“Ouch. I deserve that.”
“Let’s agree you deserve more, but I’ll never hurt you, Xan.”
“You did.” He sighs, the sound loud and deep. “You just didn’t know it. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life was to pretend I hated you when I never did.”
“Never?”
“Not at all. Not even close,” he repeats my words from earlier, but his tone is dead serious. “I’ll do my best to make it up to you in any way I can.”
“How about you tell me why you were a virgin.”
He releases another breath, this one resigned. “You never give up, do you?”
“Nope.” When he doesn’t budge, I poke him. “The other time, Ronan was bragging about how he was the first to lose his virginity and Aiden was last. I thought you were somewhere in between.” And I might’ve felt sick to my stomach at the time.
“You think I would tell Ronan I was a virgin? He’d shun me then drug me and bring me a hooker.”
Yup. That’s so Ronan. “If you had those risks, why didn’t you just go with the flow?”
“I told you, I’ve always wanted you.”
“But you could’ve still had sex.” Even as I say the words, I can’t help the bitter taste exploding at the back of my throat.
All the times I’ve seen him with other girls trickle in. Those pulses of pain and the tightening of my chest nearly return as well.
I hated it when he was with others.
And I hated myself for it, too.
He lifts a shoulder. “I never wanted anyone but you.”
My lips part. “Then why did you parade Veronica and Summer and everyone else around? You went to rooms with them.”
“But I did nothing with them except having them watch porn with me. If they were two girls, I watched them go down on each other. They didn’t say a word about it, because they cared more about the fantasy and being with me. They cared about the image, not me.”
“So you did it for the image, too?”
“No. I did it to push you so you’d never want me like I fucking wanted you.” A faint smile breaks on his lips. “I was that sick.”
“No, not sick, flawed.”
“Flawed, huh?”
“Yeah, so flawed it’s a bit sick.”
“Just a bit?”
