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Perhaps it’s because I’ve always craved attention she’s never given, love she’ll never grant, and care she’s not capable of.
Still, I find myself begging her with my eyes.
Look at me, Mum.
Help me.
Be my mum.
She turns around and leaves without as much as a glance. On her way out, she mutters to herself, “What have I done to deserve this?”
A strong wave of nausea hits me and I open the lid, clutching the sides with both hands, and heave until nothing comes out. I’m dizzy, and I feel as if I’ve been vomiting my soul aside from my gut.
The fog invades the bathroom like a being. It has a large body, all filled with black smoke while its invisible hands wrap around my throat.
Fix it, Kimberly.
Be worthy of being my daughter for once in your useless life
Look at her. She’s a mess.
Mum’s words tighten the imaginary noose around my neck, or is it imaginary? Maybe those are the words I’ve always needed to hear. Those are everything I am.
A loser, rubbish. No one wants you.
You’re nothing. How about you become nothing?
Those voices heighten and tighten around my chest like thorns, prickling away at my heart.
Disappear from my fucking life.
Xander’s words are like that last stab. It’s not even the strongest one, but it’s the most fatal.
Since we were children, he’s been my sanctuary against Mum. Not only did he take that away, but he also took his position as my support, my safe haven.
Then he pretended I didn't exist.
He’s even worse than her. At least she never pretended to care about me.
He showed me the world, then pushed me off the edge.
He painted the stars into the dark sky, then pulled them down in one go.
When we were young and I told him I loved stars, he got me one, a special star. It’s from
an actual star, he said. He stole it from his dad and I should keep it a secret.
I dig into my pocket and bring out the bracelet with the ugly black motif in the middle.
He said it’s ugly on the outside, but only because it travelled planets to be with me, just like he always will.
Liar.
I retrieve my phone and type the text I always wanted to send him but never had the courage to.
Could be the alcohol or the pills or both.
Kimberly: I wish you were never my friend. I wish you had never told me you’d be there for me. I wish you didn’t know so much about me and still chose not to be with me. I wish there was never me or you or us.
