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But soon after, the man appears.
Sebastian.
He carries me to his car, cleans me, and drives me home. He sometimes even buys me ointments from the pharmacy. But he never once looks at me with pity or guilt.
I don’t think he’s capable of those emotions and I’m thankful that I don’t have to deal with that side of it all.
In that moment, after the beast in him and the fantasies in me are satiated, I swear there’s some sort of a glow that surrounds us.
A high.
A warped sense of satisfaction.
We get to pretend whatever depravities that happened between us didn’t actually happen. We get to pick back up as normal, functioning college kids.
But maybe I do need help, as Akira so bluntly put it.
Ever since I received his letter a week ago, I’ve been fuming. Not only because of his hurtful honesty and all the things he’s bottled up for years but also because he waited all this time to say anything.
I’ve always wanted someone I could bare my soul to. Someone I could tell anything without them judging me. Lucy can’t be that person, because deep down, she’s pure. Normal. She wouldn’t understand.
Besides, I see her every day and that could turn too awkward too quickly if we talk face-to-face.
Akira was the one person I could slowly open up to and even talk to about porn and stuff. He didn’t see me and couldn’t judge me.
Or so I thought.
Obviously, he could judge me well enough through a letter and be a major asshole, unlike what he said he wasn’t in the first letter I got from him.
But for some reason, it didn’t make me only mad, I was also…relieved. For a while now, it really felt as if I was the only one who was talking in our interactions. They felt stilled, almost…as if I was trying so hard to keep it alive.
Maybe that’s why I pulled that move and told him about my screwed-up fantasy. I wanted to provoke a reaction out of him.
Well, I got it.
A very rude one at that. But it still counts.
I want to tell him to go fuck himself for kink-shaming others, but I haven’t cooled down enough to articulate it in words.
Lucy and I head into class after lunch as she gushes about a party Owen is having soon and tries to convince me to go. If Sebastian will be there, maybe I will.
I don’t know if it’s only because of him, but I don’t feel so asocial lately. Even if I do still need my small bubble.
The football team is having a meeting with their coach now, and that sucks because I didn’t get a chance to see Sebastian today.
That could be part of my sour mood.
We usually sit together, whether with the football team and the cheer squad or alone—or more like, he sits me on his lap, oblivious to everyone whispering and throwing jabs at us. And I love that about him, the fact that he lets no one penetrate his armor.
Having meals and talking about politics, law, manga, and anime has become normal. Our time together is something I look forward to every day.
Sometimes, he suddenly appears in my house whenever Mom isn’t there and either ravishes me or just sits down and watches serial killers with me.
He says it’s entertaining, watching me engrossed in those shows.
Lucy changes the subject to a Spanish series she’s bingeing on Netflix, but she lacks her usual energy. If I wasn’t paranoid about the whole thing with Akira, I’d be sure she’s also drifting away.
When we’re just outside of our next class, Josh, a guy on the football team, slides in front of us, blocking our pat
