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Sometimes, when they hit or throw insults at me, somewhere in my brain, I feel like I deserve it. I’m the one who smiled and laughed and danced with the monster who ended the lives of their daughters, wives, and mothers.
I’m the one who didn’t see the devil, even though he was right in front of me.
If I’d searched before, looked before, maybe I would’ve noticed it. Maybe I could’ve stopped him.
But it’s useless now. It’s already done, so all I can do is apologise.
When I reach the empty grave, I kick dirt in it. My stomps are fuelled with the rage and the injustice I’ve been living through. The lie. The smoke and mirrors.
“I hate you, Dad!” Stomp. Kick. “I hate you so much! I wish you’d killed me first. I wish you’d never let me see you like that. I wish I was never your daughter.”
My throat burns with the force of my words, but the tears won’t stop soaking my cheeks and slipping into my mouth, making me taste salt.
I throw my head back and stare into the night, just like I did that day I begged for all of this to be a lie. A shooting star crosses the moonless sky, and instead of finding the beauty in it, a wave of grief hits me again. My sister loved shooting stars, but now, she’s no longer here to enjoy them. Alicia used to tell me to make a wish whenever we saw one, but I said those don’t come true, because Dad never let me believe in illusions. He never let me believe in Father Christmas or in the bogeyman or in the Tooth Fairy.
He forced me to live in reality and told me that actual monsters are scarier.
However, he made me believe in him — my superhero without a cape. Then he pulled the carpet from underneath my feet and left me as this shell of a person with nothing behind or in front of me.
I don’t know what to believe in anymore. My own sense of self is starting to fade and I don’t even have Alicia to talk to.
There’s Jonathan and Aiden…
I shake my head frantically at the thought. I won’t bring my baggage into my nephew’s life. And Jonathan is scary — he’d probably be the one who’d chase me off.
As my tantrum against Dad withers away, only a bitter taste remains — the fact that I’m truly on my own in the world now.
The sound of the crunching of leaves echoes behind me. At first, I think it’s one of the night animals who roam around here, but then I hear it again.
In the days when I used to hunt with Dad, he taught me how to recognise the noises animals make. We were marvellous stalkers and could find prey in no time.
Now that I know why he was that way, I want to bleach those memories out of my head.
There’s something uneven about the sound coming from the bushes. It’s a bit like…hesitation.
Sure, it could be an animal, but an animal’s frantic movements would follow a pattern. If it were scared, it would’ve run by now. This one isn’t running. It’s more like he’s…stalking. Similar to when Dad and I used to do it in the past. If anything, he’s getting closer.
A shadow passes between the trees at lightning speed. I step back, my old sneakers crunching against the pebbles.
It can’t be the police since they would’ve already caught me for trespassing on a crime scene. Or worse, sent me back to the Witness Protection Program, where I heard the officers discussing me in an unfavourable way.
I don’t trust them.
I trust no one. Just like Dad always insisted I shouldn’t. It’s ironic that I’ve come back to his words now.
This leaves only a couple of other possibilities. The most probable one is that it could be a victim’s family member. Or maybe one of the many people who sympathised with the victims and made the trial period a nightmare.
I inhale deeply and slowly, letting my ears capture their movements. They’re behind the tree. But the thing is, my ears aren’t reliable with the amount of ringing in them.
Wait. Could I be imagining the noises?
For months, I don’t remember sleeping a full night. One, I’ve been scared they’ll attack me in my sleep. Two, whenever I close my lids, all I can see are the victims’ faces, duct tape, vacant eyes, and blood.
So much blood.
Sleep deprivation toys with the brain. Sometimes, I worry that either Dad or the families will come after me.
Tonight, it could be the latter.
