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Since we returned from Aiden’s house a week ago, I can’t stop watching her. Not that I’ve ever been able to. But now is different. The fact that she could — and would — slip into a black hole is a possibility that could become a reality.
I could blame the way she mixed up facts on lack of sleep or the attack back in Leeds. After all, she was under a lot of stress during that couple of days. What’s concerning me, however, is how she hysterically insisted that everything did happen.
That’s how Alicia’s decimation started. She said someone was following her, then that ‘ghost’ — as she called him — sent her voice messages and whispered things to her. However, whenever I asked her to show me, she couldn’t find them.
The doctor said it was hallucinations due to stress. She became neurotic, and gradually, her mental health deteriorated. She hid her pills and it only made her state worse.
Unlike Aurora, Alicia didn’t insist she wasn’t crazy. She didn’t scream at me or hit me or anything like that. She just…pulled back. With time, she stopped talking altogether and dived into her internal world, where she never really allowed anyone in — except for maybe Aiden sometimes.
My son thinks I could’ve provided for her emotionally, but he doesn’t know that she never allowed me to get close. Just because she let him in didn’t mean she let me. He thinks she cried because of my neglect, but she cried whenever I tried to talk to her. She cried when I asked her to take her pills. She cried when she returned from Leeds and wrote in her scattered journals that she missed Clarissa already. That she wanted to kidnap her baby sister and take her and Aiden to a place no one could find them.
She said the three of them would be happy without the ‘ghost’.
Then she burnt those journals for no apparent reason, as if she didn’t want anyone to read them.
She became paranoid to the point that she sometimes refused to eat for whole days because the ‘ghost’ could’ve put something in her food.
Not once in our married life did Alicia come to me, or even attempt to talk to me. Forget the physical aspect. Due to her mental state and the meds, she became asexual, and withdrew from me. She told me to have mistresses, but I never did, because that meant disrespecting the mother of my son.
The only women I touched were long after her death.
The sole presence Alicia leant on was Aiden. He was her anchor, in a way, and when he disappeared because of Abigail, her state of mind spiralled out of control and then…she died.
That simple.
Could I have done better? Probably. But there was a wall between me and Alicia; sometimes I thought she wasn’t the same woman I first saw in the cemetery, and others, she appeared just like her, broken and lost.
I have a lot of regrets when it comes to Alicia, and there’s no way in fuck I’ll repeat them with Aurora. It doesn’t matter that she’s showing the signs.
This time, I won’t leave, even if she pushes me.
“So?” Levi leans forwards as if he’s about to jump across the table.
“Out with it.” Aiden sounds more impatient than excited. “And before you say anything, remember, you spent the night at my house.”
“Hey!” Levi snaps his fingers at him. “Not fair. She could’ve spent the night at mine.”
My son glares down his nose at him. “Who said anything about fair? I’m going to crush you, Lev.”
“Cut down on your delusional pills, little Cousin.”
After eating from both plates, Aurora wipes her lips with her napkin. “I’ll go with nil.”
“You can’t go with nil,” Levi protests.
“Yeah, pick one.” Aiden motions at the one on the right — his. “That one.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t choose.” She smiles in a soft, bright way. “Both are one of the best steaks I’ve had.”
Levi puffs out his chest, but soon after, his along with everyone else’s attention turns to me. Five pair of eyes watch me as I savour the meat. They’re well-cooked, to the level of what I prefer, so that’s one point for both.
“Any day now, Jonathan.” Aiden taps his fingers on the table’s surface, letting his impatience show.
He takes after me in that department — I was never one for patience. Aiden’s problem is that he can be volatile. Not as much as Levi, but it’s there. He’ll learn to school his reaction better as he grows up.
“Yeah, Uncle. Suspense doesn’t suit you.” Levi’s sense of sarcasm is too similar to James’s. Sometimes, it feels as if my brother is sitting beside me, not his son.
“Neither,” I say.
