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For a moment, I could hardly breathe, and then my mouth split open in a huge grin. That Gretchen had been willing to give Alexandra’s book a glance was favor enough; that she thought it was worth publishing came straight from my daydreams.
“Thank you so much. That’s wonderful. And I think it’s going to do really well. The website’s been really successful—oh, and I was talking to a college friend interning over at Tenth Review and she thinks she can get a spotlight done on it.” I snapped my lips shut, aware I was babbling, but I couldn’t wipe the happiness from my face.
“You’ve certainly done your homework.” She considered me long enough that my nerves started to corrupt my joy. “Well. There’s a position opening up in the publicity department for a digital marketing assistant. I’d be happy to have a word with Howard, the creative director, if you’re interested.”
My throat dried up. This had to be a dream. “Really?” I tried not to squeak, and then I concentrated on sounding a little more collected. “I would really appreciate that.”
She let out another full smile. “Yes, I thought you would. We’ll be sad to lose you, but you’re a good worker, and you deserve a job.”
“I’ll still be working with Alexa, though, won’t I? My author?”
“I imagine it will depend on your workload, but I don’t see that it would be a problem.”
In fact, even if Penelope Books didn’t want my editorial input, I might see if Alexa wanted to work with me directly. If she was interested in collaborating on a companion website, I definitely was.
I grinned bright and dumbfounded as Gretchen nodded briskly. “Good. I’ll talk to Howard, and then I imagine you’ll meet with him the next time you come in. Monday?”
I nodded.
“Good. We’ll make it official then.”
As I stepped out into the cold December wind, joy warmed me, excitement bubbling up and spreading from my fingers to my wide-spread grin. I wanted to hum, to dance down the streets, to laugh out loud, to tell the world...
I wanted to tell Ryan.
The grin slowly collapsed, and I pulled my coat tighter.
I couldn’t. We hadn’t spoken since the reunion. Every time I’d tried to pick up the phone, my courage had depleted. Every time I thought about the insults hurled, my stomach curled in on itself.
I lifted my face into the bracing, stinging air. Maybe it was better this way. We hadn’t worked out. We’d been too alike; too stubborn, too passionate, too immature. But wasn’t that what relationships, what life, was about—figuring out who you were, what you wanted? Trying things and then when they failed, learning from your mistakes? That’s what this had been—a learning relationship. Ryan had been right in the end—I did need to grow up. I had judged him off the bat and it had affected our relationship for the worse until we were nothing.
That was what I should be taking away. I should try to be more open and give people the benefit of the doubt. Next time I wouldn’t go in with so many defenses and so much scorn. We would start from a better place.
Except I didn’t want there to be a next time. I still wanted this time.
My phone rang before I reached the subway, and my stomach tightened at Mike’s name. I’d see
n him and Abe and the other usual suspects once since I’d come back, with a glaring hole in the group. The guys hadn’t seemed to notice; they accepted Ryan’s excuses that he was busy, and when they needled me about him they didn’t seem to expect a response. I didn’t know why Ryan hadn’t told them we were over, but I couldn’t make myself because then I might lose these friends, too. Still, every time I saw them the knife twisted even deeper.
“What’s up?”
Mike sounded panicked. “You’re still in the city, right? You haven’t gone home from work? You’ve got to get over here. Bri’s freaking out.”
I frowned. “What? What are you talking about? Come where?”
“Oh, right. Sorry. We’re at Per Se.”
“The Thomas Keller restaurant?” I swallowed. Per Se was generally considered to be one of the best restaurants in New York; some lists put it at one of the top in the world. I wouldn’t know, of course; I tended not to spend three-hundred-plus dollars on a meal.
“What happened?”
Malcolm had spilled the beans to the guys; he’d planned to propose to Briana at Per Se tonight. Several of the guys, thinking themselves sneaky, snuck into the restaurant. I wasn’t sure how one snuck into Per Se. I supposed it had to do with that special NFL treatment again. They planned to wait until after the proposal, and then to pop out with a bottle of champagne and a cheer before vanishing again.
Only now, for some reason, Briana had locked herself in the ladies’ room and Malcolm had stormed out, leaving the guys unsure of what to do.
It didn’t take me long to get there. When I did, a knot of Leopards greeted me. “At least try to get her out of there,” Mike begged. “We can’t just leave her locked in the bathroom, but we have no idea when Malcolm will be back.”
I nodded, automatically searching for Ryan. I hadn’t seen him for two weeks, and I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to see him now. Just the thought made my stomach tense and my lungs constrict and—there was Abe, shaking his head. “He went after Malcolm.”
