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“Make you come, of course.”
“But how? If you can’t touch me? I’m not ready.”
“Because the only way you won’t be truly terrified of life anymore is to experience some pleasure.”
“Giving me my freedom would make me happy.”
“No, it wouldn’t. Stop lying to yourself.”
I glare. “How would coming make me happy?”
He freezes. “You don’t remember, do you? I know your last few memories hav
e destroyed you, but you don’t remember before?”
I suck in a breath giving him a silent answer.
“Don’t you remember when you’d lie in your bed at night with a boy you thought you could love in your head? One who would smile at you in the hallways at school, hold your hand innocently. One whose crotch you’d stare at enough times to get the general sense of how big he was beneath his jeans. With that image in your head, you’d let your hand trace circles all over your body, priming yourself for what comes next. You’d let your breathing get heavy, and your head floats away in the clouds, imagining that one special boy was the one gently and carefully removing the clothes from your body like he was unwrapping the most precious gift.
“Then as your hand slipped between your panties, you’d pretend it was him. His fingers finding your clit and knowing how to rub to make your juices spill from between your lips. Maybe you’d imagine he’d go down on you, putting his head between your legs, his tongue taking the place of his fingers. You’d writhe beneath your fingers as you circled that beautiful pink clit of yours faster and faster. Building yourself up to images of him. You’d take your time because you wanted to drag out the feeling. You wanted the dream to be real, and yet you didn’t because you were afraid reality with a boy wouldn’t be as good as you could experience on your own. You’d be right; boys your age wouldn’t be able to find your clit, let alone know what to do with it. And then you’d come. That tiny explosion would start at your core and then grow as it trickled outward to the tips of your fingertips and toes. Don’t you remember, Kai?”
My breath is caught in my throat. “No, I don’t remember.” I want to, desperately. I want to own my body again. I want to be able to touch or have control over my emotions and feelings. But I can’t.
His face drops. “Then let me help you.”
Enzo rounds the bed; my eyes follow him as he climbs up on the bed next to me and lies down. I stare at his naked body with muscles so defined he looks like he competes in wrestling matches. His body isn’t flawless. It’s marked with scars, but no tattoos that I can see. I don’t let my eyes drift down to his cock. I keep my eyes up, like if I don’t stare at his cock, I’ll be saved. From what I don’t know.
Maybe if I had met Enzo earlier, I would have dreamed about him in high school. He would have been the dangerous boy that everyone knew they should stay far away from, but secretly pined for at the same time. He would have been every girl’s crush and every boy’s nightmare.
Enzo’s eyes aren’t as forgiving as mine. He doesn’t shy away from staring at my body. And the way he slowly licks his lips lets me know he likes what he sees.
“Moisten your lips, beautiful.”
Beautiful. I focus on the word. Hold onto it. I haven’t heard a compliment like that in forever. But I’m not beautiful. The healing has made me more human but not attractive.
He scowls. “If this is going to work you have to trust me. You promised you would. You have to believe every word I say is true. I won’t lie to you. Not now. You’re beautiful, Kai.”
I moisten my lips, but I’m not sure I believe him.
“Good. Part your lips, run your tongue over your bottom lip slowly. Take your time.”
I hang onto his words, my body responding before I have time to process them. I let my tongue explore my own mouth, running my tongue over my bottom lip slowly, like it’s the most delicious popsicle I want to taste.
“Good girl. You’re so fucking sexy when you do that. I remember how you taste. I’ve never forgotten.”
I raise an eyebrow. Not possible.
“I haven’t. You tasted like the sea. Like salt and cool, refreshing water. You were the most invigorating woman I’ve ever kissed. So eager and yet so in control of your own body.”
Control, I want that back.
“Now, take a deep breath and exhale slowly with me.” He sucks in a breath, and I do the same. We hold our breath for what seems like forever before he steadily lets us exhale. In and out we repeat, until I’m breathing slowly on my own.
“You are so beautiful, so fucking strong and in control.”
Beautiful and in control, I repeat his words in my head.
“Now let your hand fall against your body wherever it wants. Don’t force it anywhere.”
