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I can save Enzo.
Langston—I have to let go of the pain I feel at his loss.
I write his name down at the top of the stationary with the hearts. And the rest just floods out of me…
“You don’t have to hold my hair back every time I puke,” I say.
He grins. “Yes, I do.”
“No, you really don’t. I’m disgusting and gross.”
“Yes, you are.”
I moan and then puke some more. “You are supposed to make me feel better, not agree with me.” My head hangs over the toilet as Langston sits behind me, holding my hair back and rubbing my back.
He laughs. “Just a minute ago you were telling me I shouldn’t even be here, but now you are telling me how to do my job.”
“Yes,” I say with a grin.
“Fine, you are beautiful, not disgusting. Is that better?”
“No,” I smile.
“How about I tell you the truth?”
I roll my eyes. “Fine.”
“The truth is I’m jealous.”
“Jealous? Of my puke-fest?”
“Yes, despite what you think, you have a future. No matter what happens to you and Enzo, you have a part of that love you two have to take with you forever. You have a piece of him no one can take away. And yes, the result right now is puking over the toilet, with a man you don’t care about rubbing your back, instead of doing it with the man you love, but in the end, you get to experience that love in your baby. It’s beautiful. And I’m jealous.”
“You’ll have that someday, when the right woman comes along.”
He exhales, his goofy smile leaving his face. “That’s not my destiny. I’m not a one-woman kind of man. I’m a playboy. I’m a loyal soldier. I don’t want my own empire. I don’t want the fairytale. I want to die fighting for the people I love—and that won’t be a woman who sleeps in my bed.”
“Hey, I sleep in your bed.”
He chuckles. “I meant, I won’t die for a woman I fuck. I’ll die protecting the Black empire. I’ll die protecting Enzo, protecting you, protecting your baby. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I swallow the lump in my throat as I look into his eyes. Langston loves me. Not in the same way Enzo does. But he loves me all the same. He would die for me. He would die for my baby.
I don’t deserve his love. I could argue and say that’s not what I want. That I don’t want him to die like Zeke did. But that would dishonor the love he feels. So I don’t tell him that.
I wrap my arms around him and say, “I love you too, Langston. But Liesel—”
“I can never love someone who can’t love me back. Liesel doesn’t love me.”
I scrunch my face. “Are you sure? Because—”
“I’m sure. You don’t know our history. There is nothing that could make her love me. Or me truly love her. You and Enzo come first.”
I write everything that Langston means to me. How much I love him. How thankful I am for all the times he helped me. All the times he protected me when he shouldn’t have.
I feel the love flowing through me with each precious word.
I love you, Langston.
