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Tonight, I lost another tiny piece of myself. I lost the part that cared about innocent strangers more than I care about myself. I don’t know how I can go back to work after this. I don’t know how I can have any resemblance to my normal life again after this. This changed me as much or more than the rape did. I’ve become a monster the same as Matteo.
Matteo wanted sex tonight, but he respected my space when I made it clear I wanted to sleep. I wanted to fuck him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not when people died tonight because of us. I couldn’t be that cruel to celebrate their deaths, no matter how much I wanted to.
So now I’m in his bed, his arm draped over me, as he snores and I can’t sleep.
The minutes tick by, but all I can think about is the boy he killed. The white leaving his eyes as the blood spilled out. Matteo is more dangerous than I imagined. He walked into a party with over a hundred people and killed four by himself, without backup. He murdered four wealthy, well-known people in this town, and tomorrow the cops won’t come knocking on his door because he paid them off.
I made a deal with the devil, and now I’m as guilty of the crimes he commits. I could have continued to fight. To hold my ground. But I caved because I wanted sex and an easier way. Now I have to live with the consequences.
I carefully slide out from under his arm and sit on the edge of the bed as my stomach grumbles. We left so early I didn’t eat much, and I couldn’t eat when we got back, but now I could use some food. It might help me sleep.
I stand and tiptoe over to Matteo’s closet putting on a pair of his boxers and T-shirt. I have clothes in my closet, but I prefer the smell of his. It comforts me, even though it shouldn’t.
But I guess I’ve gotten comfortable after sleeping with the devil for this long.
I walk over to the small kitchenette in his quarters that usually has at least some basic foods.
I open the fridge and find nothing but beer and moldy cheese. I open the cabinets and find it empty except for a few crackers.
I frown. I need something more substantial than crackers.
I glance over at the door that leads to the rest of the house, as I munch on a couple of the saltines. It’s always locked with a key he puts in a safe, when he sleeps, with a code I don’t know the password to. I’m sure it’s locked, but my grumbling tummy wants food.
I walk over to the door and rest my hand on the doorknob as I glance over at Matteo sleeping. I’m sure he’s going to catch me trying to get out and think I’m trying to escape rather than getting food.
My heart beats fast as I wait to ensure Matteo is still asleep before I try the door. I turn the knob and pull. Surprisingly, the door creaks open. It always makes a high pitched sound when it opens, but this time seems worse than usual.
I stare over at Matteo. He doesn’t move. So I slink out between the crack before letting the door close slowly, so it doesn’t make a sound.
The hallway is pitch black. I assume I’ll be met with a guard right outside the door, but I’m not. I know he has security cameras, so I know it is only a matter of time before someone comes to drag me back to Matteo. I don’t wait for them to come. I storm down the hallway to the kitchen.
I open the fridge and pull out leftover pizza someone left. I grab two slices and place them on a napkin before walking out to the dining room where I plan on eating before heading back to Matteo’s room. I could go back and eat in Matteo’s room, but I like having a moment to myself. I like having the freedom. I like that I’m being a bit of a rebel.
I freeze in the door when I find the dining room already occupied.
I wasn’t expecting anyone. Least of all Gia. She has her own wing of the house, and she never bothers coming on this side. I know nothing of her life, other than she had a boyfriend who hurt her.
She’s sitting at the table with tears running down her cheek and a gallon tub of ice cream sitting on the table.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize anyone was here. I’ll go back to my room,” I say.
Gia chuckles. “You mean my brother’s room.”
I nod.
“Or I could join you?” I ask, not sure what I’m supposed to do.
She pulls out a chair next to her, and I take a seat with my cold pizza.
I start eating it, and her eyes widen and dry a little as she looks at me.
“We have an oven you know? That would taste much better warmed up.”
I smile and hold out a piece to her. “You’ve never had cold pizza? It’s an American tradition.”
She wrinkles her nose and sticks to eating her ice cream.
“Are you upset about what happened tonight?” I ask, not sure if I should be asking her anything, but I might as well.
