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He rested his dark, fathomless gaze on her. “If that were true I would have already cut things off.”
So he knew. Knew that she was in love with him. Hot color climbed into her face. “Why haven’t you? Why break your rules for me, Nate? Because of that knight in shining armor complex you have for me you deny but is so patently obvious? Because you think I’m so vulnerable I’ll break if you do?”
His gaze dropped away from hers. “I don’t know.”
“Well, I do.” Humiliation and pain brought everything spilling out. “You have feelings for me. You won’t allow yourself to explore them because you’re afraid they’ll bring this house of cards you have built tumbling down.”
Heat blazed in his eyes. “I have let you in, Mina. I have shared things I’ve never shared with anyone before.”
“Because there’s no risk! I’m out the door in a year. You have a built-in out.” She waved her arms around her. “None of this is threatening because we’re just playing our roles. You’re the honorable knight, I’m the damsel in distress. It justifies everything.”
He slapped the glass down on the table and glared at her. “What do you want from me? I care about you. You know that. I have opened up my life to you, tried to give you everything you need.”
“And I will never be able to repay you for that.” She met the frustration burning in his eyes with a lifted chin. “What you have given to me, Nate, is a gift. You walked into my life and not only saved me from Silvio, you saved me from myself. From sacrificing my life out of some misguided sense of loyalty to my mother. You have empowered me to be the person I knew I could be but was too afraid to realize. But this,” she said, pointing at her stomach, “is real. It’s our wake-up call. We can’t play this game anymore.”
He stared at her silently. She sucked in a deep breath, forcing herself to do what he wouldn’t. “If you don’t see our relationship ever moving past the status quo—that’s fine. Honestly, Nate, it’s fine. I told you in the beginning I could handle this and I can. I—” she broke off, raking a hand through her hair “—I just need to know.”
Ice crackled as he picked up his glass, put it to his mouth and took another long sip. His face was impassive. “We have a good thing, Mina. The way I see it, we don’t have much choice in the matter. We make this marriage permanent and do what’s right by this child.”
Her chest tightened. Not because he loved her. Not because he wanted her in his life. “Because you won’t see this child abandoned by its father like you were?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do.” The edge to his voice sliced across her skin in sharp rebuke. “This child deserves the presence of both its parents in its life.”
She closed her eyes against the pain in her temples. She’d been afraid to admit she loved him because of this. Because she’d feared her feelings wouldn’t be returned. And now she had her answer.
A vision of the soul-destroying kind of a relationship she and Nate would share filled her head. How she would always be secretly hoping he’d learn to love her just as she had done her entire life with her mother, only to have it never be returned.
She wrapped her arms around herself, bile rising in her throat. She couldn’t go back to being that lonely, desperate for affection version of herself she’d hated. Not ever again.
“Mina.” Nate curled his fingers around her arm. “We are good together. You’re flourishing at Brunswick Developments. It makes sense.”
She opened her eyes, the affection she saw in his dark gaze driving her misery even deeper. “A loveless marriage isn’t an option for me. No matter how practical.”
An emotion she couldn’t read flickered in his eyes. “This isn’t one of those Hollywood movies you love. Being good together can go a long way.”
She shook her head. “It wouldn’t work. You’d come to resent me. Me and the baby. You said it yourself, a white picket fence existence isn’t for you. You’re a solitary creature, Nate. You need your space. My feelings for you would sit between us like this awkward thing we both won’t address until you’d wished you’d ended it now.”
The ensuing silence broke the rest of her heart. “You’re not well,” he said finally. “Not thinking rationally. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”
It wouldn’t change anything, she speculated miserably as he put her to bed and left her to no doubt ruminate about what a big mess they’d created. It had been her fault letting herself fall in love with him. Convincing herself he could change when he never would.
CHAPTER TWELVE
MINA WOULD COME AROUND.
It wasn’t the first time Nate had told himself that on a dull, gray Manhattan afternoon, days after his and Mina’s fruitless discussion about their future had ended in stalemate.
It had taken him that long to emerge from the numbness that had invaded his brain, the complete sense of unreality that had taken over his life. He was going to be a father. The one challenge he’d been sure he’d never take on. Had never wanted to take on.
Restless as he waited for a call from the West Coast that was now five minutes behind schedule, he pushed his chair back from his desk, got up and walked to the elegantly cased, floor-to-ceiling windows designed to provide maximum light to his sleek, darkly furnished office space. Gray New York in the dog days of winter didn’t help his mood.
Further contemplation hadn’t crystallized his and Mina’s situation. The only thing he’d been able to coherently articulate to his wife in the strained conversations they’d had was his sense of responsibility when it came to their child. He would never allow his son or daughter to grow up without a father. He would stand by Mina and this child, he would give up the freedom he cherished so greatly and he would do his best by both of them.
That had to be enough.
As for the gray areas? His feelings for Mina. Her demand he address them. His confusion on all of the above. Avoidance had been his strategy. When Mina saw reason, that they were good together, that they were better off raising this child together, it would all sort itself out. Pushing himself into saying things he’d regret, making promises he couldn’t keep, was not how he was going to play this.
Walking to his desk, he buzzed through to Josephine. “Can you find out why the West Coast call is late?”
