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“It’s been years, Max. Years for the anger to fade away.”
“The anger remains.”
It was Alexei’s turn to laugh, though it was gentler than mine. “I don’t believe you. You can’t be angry every day of your life and create what you did with Volkov Telecom. What Gerald Miracle did wasn’t right, sure. And if you wanted to talk to him about it, I suppose you could’ve. But not like that. Nobody deserved to experience — or witness — what happened there tonight.”
“He needed to know that he fucked up.”
“Have some compassion, Max!” Alexei slapped my hand away as I tried to refill my vodka. “This was supposed to be a celebration, and you ruined it — especially for Ruth. Think about how bad she must be feeling right now.”
I wanted more vodka — something to numb what I felt inside. “That’s all over now.”
“Like hell it is,” Alexei protested. “You’re going to be a father. That’s for life, brother.”
“If she was telling the truth.”
“She didn’t look like she was lying, Maxim!” my brother shouted. “I can’t fucking do this with you right now! I know how you feel about her — why are you acting like this?”
I couldn’t process my shock — let alone my anger. Ruth’s possible pregnancy was only one of many things swirling through my head right now.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said quietly. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, brother. Have I thrown everything away?”
Alexei eased up immediately. “Don’t talk like that. You’re going to figure things out. You always do.”
“But what if I can’t this time? What if I can’t see my way out?” It certainly didn’t feel like I could anymore. I was as lost as ever. “We might as well be back in Moscow, dining out of dumpsters.”
My brother chuckled. “I already told you I miss that life. God, the satisfaction that could be had from a single apple core.”
“You’re insane. No one in their right mind would ever want to go back to those times.”
“But they were simpler, weren’t they? Fewer decisions to make?”
I shook my head. “Fewer decisions for you, maybe. Because I was making all of them.”
“So go on, then,” Alexei urged me. “Make the next decision. You’ve done it all your life. You’re not stuck, Max. Besides, you used to tell me on those streets that quick decisions were the only way to stay alive.”
But there was nothing quick about the decisions I was faced with. I’d done something unthinkable and hurt the woman I loved with my cruelty and rage. I hadn’t resolved a goddamn thing with Gerald Miracle. And now I was going to be a father?
It was too much. Way too much for me to handle on a night that should have offered me some sort of peace and redemption instead.
Alexei tried to ward off my grab for the vodka bottle again, but I outmaneuvered him.
“Enough,” I said. “I need to get drunk.”
“I don’t think that’s a good decision, brother. At least, not the one I think you were supposed to make.”
But who could tell what decisions I was supposed to make? I was done making decisions for the day. All of them had been mistakes. I just wanted to lose myself in the bottom of this bottle.
“It’s a decision that has already been made,” I said, toasting him. “I didn’t see you complaining on the way over to the dinner.”
“Yes, well, perhaps I should have if I had known how bad things might have gotten.”
“Let’s go to the club,” I said suddenly, leaning forward with interest. “You’d fucking love it. It’s the perfect place to find something to help us forget.”
“Max, I don’t want to forget anything. And I don’t think I would be a very good brother to you if I let you make a mistake like that one. You’d never forgive yourself.”
But maybe that was what I needed — a way to punish myself and make it so I could never be with Ruth again. She would never want me if she knew what I’d done.
“Don’t be boring,” I told Alexei. “This is ideal.”
