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I shake my head helplessly, overcome. I’m not saying a damn thing in front of him, but I glare at Ashley over his head. If she is too damn reckless to realize what she’s done, to play with the emotions of an innocent, trusting child…
Ashley stares right back at me. She lowers her arms, palms open. Her face is serious, and her eyes are wide. She’s begging me to understand.
I want to leap into her arms. I want to know what it feels like to hug her with Alex pressed between us. I want her, and that’s exactly why I can’t go to her.
I’m not convinced, not by a long shot. In my opinion, you couldn’t speak to someone you love like that. No matter what was going down, if she cares about me it should be talk first, yell later.
A woman I loved who loved me in return would know that we do these things together. You don’t toss me off the ship without even a life raft, you jump into the shit with me and we fight our way out together.
I’m glad Alex is still hugging me tight and he can’t see the look I’m shooting Ashley. Her face seems to fall just at my expression, and I feel a little surge of triumph. I’m ashamed of it.
I can’t be certain that she isn’t using me to put the whole situation back together for her. I can’t let her use Alex, I wont. My doubts have faded but they aren’t gone.
I squeeze Alex tight.
“We should deal with De Haverland.” I say firmly, trying not to let my fear show. “We can talk about us after that.”
I can see she’s disappointed and I try to harden my heart. This isn’t a fucking movie. Its real. Yeah, I want to fling myself into her arms with perfect love and perfect trust. It should be a magical moment. But I’ve done enough of that lately, believing that the whole world was my romantic dream.
Where did it get me? Hiding under a fucking side table. I’m standing up now, with my back straight and my feet firmly on the ground. I’m not going to lose my footing again. Not for anyone.
Silence hangs over the room for a second while we all stare at each other. Alex pulls back from the hug and grins at me. That smile and those big soft eyes make me giddy.
“Auntie Jess? I’m hungry. And thirsty. Could I have a soda?”
“Of course, kiddo.” Sometimes you need a kid around to remind you of the basics.
We gather around the table where Alex picks up with his pencils and sticker book. Natalie hands out a few bags of nuts and pretzels with cans of soda. For a few seconds we’re all agreeable as we munch the food and down sodas.
The tension has eased, and Ashley looks around at us in turn.
“So. What are we going to do? De Haverland has me by the nuts here.”
Alex looks up at her curiously and she jiggles her bag of peanuts. He laughs at her.
“He’s just got too much clout. A little ammo would have tipped him over, but you played right into his hands, Ash.”
She frowns and I know she was already blaming herself. And me.
Natalie shakes her head. “He’s a mean bastard. You aren’t going to get him to back down easy.”
“I know.” Ashley says softly. My brain is running hot but I’m not any closer to an idea.
Alex holds up a pencil and flicks it in the air. “I know!” He exclaims. We all look at him, smiling indulgently. Whatever his idea is, its going to be cute.
“You need dirt on this guy.” He says brightly. “If he’s playing you, you need to get him right back.”
There is a stunned silence.
“How did you come up with that?” Ashley gasps incredulously.
“Its what they always do in the movies.” He shrugs. “Whenever someone gets into trouble, they get dirt on the other guy.” He taps his pencil on his chin. “I don’t know. Is it a special kind of dirt?”
Ashley laughs and rubs his back.
“Yes, sweetie. It’s a very special kind of dirt.”
He seems satisfied by that and goes back to coloring. We look at each other with eager faces.
