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Jess
I can’t stand the look on the poor little guy’s face. He always looks withdrawn and serious, like he’s thinking heavy thoughts. No child should ever have to look like that.
It was just a silly kid’s story; I don’t know what set him off so badly about it. The other moms were trying to be sympathetic, but I could almost hear the echoes of ‘what the fuck is wrong with him? Or her?’
Sure, I might be imagining it. They seemed understanding enough about letting him go to a quiet place to chill. I just couldn’t stand to be in there another second. I’m totally new to this. Sue me if I’m not yet comfortable in the role of ‘mom’.
The only thing I can think of to cheer Alex up is take him to see some ships. We head towards the wharf and he starts to perk up. Color soaks back into his cheeks and his eyes glow bright. I have to gulp down my sadness for a second, because I know what that smile hides.
It wasn’t the monster that scared him. Its losing too many people, his security, practically everything that he knows.
I look down at him and my chest literally aches. I would do anything to take that pain from him. Can I bring his father back? No. Can I stop my sister and make her change? No.
The best thing I can do is love the little guy to pieces and try and comfort him as best I can. I wish I had the money for the best schools, the fanciest toys, anything that could give him some faith in life and some security.
But I can’t. I’m fucking broke. I literally have no idea what I’m doing here.
As we approach the dock Alex starts running and pointing. He’s truly forgotten the monster, at least for now. He loves the boats so much.
He stops and stares at the Golden Hind. He has to stretch his head way back to see right up to her top decks and windows. I can practically hear him panting in excitement. He doesn’t know how to process seeing a ship so large and luxurious.
“Auntie Jess?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Can we go on?”
My hand tightens on his. It’s a bad idea. We aren’t welcome there; we can’t even afford to spit on the deck of this ship. Alex starts jumping and tugging my hand.
“Please? Please? I just want to see the view from the deck. Its not going yet—see? People are coming up and leaving again.”
“I don’t know…” I’m hung. There definitely is people coming and going, family members helping with luggage and kissing people goodbye. I don’t really decide, but when Alex starts dragging me towards the ramp, I let him take me.
My stomach does a twist and a flip as we go up the ramp. Nobody looks twice. Nobody asks me for a ticket. I see ship crew and other employees, but they don’t even look at us.
“Okay, Alex.” I say quietly as we get to the top deck. “Just a quick look around and then we go, okay?”
He beams at me and that smile that lights his eyes makes it all worthwhile. I can’t regret this. We’ll get off soon and everything will be fine.
Alex pulls his hand from mine and runs back and forth, looking over the edges and exclaiming with excitement. Other women give him indulgent looks. I start to relax. Its okay. Everything’s going to be fine.
Its funny, I’ve been telling myself that for weeks. Every time I do, more shit gets dumped on me. This time is no exception.
I start to move towards Alex, calling him and holding out my hand. If he’s not ready to go, then I’ll bribe him with ice cream or something… Not that I can afford it. At this point, I might as well spend my last bucks on ice creams. That few dollars certainly isn’t going to fix my rent situation.
Alex looks up at me and grins wildly. He yells “Hide and seek!” and bolts into the crowd.
Panic leaps into my chest, shuddering in my throat. I lunge after him, but he’s already gone—how the fuck do kids even do that?
I run up and down the deck and now people are looking at me. I notice a staircase and head down it, calling for Alex.
I’m starting to get really scared as I navigate the hallways. He could be anywhere, and I can’t search the whole ship. Maybe if I find a crew member and explain… Surely this isn’t the first time a renegade child stowed away with an unfortunate career.
As I get about halfway down the stairs, I hear a giggle. Sighing in relief I turn towards to supply cabinets in the corner of the stairwell, hurling them open. Alex is inside grinning like a maniac.
“You found me Auntie Jess!”
“Yes, I did.” I wrap my arms around him and take to the stairs again. I’m not letting him go this time. Its time to get off this boat.
