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I close my eyes hard, counting to ten and holding my breath.
Then, before I can talk myself out of it, I go to her.
Six
Roxanne
The edge of the gutter is hard and unforgiving. It’s not the first time I’ve had nowhere else to sit but it’s not like it gets more glamorous every time.
What a bunch of stuck up snobs. Seriously, I knew they didn’t like the look of me, even earlier today when I visited the store. I must have been totally nuts to think that I could fit in with women like that, whether they are reading books and drinking tea or slinging ropes and whips.
I feel my eyes start to burn and I set my jaw and press my lips together. I’m not gonna cry. I keep pawing through my bag, shoving stuff out so it clatters into the gutter. I must have a cigarette in here somewhere!
It’s not like I smoke much, but it doesn’t hurt to have something around for emergencies. This is a pretty big emergency and of course, it figures that I don’t have a smoke.
I just stop, putting my head in my hands. I let my fingernails dig into my scalp a bit. The emotion rises in me and I feel it swelling up as I shake my head, refusing to cry.
This is always the way it goes, isn’t it? We love you Roxy, party with us Roxy… Go away now, Roxy.
Too fucked up. Too fucked up to even be in my own company. No one wants to really be with me. Not once my true personality comes out.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. I’ve got nowhere to go. I might be able to find a motel or something, but I don’t have much money. Maybe there’s a shelter… Either a women’s one or maybe a bus terminal. No one looks twice if you fall asleep at a bus changeover. They just think you’re waiting for the three fifteen to Nutley.
I’m just starting to pull myself together when another wave of hopelessness wells inside me. I can feel it clawing up my throat. Okay, I’m going to cry now and nothing’s going to stop it. I might as well do it right here in the gutter. Nobody gives a fuck.
The bright light of the streetlamp flickers over me as a shadow moves. Great. A concerned citizen. Time to give someone a piece of my mind.
As my hands fall to my lap and I snap my head up, my face is twisted and ready to bite. But what I see sends warm relaxation through my bones and I can feel my face losing it’s expression as I look up in astonishment.
I stare into the biggest, most intense eyes I’ve ever seen. Rimmed with dark black liner, they shine green and wide. Her blonde hair looks like a halo, lit from behind by the streetlight. Her tight corset shows off an amazing set of curves, the long splits in the skirt going right up almost to her hip.
She holds out a hand as she smiles at me. I’m dumbfounde
d. I can’t move let alone speak.
She’s a fucking goddess.
“Hello?” She says brightly.
I don’t know how to respond. I mean, I’m sitting in the gutter wearing rags and trying not to cry. She’s standing over me in clothes that were probably made for her, looking like an angel freshly dropped from heaven. What is the correct response?
Fuck it. As if I’ve ever known. As if I’ve ever cared.
“Hello.” I try not to sound too sullen.
She smiles warmly. “Can I help you at all?”
I shake my head, desperate to get out of here all of a sudden. I can’t handle this. Being on my own, feeling hurt, running—these are things I know how to do. Conversing with a goddess is not something I have any experience with.
I don’t want to run away, though. Something about her draws me, and it’s not just that she’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t think I could ever get tired of looking at her. But it’s not entirely that.
She seems calm. So very relaxed and easy. As if the entire world storms around her in chaos and she stays quietly within it, letting it be itself while she cruises along with it.
I want that peace. I need that peace.
“I’m Helen.” She holds out a hand and for a moment I’m struck dumb.
“Oh. Yeah—sorry. Roxy.”
