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She takes in a deep sigh that makes me very suspicious. I mean, maybe she’s just tired, but the more I watch her body language, the more I think she’s hiding something.
She turns her head away, so I do too, even though there’s nothing to see. Cities at night viewed from a fast-moving car are nothing but shadows and smears of light. I let my mind tick over, trying to think about nothing. Before I know it, I’m turning around to look at Helen again.
She doesn’t look over at me. It bugs me a little. I didn’t think we were going to be perfect friends, but I did feel something.
The best thing to do is just take her offer of a place to crash and hit the road first thing in the morning. I had nowhere to sleep anyway and there was no chance of finding somewhere so late. Its just good luck. I can’t expect too much, not from Helen or from the world.
When we pull up at her apartment building, I’m shocked. It’s one of those really fancy places, not a square of concrete dropped into the middle of other Lego blocks. It’s got peaks and gables and scrolled metal work on the balconies. It’s got fucking balconies!
We go inside, Helen using an ordinary key as well as a code. I’m looking around with wide eyes, just trying to take it in. I wish I could control myself and just be cool but I’m way too impressed for that.
“Here we are.” Helen says as we enter her place. I think it’s just for something to say. We haven’t said anything to each other for awhile.
I don’t think its because we have nothing to say. I think its because we are both full of things we can’t say.
If I was amazed by the building, I’m stunned by her apartment.
The living room just rolls out into a little sunken area full of couches that look soft and comfortable, but in vibrant fabric that matches the drapes. The kitchen is modern, shining with steel and chrome. The windows cover one wall, showing a spectacular view of the city. The apartment appears to just go on and on into a back hallway that hides multiple rooms.
“Whoa.” Is all I can say. Helen smiles warmly.
“You like it?”
“Yeah man. I mean, it’s really nice. Lovely.” Shit. Now I’m tripping over myself.
Why do I even care?
“Can I get you anything? I’ll be heading off to work pretty early. You can help yourself to whatever you like, but do you need me to show you around?”
“No, that’s okay. I’ll just head to your bathroom if that’s okay.”
A bath. What a glorious luxury is a bath. I so rarely get the chance.
“Oh, the bathrooms just through there. I’ll put out some fresh clothes for you and grab a few blankets.”
I watch her disappear down the hall. I don’t think anyone has ever been so nice to me.
I take a few steps down the hallway and push open the bathroom door. I hear a gasp rip out of me as I see the huge sunken tub ringed with fancy soaps and perfumes. I start filling up the bath and the water shoots out hard and hot.
This is complete luxury. I don’t think I’ve ever had access to such a big bath, let alone six different kinds of soap.
While I wait for it to fill, I take some of Helen’s make up remover and wipe off my smudged eyeliner. When I see my pale face staring back at me, I almost don’t recognize the girl in the mirror.
Even though I’m poor, my options aren’t dead. I don’t have to look like a punk rocker. I could look like this. Delicate. Clean. Respectable.
But I look like a punk on purpose. It keeps dicks off my back and hags out of my way. I need my image. It protects me. No one wants to try and make it past that bitch I present myself to be.
Helen might.
I don’t want to think about that.
I strip off, leaving my clothes in a big pile into the middle of the room. I slip into the tub, sighing with pleasure as the warm, scented bubbles close over my shoulder.
As I lay back, I feel every single joint crack under the warm caress of the water. A moan slips out of me and I close my eyes, immersing myself in the sensation of being safe, clean and relaxed.
Maybe, if I could just accept it, this could be heaven. It’s a fantasy, I know. But since I’ve fallen into an impossible situation, maybe its time to believe in some impossible things.
