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I stand there silently, not knowing what to say to her. Sure, there are a few things running though my head, like “what the fuck?” or “fuck you,” but the biggest emotion, besides the rage, is relief.
I spent almost half my life thinking I am a rapist, only to find out that I’m not. All this time, I thought I was a bad seed, a black soul, and I’m not. Damn, but there are no words to express how fucking relieved I am in this moment.
Looking back at Amber, seeing how scared she is, yet knowing she came here, faced her fears and told me the truth, even if it is seventeen years too late, I decide she should get a pass.
I could cuss her out, scare the living shit out of her, and tell her all the hell she has put me through. Or, I can take a page out of Pixie’s book and try to balance the scales between us.
With a gruff voice with too much emotions, I simply tell her, “Thank you for telling me the truth. Now leave and never darken my doorstep again.”
I’m not sure what she expected me to say, but apparently, that hadn’t been it.
Her shoulders sag in disappointment as she turns on her heels and slowly walks away. Then I watch her get in her car and disappear down the street.
Who knows how long I stand there? For however long it is, the ringing of my cell phone brings me out of my shocked haze.
Looking at the screen, when I see it’s the hospital, I immediately pick it up.
“Is my mom okay?” I ask with no preamble.
The nurse’s fatigued voice comes over the line. “She’s awake and asking for you. Can you head on back to see her now?”
“I’ll be there as fast as I can.”
Hanging up, I head back into the house to change my clothes. I’m still in the same thing I wore yesterday when I hauled ass to see my mom. I don’t know how to tell her what Amber just laid on her doorstep. First, I need a shower. I have the overwhelming need to feel clean, like I am finally washing away something dark.
Maybe I am.
All I know, as I head upstairs for fresh clothes and a shower, is that, for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel as if the impenetrable blackness surrounds me. I can see sunshine and shit. Wait until I tell Pixie about it.
~~~
“Trevor, it’s good to see you.” My mom’s voice is raspy and laced in fatigue. Her black hair is loose over the pillows. The olive of her skin shows the stress of years passed. She is still beautiful, but I feel the guilt of too many things unsaid between us. Now, isn’t the time to rectify it though.
“Get some sleep, Mom.” I squeeze her hand.
“I can’t sleep when I have my boy home for the first time in far too long.” She smiles softly at me.
“Mom …” I sigh out, not sure she will believe me.
“No, Trevor, don’t mom me. Listen to me, my son; I’ve tried to tell you for years. I know you aren’t a bad man. I didn’t want you to leave, thinking what you thought about your father and me. We believed you. We just didn’t know what to do. With what Mr. Bridges threatened, we were afraid you would end up in a worse place than the Army.”
I listen as the monitors beat wildly as she tries to explain, her emotions clearly taking over.
“Mom, sh … You need to rest.”
“Just know we did believe you. Trevor, please don’t stay away so much. Please,” she begs, the pain in her eyes cutting me deeply.
“Okay, Mom. I have to go back to Miami for a while, but I’ll visit once you’re home and stronger.”
“Promise?”
I nod, feeling far too many emotions.
With a kiss to her forehead, she settles to rest, and I get the nurse to agree to keep me updated. When I get back to Miami, I will make sure Screech gets a home nurse and any other help my mom needs. I gave her my word. I will come back. I will. I just don’t know when.
I have to lay to rest a brother before I can think about anything else.
~~~
“You ready for this, brother?” Looking over at my prez, I find his somber eyes staring at Big Jim’s casket on the trailer behind his motorcycle. It’s a devastating day for the Regulators MC as we get ready to take our brother on one last ride before we put him in the ground.
“Yeah. Wish like hell we didn’t have to do this shit, and that BJ was with us here instead. You going to let his ol’ lady ride with you?” Ice asks.
I nod.
