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“No, definitely not.” I forced myself to kill the goofy smile I felt coming on. Like, strangle it with my bare hands kill it. I did not need to start drawing hearts and flowers around his name in my notebook. “Neither of us are in a place to pursue anything serious.”
The memory of that Wikipedia page flashed through my mind. He’d been with Valerie Stern for three years, married to his wife for two, although they’d apparently dated for a few. Was that as long term as he got?
Why did that bother me?
Of course, he’d promised we’d stay friends even if we stopped sleeping together. Had he made the same promise to Valerie? Was that why they were in business together? Or had that been a do-the-right-thing move, giving the mother of his child a job after he cut out on her?
“Ugh!” I pulled my pillow over my face so I could scream into it and kick my legs in childish frustration. Sitting up I groaned, “I keep assigning him all these sinister emotional motives for practically everything he does. Like, ‘Oh, he’s doing this because he’s a bad father,’ and ‘Oh, he’s doing that because he feels guilty about his ex.’ Why can’t I just like him?”
“Because you really, really like him,” Holli said with a pitying smile. “You’re trying to find ways to avoid liking him. That’s the first sign.”
“Oh, like you with your ‘undecided’ on Deja?” I blew out a long, exasperated breath. “You’re right though. I love him. I am in love with the guy I started a casual relationship with, and I’m afraid of what that means.”
Holli shrugged. “Why does it have to be mean anything? You love him. Great. But you don’t want to get married and do the happy family thing, you’ve always been pretty clear on that, right?”
“Yeah,” I conceded. “I don’t see myself cut out for that kind of life.”
“So, you love him. Enjoy the time you’re spending with him. If it turns into something more, then it does. If it doesn’t, well... You’re with him right now. Just roll with it.”
“How can you say something I’ve already said to myself, and make it sound ten thousand times smarter?” It was true. A lot of the time, the voice of reason in my head was just Holli’s voice calling me a dumb ass. “I guess I just don’t like the thought that he might not feel the same way about me.”
“Um, he feels the same way. Trust me. If Deja picked up on it, then he’s into you.” Holli stood and stretched. “I’m gonna take a shower, and then I’m having lunch with my agent. On a Sunday, so you know it’s good news, if it couldn’t wait until tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed, okay?”
I held up both my hands, giving her a total of four sets of crossed fingers. “Consider them crossed.”
At least one of us should have something awesome happen in our career, I mused as I reached for my laptop again. As soon as the screen blinked on, I closed the browser window. I didn’t need to know any more. Holli was right, I wasn’t in this relationship because I wanted some traditional romantic fairytale. I was seeing him because we were great together in bed, and we got along as people. And so what if he had some big, impressive past? All the awesome shit he’d done in his life had happened after twenty-four. I was twenty-four right now, so there was no reason I should feel inadequate just because I didn’t have a legend of British rock on speed dial. I wasn’t going to worry about how different we were. I was just going to enjoy being with him.
Chapter Sixteen
I went to work on Monday morning feeling really great about the positive direction things had taken. I’d been promoted— on my own merit and not, as I had feared, because of who I’d slept with— and despite the current cluster fuck going on in the beauty department, we were actually doing okay. We’d found a really cool, under-recognized beauty brand we’d made the focus of the hastily overhauled January spread, and even though it had put us behind on February, the sky wasn’t falling like it had been during my first week.
Unfortunately, working in the same building as Neil and not seeing him was psychological torture. I felt like an obsessed middle-schooler, which I really didn’t like. I forced myself to focus, and worked so I was away from the door. I didn’t want to catch myself looking up every ten seconds, trying to get a glimpse of him on the off chance he was walking through the main floor.
The only way Neil and I were going to be able to continue our relationship outside of work was if I could keep concentrating on my job. Which is why when I went to his office at the beginning of my lunch hour, it had nothing to do with us dating, and everything to do with Holli and Deja dating.
