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That sad little smile she offered me before I left. It looked like regret and resignation and she had looked so vulnerable. Like she could easily be hurt or lost. Not at all like the commanding presence I was used to from Nicole. I knew something was up, but that smile had sliced right across me somehow. I felt like I was bleeding from a long, shallow cut across my chest, that stung and itched and wouldn’t let me forget it. Nothing fatal, but bad enough that I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I wanted Nicole to let me in, to tell me what was wrong. Some part of me wanted to prove myself to her, to show her that I was the man who—what? Was I auditioning to be her boyfriend? No. Of course not. We didn’t even get along or like spending time together. I should put it out of my mind. I mean, I worked with Jeff every day and I didn’t have some kind of come-apart when he had a headache. There was no reason to concern myself with whether a coworker was feeling crappy today. And she’d made it pretty clear that all I was to her was a coworker, a contract employee who could ask Justin the probably unpaid intern if I needed anything. I’d been relegated to tell-him-I’m-busy.
It should have occurred to me sooner that if I could hear her raise her voice through those office doors, half the city hall staff probably caught the noise of us doing it in her desk chair that day. It wasn’t exactly soundproofed. I chuckled ruefully. Shame I hadn’t used some of that top-of-the-line soundproofing foam on her walls instead of just ordering enough for the music room in the community center. Then just like that, I started having dirty thoughts about what all Nicole and I could do in that empty music room once the place was completed.
Not that I’d ever get the chance. Not with her shutting me out and avoiding me. I just needed to get over this nagging worry about her well-being, the protective thing I had about wanting to make sure she was okay and to move heaven and earth to make her okay if she wasn’t. That impulse had to go.
Nicole was a big girl, and she could take care of herself. It didn’t matter one bit that I wanted to take care of her. That I felt a compulsion to take care of her that went beyond reason. It didn’t matter that a grinding impulse kept ramming itself into the bars in my brain, telling me to let it out and go to her. Maybe I was tired. Maybe it hurt my feelings a little that she was done with me so easily. Or maybe I was just losing my mind. Whatever it was, I couldn’t shake the need to check up on Nicole, to take care of her, to protect her. What had started as a sudden wave of protectiveness had exploded into a full-scale, driving need. Every cell in my body demanded that I take care of her whether she wanted me to or not. Nothing could stop me. Not even common sense.
24
Nicole
I was curled up on the couch with my new best friend, the fuzzy blanket, when my phone rang. Trixie’s number flashed on screen and I answered it.
“Hey, Trix,” I said. “what’s up?”
“Nothing much. Got a delivery of some pretty dried-out looking carnations today so I had to call and yell at my supplier. How about you?”
“I’m okay. I’m confused.”
“About what?”
“Noah,” I sighed, “this sounds so high school, I know. He’s just all hot and cold. Like today, he stormed into my office like he was going to throw a tantrum, then all of a sudden he’s asking me if I’m okay and if I want him to go get me some soup.”
“He wanted to get you soup?”
“Yeah. He acted all concerned and sweet. I mean, I’m flattered that he noticed I clearly wasn’t feeling well, and he offered to help. But it doesn’t mean anything. He doesn’t give a damn about me. He went home with another woman the same day he’d been with me. He isn’t going to—”
“Going to what? Be a good dad? Or be in love with you? Which one are you worried about here?”
“Both,” I admitted with a big sigh. “I know I shouldn’t have feelings for him. Not after he trashed my heart and my ego like that. But the thing is—and we don’t even get along. I mean, a relationship with Noah Jeffries would be a recipe for disaster. I realize that in my brain. But I miss him, and I yearn for him. Like Dawson’s Creek style yearning. The kind where I want to stare out a window at the rain while old pop music plays. I’m a loser who’s pining over some guy who doesn’t want me. And the worst part is, I can’t let it go. I’m having his baby. And him being a father is totally separate from him not wanting me. I know. I get it. I just can’t convince myself to risk my career by exposing my baby’s paternity. Not after I’ve screwed up so many times already.”
