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I needed her smart mouth, her irreverent way of looking at the world despite how it had treated her when the world was too much for me. Hell, even now, days later, I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing the dead body of Tits Stepanova, and all I wanted was to hear Maddie’s laughter to drown out her screams of pain as those fuckers tortured her.
I wanted to lose myself in her body to wash away the stench of decaying flesh, to stare deep into her laughing brown eyes to get rid of that dead-eyed stare that never blinked. I didn’t just love her, didn’t just want her in my life, I fucking needed her. She was the air I breathed.
Or she would be if I could trust her.
But that wasn’t gonna happen anytime soon, so I drained my beer and tried to get my mind used to the idea that I’d have to learn to live without her.
There was movement inside the apartment, holding me there in my seat instead of heading inside to get another beer. I wondered if she’d leave without saying a word, or if she would make us both endure a long, drawn out goodbye.
“Jamie?” Her voice came out low and soft, almost timid. The only time I’d ever heard her sound like that was exhausted after too many orgasms.
“Maddie. You read the file.”
She let out a nervous sigh. “I did.”
I didn’t get up, but looked up at her, waiting for the bomb she was about to drop on me. Preparing myself for explosion in my gut when I realized I’d have to let her go. “Good. That’s what I wanted.”
It stung that she, of all people, would think I might be the kind of cop to accept shit at face value.
“I’m sorry, Jamie. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry to make you understand just how fucking sorry I am.”
Her words were gravelly, like it hurt to even say them.
“This past year, it’s been too much for me. Despite the shit show my life has been in general, I’ve only ever had to worry about me and Molly. And ever since you came into my life, well, giving a shit about another person has been hard. It takes some getting used to.”
“Not that hard, actually.” I was being a dick, but I needed to see if she was the kind of girl who’d fight when it was important, or if she’d just give up. Walk away. “If it matters.”
“Don’t be an asshole. It matters. It’s just, I was too busy thinking about you, about us, from one day to the next. I didn’t see the big picture. And the idea that Molly wanted nothing to do with me, it fucked my head up.”
I could hear the rejection in her tone, but I didn’t dare look at her.
Not yet.
“Jamie, I’m sorry.”
“You said that already.”
“You matter to me, a lot. And I want, no, I’m going to treat you like someone who matters to me. Because you do.”
I nodded, not quite sure if I believed her. “I matter. Great.”
“Fucking asshole,” she muttered low, is if to herself and moved around the deck so she stood right in front of me, hands fisted on her hips as she glared down at me. “I see now that Mueller wasn’t the piece of shit I thought he was, and I’m sorry I accused you of being a G-man.”
I nodded. “He was when he needed to be, Maddie. It’s the nature of undercover work, playing both sides.”
She nodded. Her expression seemed worried, almost afraid as she geared herself up to say whatever she needed to say next.
“In the spirit of sharing information and loyalties, I need to tell you something.” She nibbled her bottom lip, with her gaze lowered so she wasn’t quite looking me in the eye. I hated that I’d put this fucking distance between us.
“You can tell me anything, Maddie.”
“I know, but I didn’t tell you about it sooner because none of it made any sense to me, not because I don’t trust you. I didn’t have any context because I wasn’t part of the conversation. Okay, and yeah, I am afraid, which says more about my current living situation, but we’re not talking about that.”
“Maddie.”
“Yeah?”
I smiled. “You’re rambling.”
“I am.” She nodded and closed her eyes like she had to talk herself into speaking, and then she let out a sigh.
“I overheard Jasper and Sadie talking the other day.” Another lip nibble. And then a deep breath. “I don’t know which came first, the murder or the intel. It sounded like they were both at the hotel, but Jasper said he didn’t pull the trigger.”
“You heard all of that?” I tried to keep my expression even because for all my talk of trust, I didn’t want Maddie to know how important this information was to the investigation. “Anything else?”
