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I looked at the pile of empty wrappers in front of him. I’d eaten three, and it looked like Ryan had torn through almost the rest of the dozen in the few minutes we’d been talking. “Good grief, Ryan,” I said with a laugh. “Hungry?”
He grinned. “I’m storing up my strength, in case all of this turns out to be anywhere near as nasty as the last case I worked on with you.”
“Ugh, don’t even say that! I don’t feel like dying again.”
“Yeah, I’d probably have to pay for the funeral myself this time.”
I laughed. “Take up a collection! All of my adoring fans.”
“And your ex-boyfriends. And all of the coworkers you’ve been accused of sleeping with.” He grinned. “Come on, I know you have the hots for Pellini and Boudreaux.”
“I just ate. Don’t do that to me.”
He laughed. “I’m sure you have plenty of adoring ex-lovers. I’d have to hire security to keep them from throwing themselves onto the coffin in grief.”
“Sad to say, I doubt you’ll have to chase too many away,” I replied with a mock sigh. “It’s been far too long since I’ve had sex with a human.”
The words were out of my mouth before I fully realized what I’d said. I fought to keep the teasing smile on my face, praying desperately that Ryan wouldn’t understand the meaning beneath the words.
He slowly set the unfinished taco down and wiped his hands off, face going very still. I could see the thoughts ticking behind his eyes, putting together various comments and clues. Sweat stung my armpits, and a sick misery began to coil in my chest. No, no, no. He’s going to freak out.
“A human?” he said, green-gold eyes lifting to mine, voice unbearably even.
I started to babble out a denial, some sort of retraction, but I knew it would sound lame and pathetic. Screw it. I was in this far. And what fucking business was it of his anyway? “The first time I encountered Rhyzkahl, I … uh …” Okay, maybe not so easy to say outright. At least not to Ryan.
His expression froze, his eyes going dark with either pain or fury. I couldn’t tell. When he spoke his voice was so cold I thought it would crack. “You slept with him?”
I felt as if someone had dumped ice down my back. I’d been worried that he might have a guy-jealousy type of reaction, but this was something far more intense, as if he suddenly despised me. Stop it, I railed at myself. Stop caring so much what he thinks. It wasn’t working. I couldn’t help it. I did care. I couldn’t bear the thought of him not liking me or respecting me anymore. “It’s not how you think.” I was trying to be calm, cool. I wasn’t being very successful. “I mean, it’s not like I summoned him and then immediately jumped his bones. I was scared to death at first. I thought he was going to destroy me!”
I swear he bared his teeth. “He raped you?”
“Holy shit! No. No, it was … it was totally consensual. No coercion or anything.”
His face was like stone. “I don’t get it. I don’t get why you would have sex with a creature like that. I figured you for someone who had more self-respect than that.”
I felt as if my breath had been robbed from me, and for several gaping seconds I could only struggle to regain the power of speech. “Self-respect?” I finally managed. “Who the fuck are you to be all self-righteous about this?”
“I just can’t believe you fucked that thing!” he retorted, voice rough with what I could only assume was utter disdain. “Why … why would you do that?”
I stared at him, trying to control my anger and hurt and my ripping disappointment in him. I’d never imagined that he could be this judgmental, and I had the sick suspicion he was seeing me as someone who was so weak and needy that I had to find comfort from a demon lover.
“Because I’m lonely!” I exploded, standing and nearly tipping the stool over. “Because I’ve only ever had two boyfriends, and they were shitty in bed, and they never stayed very long anyway. I had this incredibly gorgeous guy wanting to kiss me and make love to me, and I wanted it. I don’t have many friends. I mean, shit! I know he was just trying to get something from me, but y’know what? I wanted something from him too. I wanted to be touched and wanted and to feel—for a few fucking minutes—that I was sexy and desirable. And to feel—for a few fucking minutes—a way I knew I’d never felt before and would probably never feel again!” I stood there, chest heaving. Shit. Shit. How could I have said all that? How could he judge me like that?
His face twisted in what looked like a snarl, and his knuckles whitened as he balled his hands into fists. He abruptly stood and came around the end of the counter in two quick strides. I backed away in shock as he reached for me, my heart slamming in my chest as I came up against the sink. Was he really so angry that he would strike out at me? I couldn’t believe it, but why else come at me like that?
But he froze as I retreated, his eyes haunted and his hand still extended toward me. I looked at him, wide-eyed, waiting to see what he was going to do.
We stood in that tableau for a breath, then he dropped his hand, suddenly looking tired and defeated. He was silent for several heartbeats, eyes on me as if desperately searching for something. Then he looked away. “I … should probably go now,” he said, voice thick.
I swallowed, then gave a jerky nod. “Yes, I think that’s a good idea.” I managed to keep my voice from shaking, at least.
He turned to go but paused at the kitchen door, hand on the door frame, not looking back at me. “Thank you for helping out at the crime scene,” he said, voice so low and rough I could barely hear him.
He continued out, and I heard the front door open and close. “You’re welcome,” I whispered. Then I gave in and sat on the floor of the kitchen and cried my heart out.
Chapter 24
The chalk crumbled in my hand as I completed the last sigil in the circle on the basement floor. I sat back on my heels and brushed the fragments away, careful not to mar the diagram itself. I felt unspeakably calm. Or unspeakably empty. Either way, my hands didn’t shake and my focus was sharper than it had been since I’d come back from the dead.
