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“The Fed who cried wolf?” he said with a smile, though I sensed something more brewed within him.
“Something like that,” I said.
He went quiet. The smile faded and his body tensed as the something more revealed itself. “I saw you two when you left—you and Mzatal,” he said. “I felt what there was between you. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but I did. I know.” With each word, his voice grew more strained, more intense. “What does that mean for you and me?”
What the hell was I supposed to say to Ryan? Szerain wouldn’t have an issue with this, but Ryan was in control right now. Maybe something to pacify him without lying?
“The lords don’t really do the monogamy-jealousy thing,” I said carefully. “And I do care for Mzatal, love him even.” There was zero use denying it. Ryan had felt it before, and if anything, it was stronger now. Besides, it sure wouldn’t be hidden once I summoned Mzatal.
I twined my fingers through his. “Ryan, I do love you. And not just as a friend.” Okay, maybe this wasn’t as pacifying as I’d intended it to be, but a big part of me wanted Ryan, not Szerain, to accept me for me. And at the same time a part of me wondered what the hell I was doing. Ryan wasn’t real. At the most he might be a distorted shadow of Szerain.
“You’re more than just friends with Mzatal, too!” he retorted, voice sharp and tinged with frustration. “What do you want me to say? It’s okay, I’ll share? That’s not happening.”
“No, no! It’s not that,” I protested, aching for him and for me. Or maybe it was exactly that. Shit. Why the hell hadn’t I kept my big mouth shut and played the I-don’t-know-and-I’m-confused game to let this blow over? “Never mind,” I said. “Forget everything I just said. You asked what my relationship with Mzatal means for you and me, and I don’t know what it means.”
Ryan pulled his hand from mine. “Yeah. Right. Forget what you said. Like that’s going to happen.” He shot to his feet, stalked several steps away and stood with his back to me, right hand opening and closing repeatedly. “He might not be into monogamy and all that, but what about you?” he demanded. “You’re from here. Are you throwing all that away because he doesn’t have the same values? Oh, wait. Maybe those aren’t your values?”
The ache blossomed to agony with the vehemence in his tone. All perspective on the Ryan-Szerain quandary evaporated, and I stood. “Fuck you, Ryan,” I said to his back, using my pain to fuel my anger. “Fuck you and your values. You think I’m some kind of slut now?” I took a shaking breath. “In the past year and a half, I’ve slept with exactly two men—Rhyzkahl and Mzatal. TWO,” I repeated loudly. “And I’ve loved two: you and Mzatal. It’s not like I fucked my way through the demon realm or jumped straight into Mzatal’s bed! I was trying to tell you that I still had—have—you in my heart, that there was room for you there in whatever way you’re willing to have me.” I realized I was crying, realized that the pain was real and that this was fucked. “I went through HELL, and Mzatal put me back together,” I continued, voice rising to a shout, “and I don’t need you or anyone else judging me for the relationship that followed.”
I didn’t wait to hear what he came up with next. I turned, fled up the stairs and to my room, pursued by a stream of loud and mostly unintelligible curses. Channeling all the fury and pain that boiled through me, I slammed my door, threw myself on the bed and sobbed like a heartbroken teenager.
A few minutes later I heard a knock on the door. I sat up, snarled, “Go away, Ryan! I don’t need more of your shit!”
Jill answered. “Nope, it’s me.”
Relief swept through me. Exactly who I needed. I wiped my eyes. “Come in.”
She opened the door, and I did a double take. When I’d left, her pregnancy had been showing, but now, at about eight months along, it was showing and even more prominent due to her petite frame. “Damn. You’re preggers.”
“No shit, Sherlock,” she said as she moved to sit beside me on the bed. “Glad to see you still have those awesome detective skills. I came over for a visit and walked in on a major throwdown. Now, tell me. What the hell did Ryan do to you?”
As though on cue, the basement door slammed with violent force.
I wiped my eyes again. “Shit. We were talking. It was nice. And then he said he knew Mzatal and I were together and asked what that meant for him and me.” She offered a tissue, and I paused to blow my nose. “And shit,” I continued, “I didn’t even know what to say, so I said something dumb about how I loved Mzatal but loved Ryan too, and not just as a friend. As soon as I said it, I knew it was the wrong thing to say, but by then it was too late, y’know? He got all pissy and ‘what, you expect me to share?’” I sighed, still feeling the sting of his response. “I told him that wasn’t what I meant but later thought maybe it was. And I told him I didn’t know what any of it meant for him and me.” I looked over at her. “I was floundering, but doing okay up to that point. Then he got really assholeish and started going on about how I’d thrown away my values. Fucking shit! My goddamn values.” I exhaled a shuddering breath as some of the tension melted. Simply being able to vent my frustration helped. “And that’s about the time I told him, ‘Fuck you and your values’ and some other stuff and came up here.”
“Oh jeez. What you said!” Jill put her arm around me and gave me a squeeze. “You’ve been away a while, and it sounds like you’re used to talking pretty openly about stuff.” She wrinkled her nose. “Ryan’s a guy and, well, you know how he is.”
I snorted. “Yeah, I do.” Yet I knew what she didn’t. Ryan wasn’t just a guy. I knew the Ryan-Szerain struggle, had a better understanding of his moodiness and the challenges he faced. It was no wonder that, after Szerain tasted a sliver of freedom, he fought to reclaim it, even if it unbalanced his entire prison, Ryan included. I needed to remember that before doing or saying shit that would screw them both up. Away from the heat of the moment, that knowledge sparked a stab of guilt.
I should’ve been able to keep it together better for both of us. I sighed. Too late now to worry about it. “Jesus, woman,” I said. ?
?You’re really pregnant.”
She grinned and laid a hand on her belly. “A bit. She’s feisty!”
“It’s the tail,” I said with as straight a face as I could manage. “I’ve heard they’re usually twice as long in demon-human babies as—” I ducked and laughed as she grabbed a pillow and swung at me.
“You are EVIL!” she yelled, but laughter danced in her eyes. “You’re damn lucky I asked Zack a long time ago if I was going to have to push out something with wings. Plus, I’ve seen the ultrasound. Bitch.”
I grinned. “Yeah, I figured you’d had an ultrasound by now, and didn’t think you’d be so calm if it had four arms.”
“Two arms and two legs,” she stated firmly. “No wings. And no tail.”
I resisted the urge to tease her more. “Got any names picked out yet?”
“Nothing that’s stuck. And Zack won’t commit to anything.” Her amusement slipped away. “He won’t even talk about it anymore except to say it’s too soon to name her.”
“Too soon?” I gave her an incredulous look. “She’ll be here in a month!”
