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Instead of going away, he moves closer to me. "Are you scared of being alone with me?" His breath warms my cheeks with every word. His palms are at the sides of my hips, as if he'd like to touch me, but he doesn't. He's holding them a few inches away, as if an invisible barrier keeps him from touching me.
"Serena?"
I shudder; I can't help it. The way he says my name, it's not like other times. It doesn't remind me of our moments of passion. It does something else to me now. It reminds me there really is a barrier between us. Because I put it there. And he's done something I never really thought he would do to try and tear it down. Got rid of Natalie. But he doesn't understand what I really need. How little it would take to tear it down for good. Three words, that's all.
"No, I'm not scared," I say. My voice is trembling slightly. "I wanted to be alone with you, to tell you I can't come to the breakfast. I… have things to take care of."
He laughs softly in my ear. "Come on Serena, you want me to celebrate alone?"
"There are plenty of people you'll celebrate with."
"If you're not with me, I'll be as good as alone. I want you by my side. If you were mine, I'd—"
He stops abruptly and I lift my head, locking eyes with him. They're hesitant, as if he doesn't know if he should continue. I want him to continue. I need him to. If I can't have his lips caress me, then at least his words.
"If you were mine, I'd get on a jet with you and fly somewhere far away. Just the two of us." He lifts his hand to my face, and the slight touch of his fingers on my cheek is almost unbearable. I don't pull back, and I don't break off eye contact. I can't, though I know I should.
"I'd kiss you right now, make love to you, if you were mine," he whispers, his fingers trailing to my lips.
I don't know where I find the strength to say, "But I am not," when all I can think of is losing myself in his arms, his lips. His hand falls by his side. He takes a step back, and I look away from him, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes.
"You should go," I repeat.
"Promise me you'll come to breakfast," he says.
"James—"
"I won't bring… us up again. You have my word."
"Fine, I'll be there."
"Excellent. I hope they are well stocked with champagne." He rubs his hands energetically.
I laugh, more out of relief that the moment of tension is broken. That I managed to be inches away from him and resisted him. "Planning to drown these past horrible hours in champagne?"
"Horrible hours? Maybe," he says playfully. "But they were also fun."
I blink. "Fun?"
"And exciting. Don't you think?"
"If almost getting a heart attack is exciting to you, then by all means, yes, this was exciting. I'd call it dangerous."
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"Not for me," I say. "Jumping from a plane is exciting. Almost losing your business is dangerous. Risky."
James smiles as if nothing could amuse him more than what I'm saying. It feels alien, talking to him like this. In another life, I think we could be friends. The kinds of friends who have nothing in common, and who continuously make fun of each other's differences. Like Jess and me. But in this life, I know we could never be friends. Not when I crave his touch, his lips. Not when the memory of our last night together shatters me bit by bit with every passing day. It was easy to ignore all of this before, when we were surrounded by people, but now… now it's inescapable. My lips still ache with the memory of his touch. Only distance will help me escape my need for him. Suddenly, I'm not sure New York is far enough away.
"Everything in life is risky, Serena. Life is not like college."
"I know that," I say, a little too snappy. "But some things are riskier than others. Like this and everything in Silicon Valley." I point around with my hands. "I could never live like this. I don't know how you can."
He bites his lip. "I couldn't imagine living any other way. It's the only way to live."
I frown. "You do agree that it's dangerous, though?"
His phone rings, and he puts it to his ear without glancing at the screen to see who's calling. "Yes Parker, I'll be there in a second." He closes the phone and smiles at me, walking backward toward the elevator.
