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“Wow, someone is keeping it clean today. I need to start doing the same, but I’m so addicted to chocolate. It’s like a serious thing with me,” she said. I could tell she was fishing for some kind of complements, but I sat the menu back in the holder and simply smiled and nodded.
The waitress finally took the hint and went back to the computer to put in our orders.
“Wow, man. That was pathetic,” Doug said. “That girl is smoking hot and she was practically throwing herself at you.”
I shrugged. “I’m not interested. Leave me alone about it.”
“Man, you need to reevaluate some things in your life. The way you are living just isn’t healthy.”
“I know. I know that, but for right now I just have to deal with things my own way, ok?”
I knew my friends were only trying to help, but I did not want to become romantically involved with anyone. My heart would not take it. I had this fear that if I pursued someone romantically, then at some point I would lose it. I would crumble and just fall apart. I wasn’t going to let that happen to myself. I had to stay strong for Zoe. No matter how uncertain I was at times or how much the stress of things and the pain that I felt all the time missing my wife got to me and held me down, I still had to put up the illusion of strength. That was important so that Zoe could be happy and move on and I could do everything that I needed to do, only for her.
Then why couldn’t I stop thinking about Julie? I kept imagining how good it would feel to hold her in my arms, to kiss her, to make sweet love to her and lay her down with me in my bed. I wanted to fall asleep beside her, to hear her soft whispered breathing in the darkness and to know that I had someone that amazing in my life again. In those moments of fantasy, it felt like I had really clawed my way back to the surface, and I had finally found my reason to start enjoying my life again.
We finished having lunch, and I didn’t really talk too much to my friends during this. I didn’t want to feel sore at them, but I’ve always been the type of a guy who really hates hearing others advice. It just burns me up when I hear that other people think they know better about what I should do than I can do for myself. They weren’t me and they had no business presuming that they understood exactly how I felt. They had some valid points, but they were coming at me entirely the wrong way like this. I wanted to tell them to back off and to really mind their own business, but they were my friends and I knew they meant well and just really wanted to help me. I’m not the kind of guy who readily accepts help, even when I know I need it.
After lunch we headed to the training class. I was too unfocused to really be engaged in it. My head was somewhere else. I kept thinking about Julie. I wanted to sit down and really spend time with her. We’d connected so much in that short little time during the interview, and I just wanted so much more. This was very dangerous thinking. I knew this. I had a great nanny in place for Zoe and I didn’t want to do anything to mess that up. What if something happened romantically with Julie and me and then something else turned it sour? What would happen to the nature of our working relationship of employer/employee? Julie might decide to leave and then that would put Zoe in a lurch of losing someone else she really cared about. She needed this connection as well. She was a lonely little girl who did not have many friends. And she didn’t have a consistent adult female in her life anymore, other than her teacher who had to divide her time up with thirty other kids.
I did not want to mess this situation up. So, by the time the training class finished up and I headed home, I knew that I was going to keep things between Julie and me as professional as it was supposed to be. But the moment I would lay eyes on her, I knew that all of that planning and thinking, all that psyching myself up to do the right thing—all of it would go right out the window and I’d be a slave to my emotions. That woman had stirred up something inside of me that I thought was long dead and gone. I hadn’t known I could still feel like that again.
And for the first time in two years, I didn’t feel totally guilty about that. I felt happy and free.
But there was still something inside my guts that was gripping me with panic when I entertained the thought of being with this wonderful woman.
Time would tell…
Chapter Six
Julie
I was exhausted.
Zoe and I had played nonstop since her aunt dropped her off a few hours earlier. We started with a tea party with her little tea set. And then we brushed each other’s hair for a bit. After that we played some board games (Break the Ice was my favorite, even as a kid), and then Zoe watched some of the Wizard of Oz while I prepared dinner. I’d gone to the store earlier for Ricky and stocked up on all the essentials, but I was more tired than I thought I would be, so I decided that making something easy would be fine for dinner. I decided on spaghetti. It was one of Zoe’s favorites she said and every few minutes she would wander into the kitchen to ask me if it was done. I’d have to scoot her back to the living room and keep her away from the boiling water. She was hungry, but I could tell she also just wanted to be near me. That gave me a warm sense of sweetness inside. She was such a wonderful little girl.
Being so busy with Zoe had given me a break from thinking about the erotic dream I had about her father last night. I had sat in that chair in my room thinking and trying to recover from it for a few hours before I was finally able to get some more rest. It was so intense, I had to wonder if somehow it was a vision. Maybe I was seeing the future in a dream. I’d never experienced that before, and I wasn’t all that sure if I really believed in that sort of thing, but I’d never had such an intense dream before in my entire life. It was so real. I could still feel everything, taste everything, smell it, and even hear that sweet, guttural moaning voice of Ricky’s. I wanted it all to happen. It needed to come true, or I might not be able to retain my sanity.
I tried to keep my mind off it as I popped some garlic bread in the oven and then went to work on the salad. Ricky should have be home soon. He said he had some training to do, so I imagined that he would be taking a shower first, unless he already took one at work. But if not, then I would be dr
eaming about helping him with his hard to reach spots and maybe with his easy to reach spots as well.
I could not stop thinking about him and how much he turned me on. I needed to just relax and forget about it. This was not going to happen. I knew the possible consequences.
When the pasta was done boiling, I put it in a colander and strained it. While that was going on, I put the sauce on simmer and took the hot garlic bread out of the oven. It smelled delicious. I’ve never been a chef or a great cook, but I can put together food that tastes good. The key is playing to your strengths.
Right then I heard Ricky’s truck entering the garage and the door closing shut behind him. Zoe leapt up off the couch and ran to the door that led into the garage. “Daddy!” She yelled as she jumped into his arms.
I watched him hug his sweet little girl and let the door close gently. He looked cleanly fresh showered, his hair still a bit damp but combed slightly in his typical fashion that gave me the idea Ricky had tried to hide his bad boy side since becoming a father, but there was still that hint of danger in there somewhere that drove me wild.
Ricky sat Zoe down on the couch and then walked to the fridge where he pulled out a beer. “Hey, how’s it going?”
I almost spilled the sauce I was stirring as I jumped so much at the sound of his thick voice being directed at me. It sounded just like it sounded last night in my dream. That voice telling me what to do and how to do it…yes, please. I needed it so badly.
I sighed and braced myself before I dared to formulate and articulate an answer, all the while trying to act natural. “It was great. Zoe and I had a lot of fun. Dinner’s almost ready.”
“I can smell that,” Ricky said. “Wow, that smells fantastic.”
“You are probably just hungry,” I said.
