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Ricky went quiet then. He looked at me and I saw a moment of silence in those eyes as he sipped his wine. Then it was gone and he glanced away momentarily. When he looked back at me, he had a serious look there, but it was softening. “Yeah, I’ve just always gravitated towards it.”
Then he was silent for a few moments. I wondered what he was hiding. What was he afraid to tell me? There was something in his eyes that I could see right then. My question had led him to tap into something painful in his mind and then he’d dismissed it. I couldn’t help but be curious to what was troubling him, but I wasn’t going to pry.
He looked at me then and leaned forward slightly. “How about you? What have you always wanted to do? What is your goal?”
“I want to be an artist,” I said. “Ever since I was a kid, that’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do with my life.”
“So, where are you with making that happen? I can only imagine how competitive that is.”
I sighed. “Yeah, it’s tough. I wanted to go to art school after high school, but I wasn’t selected.”
“Ah, that’s rough. Now aren’t there other things you can do in the field of art without a degree?”
“Yes, but as you said it is very difficult and it takes years to make your way sometimes. And during that time, I would love to have a day job where I could teach art and spend my days talking about art. It’s my biggest love and I would just love to immerse myself in it all ways. But at the same time, I love being a nanny and working with kids.”
“That’s great,” Ricky said. “You should always do what you love to do. I didn’t get a chance to go to college either, at least not seriously.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I took two years of community college classes, but I was really not sure what in the world I was doing there. I think I mostly went there for my parents.”
“What were you studying then?”
“I was pursuing a degree in psychology,” Ricky said.
“Interesting. I’m not sure I could imagine you as a psychologist,” I replied.
“What? Are you saying that I’m mental or something?”
I laughed. “No, but I just don’t see you being content to sit down for a living. You seem like you are the kind of guy who has to be in motion all the time.”
“Very true. You have a very astute mind there.”
I tried to play it cool and not blush at his compliments, but in my mind was the image of me sliding my tongue along his ripped midsection and inching my way towards his crown jewels that I desperately wanted to give attention to. This was brutal to be so close to him and connecting with him in such a way, but I knew I could do nothing to act on these feelings. I wanted to scream. Somehow I was able to hold my feelings back. “Thanks,” I said. That was all I could manage.
“Thanks for being so wonderful with Zoe,” Ricky said. “And thanks for the great company to me.”
I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right, but that’s what he’d said. Was I being overly optimistic in wanting the reciprocation of my feelings to the point I was turning everything he said into a compliment to me, or was he actually flirting with me? Was he even aware of it? Or were his thoughts and feelings betraying his intentions as well?
“No problem,” I said. “Thanks for giving me a chance. But I should really be going.”
“Sure,” he replied. A very brief look of sadness spread across his face. Then it was gone.
Ricky walked me to the door, talking as we did so. “That was very nice,” he said. “Thanks so much. Dinner was phenomenal. And Zoe really has a strong connection with you.”
“Thanks. I think so. She is wonderful,” I replied.
We stood there standing at the door for a few moments. It felt awkward, as if this was the ending of a date or something. I could tell that Ricky also sensed it as he shifted his weight uneasily back and forth from one foot to the other.
“Ok, well I’ll see you tomorrow at the same time?” Ricky asked.
“Sure, that sounds great. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
The door closed behind me and I walked to my car. I almost felt like I was walking on air. I knew I was in trouble. And the trouble was deep.
I could definitely see that Ricky was feeling awkward about things as well. That had to mean that he felt that same connection with me. I was not crazy or imagining anything. It was real. And that made spending time with Ricky alone all the more dangerous. It could so easily turn into a sweet romance. Maybe something much more.
