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When we made it outside, I felt a rush of relief washing over me. I was covered in sweat. I felt my body being pushed to its limits from the extreme heat to now a more moderate air pressure of the summer. My legs felt heavy and this small woman on my shoulders suddenly weighed a ton. I carried her over to a stretcher where I noticed that she was totally out now. She wasn’t breathing anymore either. Dammit! Were we too late?
I removed my gear off my head and face and instantly started to perform CPR on her. She was not going to die on my watch; I was determined not to let that happen. Toby helped with the chest compressions. One…two…three…four…five… Breathe!
I breathed three gasps into her mouth. We continued this procedure four… five… and finally on the sixth time the woman started breathing and opened her eyes. She was gasping, terrified of what had just happened to her. My body suddenly felt exhausted as the adrenaline began to subside and relief washed through me. I thought she was going to be ok, but we definitely needed to get her to the hospital and get her checked out.
Her eyes were white and bright looking compared to the smoky, soot that was now covering her pretty face. Amber was breathing deeply and strongly, her chest heaving up and down as the panic seethed through her eyes. She’d been through quite an ordeal.
“Amber, you are going to be ok,” I said. “We got you out. You are safe.”
Hearing those words caused her to break into tears. She was so grateful. And so was I. Grateful we’d got there just in the nick of time. This poor girl had almost died. This was why I had become a firefighter.
This was why I had dedicated so much of my life and my time to this great purpose. It wasn’t always a day to celebrate, but today we’d achieved a bit of a victory. The house was a total loss, but it was just a house.
“Amber!” Her hysterical friend came over just then screaming and crying. The two girls reunited and gave each other big hugs as they shared a good cry together.
The crew fought the fire until it was finally out. Then most of us went home while they waited for the investigators to determine the root cause of the blaze. When I got back to the station, I jumped in the shower and scrubbed vigorously. The black soot from the smoke washed off my body turning the water and soap black as well. It was disgusting to look at and even after all those years when I am now used to it, it still made me cringe. It just reminded me that I had vexed a foe that had been trying to put me in the ground for too long. I knew one day, I would probably lose that fight. Any firefighter who made it through a long distinguished career without serious injury was lucky--plain and simple, no matter how skilled and knowledgeable you were.
I finished my shower and since it was the end of my shift, I said goodbye to the guys and headed home. I was tired. This job had a way of draining you dry, both physically and emotionally. No matter how much training you had, it would get you every time. Sitting around waiting for the call for sometimes days on end would wear you out, and then going for a call, fighting the fire with all that gear on you was also brutally difficult.
Amanda had always wanted me to get out and find another line of work. But this was what I was born to do. I could never see myself ever doing anything else.
I was about halfway home and looking forward to a nice, relaxing evening when my phone rang. It was Katy, my sister in law. Well, technically, she was my former sister in law since Amanda’s death. She was supposed to be picking up my daughter, Zoe. What was this about? As a father, I immediately suspected the worst, that something was wrong with Zoe.
“Katy? What’s going on?” I answered. I tried to keep my voice friendly so that my words did not come out accusatory. But I believed I may have failed in that endeavor.
“Hey, Ricky,” Katy said. “Listen, I am stuck in traffic. There is some big accident and traffic hasn’t moved in like an hour. I’m not going to make it on time to pick up Zoe today. I’m so sorry.”
I cursed silently and squeezed the phone a little. This was not what I needed to hear. I regained my composure and returned to the call. “Ok, I understand. I’ll get her. Thanks, Katy,” I said.
“Yeah, I’m so sorry,” Katy replied. She could probably tell I was angry, but I wasn’t angry at her.
“It’s not your fault. I got to run. Talk to you later,” I said.
I ended the call and turned off at the next exit. I would have to circle around a bit to drive towards Zoe’s school. Shit. This was going to be bad. I was going to be almost an hour late to pick her up. I called the admin office at her school to let them know what happened and that I was on my way. They would keep her in the office until I arrived.
I really needed to hire another nanny. It had been almost a month since Lisa Williams, Zoe’s former nanny had quit to move across the country with her husband who’d just gotten a new job. It happened very quickly and it was very inconvenient as it left us in a bit of a lurch. I’d been trying to hire someone, but so far all of the applicants that I had just did not have the right temperament, the right experience, and there just didn’t seem to be that right connection that said they were a good fit. This shouldn’t have been that hard, and in recent weeks I’d been working so much that I just hadn’t had time to really get back to the interviewing process. It was so repetitive.
So, Katy had been picking up the slack a bit here and there, but she had her own family and I didn’t expect her to really be a nanny to Zoe.
I would have to get back to the selection process. I just hated that I wasn’t able to be there more for my daughter, but I had to work and I was doing the best I could on my own. I hoped I could find a good nanny, a nurturing woman who could be there for Zoe after school.
I’d reached out to my circle of friends and family and after getting the runaround and the constant advice of how I should start dating again--which was annoying beyond belief-- I’d finally secured a meeting with a woman named Julie. My friend Ben and his wife Becky had recommended her after I’d spoken with them on the phone last night. I was actually supposed to meet with her today, but due to a change in my work schedule, I had to put it off until tomorrow.
I didn’t know a lot about her other than she was twenty-five, and that she had been a nanny for a neighbor of Ben and Becky’s. They’d moved and she was now looking for something regular. Becky told me she was fantastic, so I was really looking forward to meeting her. I trusted Becky’s instincts.
Becky also told me Julie was beautiful and that I should ask her out at some point. This was the last thing on my mind. I wasn’t sure what it was that made all of my friends think that I needed to be set up for romantic encounters. I was not ready. It had been over two years since Amanda had passed, but I still wasn’t ready to get romantic with anyone. This wasn’t what I wanted to do now.
But when I really thought about it, I realized they could all see that I was lonely, I was broken, and I was not dealing properly with my grief and allowing myself to move on. I understood all of this perfectly, but it was still hard. I just couldn’t let myself go there.
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I kept thinking about the guilt, and how I would betray Amanda. We’d never really talked about what would happen if one of us passed on. We were too young to think about it really, but I knew that deep down Amanda wouldn’t have wanted me to be lonely. I wouldn’t have wanted her to spend her life alone if the roles were reversed.
Yet, knowing all of this, I couldn’t bring myself to go on and find someone that might end up taking her place in my life. My wife was dead. My angel, my partner, my entire world — she was long gone. I was alone.
And that was the way I was going to stay. At least for now.
Chapter Two
