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“Please? Just five minutes. I need to explain some things.”
I glanced at Tessa who seemed mildly amused by this turn of events. I wondered if she really did know that he might be here. I wouldn’t have put it past her. I also knew that I would never really find out for sure. I wasn’t sure why, but I found myself saying, “Ok. Five minutes.”
I walked with Jeremy over to an empty table where we sat down. “So, how have you been?” He asked.
“Fine,” I said.
“Good. You look fantastic.”
“Yeah, what did you have to say to me?” I demanded. Sitting there with him, all of those angry feelings came up. He’d practically broken it off with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. But Jeremy had never actually said that. It was true though. I knew it. I told him that I was not ready for an intimate relationship and admitted to him that I was a virgin. The following week, he told me that we should see other people. His words were “The relationship is not really moving forward. We have stagnated.” I knew exactly what he was getting at.
Now he just happened to be here and was going to use this as an opportunity for me to give him another chance, which he would use until he just got bored with me and decided that he wanted to play around. Or he would sleep around on me until I decided to give in and give it up to him. After that he would probably lose interest and just move on altogether.
Just like my father had done. I was only eight years old when my parents split up and it would be years before I learned the truth of why. And I would also learn that my mother, despite knowing what my father had done to dishonor their marriage, had taken him back two years later. She claimed she did it for me. I’d always been very close to my father, but ever since I learned the truth I had been unable to fully forgive him for his transgressions. And it had stained my feelings when it came to men in my life. That was something I had to deal with. I had told no one about this, not even Tessa.
“I know that the way things ended with us was messy,” Jeremy said. “And I take full respons
ibility for that.”
“That’s very big of you,” I said flatly.
He sighed. I was not making this easy for him and he was getting flustered. Good. I wanted to slap his head off. Just being this close to him filled me with seething rage, and I’d never even hit anyone before. My heart had been made bitter by men like him. I was tired of feeling that I was only valuable to a man if they saw the relationship going physical. My biggest fear was that I would give myself away and then that experience would be tied to something negative when the inevitable breakup happened shortly after. I wasn’t going to let that happen to me.
“You’re angry. I get it. You have every right to be.”
“Oh, do I? Thanks for your permission.” Was he for real? He was throwing every single cliché from the breakup handbook. What a jerk.
“I missed you immediately. I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I wanted to call you. I wanted to apologize.”
“Why didn’t you do then?” I asked.
“Because for some reason I thought you might be hostile,” he said a bit snippy.
I rolled my eyes and stood up to leave.
His hand shot out and grabbed my arm. “I’m sorry. Please hear me out.”
I’m not sure why, but I sat back down. I was still ready to bolt. This guy was on the thinnest ice with me.
He looked me in the eye. “Listen, this isn’t easy for me.”
“Oh, like it was easy being dumped by you. I thought we really had something and you just threw me away like I was a piece of garbage.”
“I know,” Jeremy said. “I was so wrong. I am so sorry that I hurt you. I was confused about what I wanted. I just didn’t think I could handle that you were saving yourself. I guess I got scared.”
“Scared? Of what?” I asked. He had me a bit curious.
“I was afraid of the way you would respond. I knew that I hurt you and I’m so sorry for that. I was scared that you would just hate me and that it would cause you even more pain since I figured you were trying to move on.”
“You’re right. So, why are you reaching out to me now?” I asked.
He looked down, his eyes sullen and his body language closed off like he was actually afraid of the words that were about to come out of his mouth. I hated it, but I felt a bit sorry for him. He was good at connecting with the nurturing side of me. I was too soft hearted for my own good, but at the same time I could hold a grudge with the best of them.
Jeremy licked his lips and then looked into my eyes with pain in his gaze. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I’ve missed you so much, and it’s been a while. I was hoping you’d had some time to heal, and we could sit down and have this conversation. I would like to give us another chance. I know I don’t deserve it, but if you could see it in your heart to just give me a chance—we can start slow, and see how things go from there. I want to show you that I’ve changed. If you would be willing to just take that chance and see it in your heart to forgive me a little bit. I know it will take time, but I desperately want to take the time to start earning back your trust.”
I could see he was almost crying at this point. He was either a really good actor or he was getting very emotional about this. I wanted to give him another chance, but once I’ve been burned I won’t trust that person again. That’s just the way I’ve always lived my life.
“I can’t,” I said. “Look, I appreciate you apologizing and I can see that you really mean what you’re saying. I believe you. But, I just can’t. I would always be wondering if that was going to happen again and that wonder would prevent us from moving forward. We would stall out and it would just cause pain for the both of us. So, I’m sorry. I really can’t.”
