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“See?”
“The difference is that I’m her boss. If I do this flirty thing you are referring to, I am pretty much guilty of overstepping some sort of boundaries that might make her feel uncomfortable. And then she will quit and leave. I don’t want to do that to Zoe. And I don’t want to do that to me, either. I’ve felt so much better since Julie has been around. Even the guys at work are noticing.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed too. You do seem happier.”
I took a drink of beer and turned my attention back to the game. It was getting warmer, despite heading later into the evening. I’d asked Julie to stay later tonight and she was glad to do it. I would pay her a very nice bonus. She deserved it.
“So, you do have a dilemma,” Ben said. “I wish Becky was here. She is way better at this relationship stuff than I am. Why are you asking me?”
“I just felt that I needed a man’s perspective. Besides, hasn’t any of Becky’s wisdom rubbed off on you by now?”
“No,” he said. “Not really.”
We shared a laugh and touched our beer bottles together as we both tried to focus on the game for a few moments. But my thoughts kept churning over and over again trying to decide what I was going to do. I would see Julie that night and I knew I was at a breaking point. I wanted so badly to tell her, or I might just try to kiss her. There had been so many moments where I’d come so close and had to consciously hold myself back by excusing myself to another room to pretend to do something else. I needed this to happen. I could feel it being the next step in a logical progression.
“Shit, I don’t know what to do,” I said.
“You will figure it out. I believe the right thing will come to you when you least expect it. And then all will be right with the world.”
“You have no way of knowing that.”
Ben paused. “You’re right. I don’t.”
I laughed for a moment and finished off the beer. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen that night, but I figured it would be something interesting. Later, as I drove home, I really felt the anticipation kicking in. I dropped Ben off and then drove the six blocks to my place. As I pulled into the garage and shut off the engine I found myself feeling more nervous than I had felt in a very long time. I wanted to just march in there and declare my feelings for Julie.
But when I finally got inside the house, my mind went blank. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.
I found the place quiet with Julie sketching something on a big pad at the kitchen table. It was a little after eleven in the evening, so Zoe had been asleep for several hours. Julie looked up at me with a smile when I came into the kitchen.
“Hi,” she said. “How was the game?”
“It was ok. We lost,” I said. “It might have been one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen by our Cubbies.”
“Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m afraid I don’t follow baseball that much anymore.”
“What sports do you follow?” I asked curiously as I sat down beside her.
“I love hockey, soccer, and football of course.”
“Of course,” I replied. “How was Zoe?”
“She was good. A little sad that you weren’t here to do dinner and bed time with her, but she was fine. She is such an angel.”
“Ah, don’t let her fool you. She has her days where the dark side emerges.”
Julie smiled. Oh, that perfect smile.
“I’ve seen it a time or two, mostly when she loses at a game. She can’t stand it. I’m not sure, but somehow it makes her feel fragile, like she isn’t good enough.”
“Yeah, all that started after Amanda passed. Zoe just became so guarded and so afraid of showing anyone that she was less than perfect. It’s an issue of control. That’s what her therapist said once. She saw a counselor for a few months afterwards to help her cope with things.”
“Ah, I see,” Julie replied. “Well, she is doing remarkably well overall I would say. And I think she will grow out of that eventually. Losing a parent as a child has to shake you to your very core.”
“Yeah, it does. I appreciate how understanding you are. Not a lot of people are. They just see a kid being a total brat and after a while they tend to give up on her.”
“Well, I would never do that,” Julie replied.
I could see the warmth in her eyes. She was telling the truth.
